Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Sex and Marriage

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I find it odd that a lot of people believe that a husband cannot rape his own wife. Rape is about power and control. Sex in marriage is about consent, respect and love. If a wife says no and is forced, that is still about him taking away her choice.
I am not saying that women should ever use sex as a form of manipulation either; healthy relationships do not include those kinds of tactics either.

I am saying though that even within the boundaries of a marriage a woman has the right to say no; and have that decision be respected. In my first marriage I was forced to have sex a great deal. The forced sex was outside the realm of the consensual sex. One time he choked me until I agreed to have sex. One time he held his arm at my neck threatening to choke me while forcing me to have sex. The pain, degradation and humiliation was the exact same as if he had been a complete stranger.

He also happened to violent in other ways; so the relationship remained unstable; but even if the forced sex had been the only way in which he abused me, that would have been enough to leave him for. And sometimes men do not understand that. Healthy relationships involve trust. Trust doesn't have elements of fear, harm or force.

And please to not even get me started on men who have sex with their wives either when the wives are asleep or when the wives are pretending to be asleep. If one of the other party is asleep it cannot possibly be respectful or consensual. If a wife pretends that she is asleep it means she wants you to leave her the hack alone; it does not mean take what you want when you want it. A take what you want when you want it attitude is rape. Men who do this should stop, apologize and get serious help for their control issues.

Men who feel that their wives are their simply to service them or tend to them are inane,barbaric and well on their way to being abusive husbands. If your wife, lover, girlfriend is withholding sex for no good reason then suggest therapy as a means to resolve her manipulations problems. Sometimes however the woman has trust issues with their men; and that is the only way they can get the man's attention that something is seriously wrong.

I have been raped; both by conventional definitions and by someone I was married to. A woman who is repeatedly abused in this manner needs help. First she needs it to stop; and then she needs help for her damaged emotions.

The simple differences between men and women and how they communicate to one another may be at the heart of these kinds of behavior; regardless sex without consent even within the confines of marriage is wrong.

I am here,


  1. I never said no to my ex-fiance. You see, if I had an expression on my face that he did not like when he came on to me, he would get angry, and we would end up in a physical altercation. He became so bold as to tell me that he needed to release tension, and there were only two ways of doing that--sex and fighting. Sex seemed the less painful choice, as the fighting was usually followed by sex anyway.

    At times he would walk up to me, sweep my legs out from under me, force me up against the wall, and have sex with me. Once, he took off my clothes, then demanded I get up. When I did, the shoved me forcibly on the bed, jerked my head back by my hair, and began having sex with me. I started to cry. He then began taunting me, saying, "Are you a cry baby, huh?" and he became rougher and rougher. When he was finished, he looked at me and laughed and said, "Did I scare you?" then walked over and sat on the bed and continued watching tv.

  2. it is daunting to be a the beck and call of a man...especially a man that your either do not know well...or a man with issues...