Thursday, April 29, 2010

Those who lack empathy...







(Also being marketed in Internationally in countries like Japan, Sweden, Finland, Germany...!!!)

A portion of the proceeds from novel help support local women's shelters



If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).


I have been slapped, slapped to the point of having my eardrum busted, raped (including, but not limited to, sex while asleep), choked, pushed out of a moving car, called every name in the book, thrown up against walls, punched, threatened, forced to watch threatening behaviors, spit at, had things thrown at me, had threatening messages left on my answering machine, held up at gun point, handed a loaded gun and asked to kill someone else, tripped, kicked, and someone abused both of my kids (to the point of crushing the skull of my 7 month old son)...just to name a few things...these things started in 1984...and were not completely eradicated until 2001ish.

I find it odd that anyone could listen to what some women have endured at the hands of other abusive people and have the audacity to call them drama queens. When someone hurts you it can have a profound impact on your person. If people do not want to listen or get involved the rejection can be even more hurtful than the original abuse.

Those prone to fits of drama take a small thing and make it big...women who have been abused tend to suffer so from lack of confidence that they habitually take a big thing and make it small...

To everyone who has refused to believe an abused woman's pain...refused to help an abused woman or child...or in any way been less than supportive to anyone that you heard was being abused...please let me say that you are no friend...and are lacking in character...

I stand in support of every woman who has tried to get help and her friends or family made it so it was easier to go back than to get help...people like that are why some many women die at the hands of their abusers every year...


Let me know how you are doing.

Michelle




Every Daughter...

It is interesting that otherwise caring adults are completely stymied as to what to do or say about domestic violence.
If it happened to their daughters they would be appalled?
Yet, isn't every woman someone's daughter?

This doesn't just happen to other people...it happened to me...and probably to more women that you know personally.

With that in mind, talk about it, be a friend, be a resource, help break the silence about it, be courageous. For goodness sakes, quit espousing high ideals yet refusing to get dirty with actual problems, like abuse. 

If we were truly pragmatic about every women is potentially someone's mother, sister, aunt...and so on. How can we not be appalled that abused still exists in a society we call civilized? Empowering women who have endured domestic abuse, is not about fixing the men who have abused them; but rather about fixing the women. Men, in general, can be logical, dedicated, loyal, hard-working, disciplined, noble, generous and dependable. Even men who have challenges with anger, rage or their own abuse issues can have some very good qualities. These good qualities can make hiding the abuse relatively easy; because who is going to believe that a good employee, or good father or church-goer can also be an abuser? So untangling the male's behaviors is not out job. Life will find a way of making them accountable; and life doesn't, God will.

Women, the wives, daughters, mothers...whatever our role at present, need to simply concentrate on fixing themselves. Not all men abuse. Not all men will be like an ex. Not all men act out inappropriately. In addition to doing the hard work of working of yourself, you may actually find that you will want another relationship.

But still if there is a "next time" in your future your revised lists of desirable traits in a man can include traits like...logical, dedicated, loyal, hard-working, disciplined, noble, generous and dependable...in addition to good looking, romantic and sexy, that may already be on your list. But here is another trait you may want to look at...and that is how does he view women? Can he see all women as potentially someone's daughter, wife, mother, etc...? A man who can, is less likely to hit, punish or abuse; but that's just my experience.  

Sometimes you may not have anyone to talk with about this; I am here. I have been where you are.


Let me know how you are doing.

Michelle




(Also being marketed in Internationally in countries like Japan, Sweden, Finland, Germany...!!!)

A portion of the proceeds from novel help support local women's shelters



If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).







Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Sex and Marriage








(Also being marketed in Internationally in countries like Japan, Sweden, Finland, Germany...!!!)

A portion of the proceeds from novel help support local women's shelters



If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).



I find it odd that a lot of people believe that a husband cannot rape his own wife. Rape is about power and control. Sex in marriage is about consent, respect and love. If a wife says no and is forced, that is still about him taking away her choice.
I am not saying that women should ever use sex as a form of manipulation either; healthy relationships do not include those kinds of tactics either.

I am saying though that even within the boundaries of a marriage a woman has the right to say no; and have that decision be respected. In my first marriage I was forced to have sex a great deal. The forced sex was outside the realm of the consensual sex. One time he choked me until I agreed to have sex. One time he held his arm at my neck threatening to choke me while forcing me to have sex. The pain, degradation and humiliation was the exact same as if he had been a complete stranger.

He also happened to violent in other ways; so the relationship remained unstable; but even if the forced sex had been the only way in which he abused me, that would have been enough to leave him for. And sometimes men do not understand that. Healthy relationships involve trust. Trust doesn't have elements of fear, harm or force.

And please to not even get me started on men who have sex with their wives either when the wives are asleep or when the wives are pretending to be asleep. If one of the other party is asleep it cannot possibly be respectful or consensual. If a wife pretends that she is asleep it means she wants you to leave her the hack alone; it does not mean take what you want when you want it. A take what you want when you want it attitude is rape. Men who do this should stop, apologize and get serious help for their control issues.

Men who feel that their wives are their simply to service them or tend to them are inane,barbaric and well on their way to being abusive husbands. If your wife, lover, girlfriend is withholding sex for no good reason then suggest therapy as a means to resolve her manipulations problems. Sometimes however the woman has trust issues with their men; and that is the only way they can get the man's attention that something is seriously wrong.

I have been raped; both by conventional definitions and by someone I was married to. A woman who is repeatedly abused in this manner needs help. First she needs it to stop; and then she needs help for her damaged emotions.

The simple differences between men and women and how they communicate to one another may be at the heart of these kinds of behavior; regardless sex without consent even within the confines of marriage is wrong.

I am here,
Michelle



Monday, April 19, 2010

The Things I Became...







(Also being marketed in Internationally in countries like Japan, Sweden, Finland, Germany...!!!)

A portion of the proceeds from novel help support local women's shelters



If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).


************************************************************************

The abuse I suffered left me feeling badly about myself...I did not trust anyone...myself, included.I was smart...but shouldn't smart people be above the kinds of mistakes I was making?

I literally left each unpleasant encounter feeling that I deserved to be treated badly. For the most part I had only two champions in my corner; and that was my mother and my grandmother. No one else seemed interested. At one very low point it seemed like I was even being laughed at; and this was by people I thought loved me.

It is surprising who I became, am still am on the way to becoming, when I wasn't being put down or abused all of the time. I became a wife, a mother, a student, a college graduate, a friend and a novelist.

Who could you become if your were not being hit or hurt or ridiculed?

I love you. God loves you.

Your friend,
Michelle





Sunday, April 18, 2010

Spiritual Encouragement





(Also being marketed in Internationally in countries like Japan, Sweden, Finland, Germany...!!!)

A portion of the proceeds from novel help support local women's shelters



If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).






When a woman is in an abusive situation she can feel that either her faith has let her down or that she has let her God down.

Either of those are very uncomfortable places in which to find yourself.

I stayed in harmful situations and went back to unhealthy situations sometimes because of my faith.

Then one day in prayer I was put in remembrance of a little known scripture which was..."make no friendship with an angry man and with a furious man thou shalt not go lest you learn his ways and get a snare unto your soul"...which is in proverbs of the King James version of the Bible...

While it true that God hates divorce...newsflash...he is not keen on all sin...

If women are staying in abusive situation because of their faith...then maybe the people in the faith community are contributing to their suffering...

A woman being abused needs to get away to a safe place...needs spiritual and emotional counseling...she may need to break many chains of bondage in her own life as well...She needs to be safe...and learn and practice healthy habits...then only as a whole functioning person can she decide if she wants to also tend to her marriage...but there is little chance for a restored relationship there if the man hasn't been working just as hard spiritually and emotionally to become healthy as well...

Both people need healthy and strong coping skills...the dynamic in the abusive relationship needs to be broken...and rebuilt...if that is not possible...safety is more important than proving one's faith...

Speaking to proving one's faith...we as humans cannot prove our faith to an all knowing God...he already knows what measure of faith we have...if we also have a gift of faith as well...and at which level we are going to be found true to that faith...

If Jesus were standing right there with you as your husband, mate or partner were hitting you...what would he say? He would not be okay and sit by an watched you be abused...

It is okay to get away from being abused...and still be found to be a faithful Christian woman...

When I finally was able to break free from my children's father he stopped hurting me emotionally...but here was the interesting part...a short time later he also stopped going to church...perhaps in his case he was not really a Christian...the evidence points to the fact that he seemed to be using his faith and knowledge of the things of God as ammunition to use in his power struggle to control and abuse me...

So all the times that I thought I was being a dutiful wife and faithful wife by staying...I was just being around an abusive situation longer for no reason at all..

Get away...get to safety...and pray...God will give you peace about how to proceed...and like I said...if Jesus was standing there not only would you husband, mate, partner not hit or abuse you...he would protect, shield and cover you from being hit...

Some women die in their abusive situations almost afraid of letting God down...do not be one of those women...get out...get to safety...rebuild your self...

Proverbs 22 says...make no friendship with an angry man...and with a furious man thou shalt not go lest you learn his ways and get a snare unto thy soul.

Love,
Michelle



Friday, April 16, 2010

Do Not Minimize









(Also being marketed in Internationally in countries like Japan, Sweden, Finland, Germany...!!!)

A portion of the proceeds from novel help support local women's shelters



If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).






Ok...
Since we are on a angry roll...but we have recently learned that anger can me our friend...let's roll with it...

Do Not minimize abuse. Do Not call it something else. Do Not deny it or its damages.

In recent times women, children...or anyone who has been abused is being likened to having post traumatic stress disorder...after all. next to actual acts of war, abuse is one of the most stressful things a human can live through.

What you are living through is unique to you; but also universal in many ways.

Abuse can be being hit, being beaten, being threatened, being raped, being manipulated with emotional or other types of blackmail, fearing for your life or the lives of your children...and a whole host of things barely covered here...the point is...if you feel you are being abused, there is a strong possibility that you are. And since we know it is not ok...blogs like this were created to help you find the resolve to get out and get help.

Since denial is still so freaking prevalent in my family...many family members will be just finding out about the abusive situations I have been through as they are reading this blog...or my novel about it scheduled to be published soon...

So let's catch the denial bunch up...the denial bunch not only includes the ones who knew and did very little at those times...but it also covers the ones who still deny it today...here's the recap...in case anyone reading feels that I have no idea what real abuse is...and am just a drama queen in search of attention...(you know who you are and you are very sad...)

I have been slapped, slapped to the point of having my eardrum busted, raped (including, but not limited to, sex while asleep), choked, pushed out of a moving car, called every name in the book, thrown up against walls, punched, threatened, forced to watch threatening behaviors, spit at, had things thrown at me, had threatening messages left on my answering machine, held up at gun point, handed a loaded gun and asked to kill someone else, tripped, kicked, and someone abused both of my kids (to the point of crushing the skull of my 7 month old son)...just to name a few things...these things started in 1984...and were not completely eradicated until 2001ish.

There is no slicing any of that into my being a drama queen...women who are abused are not drama queens...they are suffers of abuse...they are suffers of post traumatic stress syndrome...probably suffering a great deal from depression...and may have had issues even before the abuse started.

When a person has been damaged...and repeatedly...and they ask for help...and hep is delayed...not forthcoming...or not offered at all...they will become even more and more damaged...in my case their self-image and confidence are shattered...their judgment takes a significant blow...they begin the downward spiral that is relevant to any other form of co-dependency or addiction...an otherwise bright and capable person can become a shell of once they once were. And the more it is kept in the dark...by the person suffering... by well-meaning family members...the more hideous it all has the chance to become.

In many of these cases the person being abused has a chance to going into therapy...only to find out that they had issues before...and only to find out the reason abuse had become so prevalent was just how much dysfunction had been ignored in their families of origin. Many abused women who are not able to get help...or who just haven't hit their own personal "rock bottom" may even start to self-medicate their pain from abuse in the form of drug and alcohol abuse as well. I was never a fan of street drugs, and I cannot drink more than 2 drinks without being drunk; so I found other ways to self-medicate. I ate. I shopped. I tried to befriend and help people who were even more messed up than I was. But deep down I was hurting from abuse and not able to get away from the destructive patterns and habits. As is the case with a lot of abused women I became just as bent and broken as the men abusing me.

I can only liken it to falling into a bunch of briers and getting cut and injured and being unable to get up out of it. And so to passers by...the people who do not stop and help...well all they hear is a lot of yelling and pain coming out of your mouth. And as they continue to pass by, not helping, you start to yell at them as well because they did not help. In the mean time the injuries are becoming deeper and more severe...pain is causing nausea...blood is pooling...infection is settling in...and in the name of "personal responsibility" you are being faulted and yelled at yourself. The words "emotional nightmare" hardly scratch the surface.

The most important to remember when it all gets ugly...and it will get ugly for almost everyone who is ever abused...is that the only way to stop the pain, get help for the infection, and heal the wounds is to get the hell up out of those briers. If you have family to help...great! Friends to help...great! But do not wait for anyone one else to help you in order to try to get yourself out. It will be painful. It will make you cry and scream. You will be damaged. You will need help from people outside of your circle. You will have to "do the work". You will feel like giving up...but do not give up!

Authority figures, strangers, women's shelters, church members, friends, and a few sparsely placed family members (who actually bothered to take our calls) are the ones who helped us...the other people in our lives felt we were unworthy....to help...to listen to...to redirect...to whatever...

I became someone I am immensely proud of...someone I would have coffee with, you know...

But I could not have become that had I not extricated myself from the briers of abuse...had I not faced the pain...the humiliation...the loneliness...the fear...the lowliness...the frustration...the anger...and all of the other things that had infected my wounds.

I started college from a women's shelter...a very good shelter...I was scared....alone...one of my kids was in therapy...I was in therapy...and my son was permanently disabled...it was not fun...it was hard...I cried myself to sleep on a pretty regular basis...but I got up every morning...knowing I was sane...could become healthy...and could love and provide a better life for my little ones.

Years later I would graduate from college...a PAC-10 university...yeah!!! I was so happy...and exhausted...and overwhelmed...but I did it! My degree will most likely afford me things I could not attain without it...but do you know the best thing it did? I do not care if my degree collects dust from here on out...it afforded me being able to set a great example for those little children of mine...and that alone was almost worth everything...

So I have to say...I AM HERE...YOU ARE NOT ALONE...YOU CAN RISE ABOVE YOUR SITUATION...DO NOT STAY IN AN ABUSIVE SITUATION...GET EMOTIONAL HELP....PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR KIDS...AND HOLD ON TO WHO YOU MIGHT BE SOME DAY!!! 

My dreams may not be your dreams...but your dreams are attainable...your wounds can be healed.

Much love,

Michelle






For Your Eyes Only...An Angry Post






(Also being marketed in Internationally in countries like Japan, Sweden, Finland, Germany...!!!)

A portion of the proceeds from novel help support local women's shelters


If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).


*********************************************************************************************************************************

There will be people in my family who will not know about me, and my kids having been abused. The reason they will not know was because denial, as a tool, was alive and well in my family.

The abuse I faced wasn't just in 2000 or 1996-1999. The cycle was actually set into motion starting in 1984. I would share his name but he is currently incarcerated; and unable to properly defend, or explain, himself (I will share the abuse he inflicte,d in a later post).

The thing about abuse is, very few people want to talk about it.

Their daughter, or other family member, gets abused and they want to keep it to themselves. Some people evrn feel that denial is sign of strength. The person being abused sometimes is even made to feel like it is their fault. The person being hit, slapped, raped, (or whatever) is made to feel that if they openly talk about it they will somehow bring an even bigger blight upon the family, or their reputation. But as anyone who has ever endured abuse knows, all of that is a crock of utter nonsense.

Abuse needs to be confronted, exposed and eradicated.

The only time it is okay not to confront is if you are attempting to leave an abuser. When you are setting out to leave you need to keep that to yourself. A lot of women are beaten severely for even contemplating leaving; some have even been killed.

However, once you are in a safe place, and wholly protected, from your abuser; talk.
Talk at church. Talk in your family. Talk at family gatherings. Talk with your friends. Talk whenever it is you need to talk.

Women, or people, who have never been jack slapped, beaten or threatened will have no idea what I am talking about. I am not addressing those people.

The time right before my son was almost killed...the abusive husband I had just before...well he was a friend to my extended family...he was breaking things around the house; cussing me out almost daily; putting his fist into walls and reminding me how lucky I was not to be the wall; smashing small appliances...and my extended family, to this day has remained sociable with him...imagine my discomfort at trying to get away from him while my family thought he was still such a great guy...

It was insanity...and it still creates tension...I pity families who, for whatever reason cannot rally around their abused family members...they help keep the cycle in motion...they are sad and frustrating.

After years of completely segregating myself from those who weren't supportive, I have come to realize that some of my family is broken, dysfunctional and hurting themselves...wouldn't they would have to be?

People who have the daylights beat out of them...do not deserve it...did not ask for it...and should not be shunned. They need tangible help...compassion...and enough time to heal their wounds and their hearts so that they can learn to make different choices.

This will qualify as one of my angry posts...appropriate anger though, is good people...because anger tells you something is wrong and needs to be change...anger is not the enemy...being abused is.

More later,

Michelle




Thursday, April 15, 2010

Damaged Goods







I think I put my novel's order website up on every blog, because I hope the novel sales will pay for the blog.

So, this is weird posting. I find it weird that we post our lives online. It is also weird because its true.

Sometimes, a woman who has experienced abuse can feel like damaged goods. At least that is how I came to feel.

She can beat herself up emotionally, if she cannot stop or control the abuse. She questions whether or not she deserves to be treated badly. It seems she is faulted, no matter how she decides to deal with it.The gamut of opinions about what she do, and when, is as varied as the stars in the sky.

She can vacillate back and forth between hope and resolve, then between depletion and vulnerability. Usually her emotions are at the liberty of someone else.

Sadly, it can be twice as disheartening if the woman happens to be a woman of faith. Most all the great faith belief systems in one way or another attempt to address male and female roles in marriage. I was Christian and in church; and at least subconsciously I felt like I would be seen as a failure to leave my unhealthy relationship. 

In my case, I would muster the fortitude to leave; but then my next relationship would be even worse. So it became a self-fulfilling prophesy of sorts. The more damaged I became the more and more damaged the men were that I was able to attract.

This isn't the kind of things people like to talk about in a polite society. So a lot of times women, like me, are allowed to fall by the wayside. Also, my family was so unsupportive that they felt that I was bringing all of this upon myself on purpose. Nothing could have been further from the truth.

The family of origin unit had been decimated when my parents divorced in the early 1980's. And I am sure I spent most of my adult life trying to piece together a family for myself. I knew what a family looked like and how they were supposed to treat one another; but I was very ill-equipped to procure those traits for myself.

I became the butt of a lot of jokes and ridicule in my family. All of my mistakes were heavily scrutinized. I was gossiped about, lied about and, worse yet, lied to. The worse lie? Was that I was loved in the first place. Loved doesn't kick someone when they are down. Love doesn't believe the worst of family. Love doesn't extract only enough information in order to feed an ever growing frenzy of gossip.

Things got so bad in my family that by the time I made my last mistake, my family was so embarrassed that they turned us out completely. Their attempt at saving face was more important than me turning things around or getting help.

I joke, these days, that my family treated me like a crack whore, or worse. I did not drink to excess, nor do drugs. I did not steal from them. All that I was guilty of, was being abused and asking for help. Though without getting help, I would spiral downward, and choose yet another abusive relationship.

I take full responsibility for all of my mistakes. I paid for, and sometimes am still paying for, all of my mistakes. However, I cannot speak as to why I could lean on next to no one in order to turn things around in my life. And I did want to turn things around. The evidence of this was in what happened when I finally found a few good people upon which I could lean and trust.

The last time my extended family turned me out was over fifteen years ago. I could have remained quiet about it; as if something horrible not happened. In the midst of trying to leave an abusive husband and of being told that me and my kids could not even sleep on anyone's couch. In the middle of all of that, a maniac, of monumental proportions, offered us a place to stay. War weary and overwhelmed I took that person up on their offer. Less than 12 weeks later that person would be arrested for almost killing my 7 month old son.

To this very day extended family members feel no shame, nor remorse, in not having helped us in any tangible way. Both of my kids were abused; but my infant son almost died. And somewhere in the midst of all of that some of my family thinks I should somehow be concerned with what they think of me.

It would be comical, if it were not so nauseating. If your family is like this, against such families, flee.

Blog me. Email me. Do what you have to to get out of your abusive situation, safely. And if your family ever makes you feel like your deserve to be abused then flee from them also.

More to follow as to what happened to the last abuser, my kids, and my some of my family.

Smile... you are not remotely alone in this.

love,
Michelle








If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Monday, April 12, 2010

The Need is Different Now





If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).



************************************************************************

In the 1980's when I first found myself in an abusive situation the world was a very different place. I would find out later that being abused in any form could set a vicious cycle into effect; this cycle would begin to color all of my relationships. This cycle would affect my life, my decisions and takes years to completely untangle from.

If you find yourself going from bad relationship, to the next you are not alone. A lot of us have been there, too. We are otherwise bright and capable women who may have many areas of our lives together; except for attracting broken partners. Broken partners are partners who hurt. Healthy relationships are not based upon hurt or need. If you feel like you are addicted to an unhealthy relationship chances are that you are. Not all unhealthy relationships turn violent; but some do.

No matter how you were raised to think of yourself no one "deserves" to be hurt.

If you are visiting here and wish to leave a comment; feel free. Do not do anything that makes you uncomfortable, makes you nervous or could jeopardize your safety.

One of the goals here was just to share; whatever came to mind. My experience may have been different than yours; but maybe something I can share will give you peace, or hope, or just a 5 minute break from the stress.

I have no answers; I can only direct to to organizations like the National Coalition Against Domestic Abuse who can help you find answers.

When I live in abusive situations I was overwhelmed with fear, doubt and a complete lack of trust. I actually firmly believed that I somehow deserve to be treated badly. It wasn't true for me. It isn't true for you.

Some women never experience abuse in any form. Some only experience an incident or two. Some die at the hands of their abusers.

My very first relationship was abusive. I had no self-image or confidence. And much like an addict I grew progressively worse; attracting only unhealthy partners. I had little in the way of family support; and so it was not long before I truly believed I deserved very little in the way of love or happiness. I became just as sick as the partners I was attracting. The last unhealthy partner was a man I had known for about twenty years. He was overtly broken; and I could not see any of it. Ten plus years ago he abused both of my small children; almost killing my 7 month old son. My son is nearly 15; and is permanently disabled because of the abuse he suffered at this man's hands.

Having survived this makes all of your stories very important to me. Do not trivialize what you face; and do not call it something else.

I will be sharing my son's story in the form of a novel shortly. I hope it will encourage all who read; but most especially those who fight to get to a healthy place.

I am here. I want you safe. I want to one hear the stories of what you overcame.

Love,
Michelle





National Coalition Against Domestic Violence







If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).



*******************************************

I may post this several times over the life of this blog: and that is so if you or anyone you know is experiencing verbal, physical or sexual abuse please contact the National Coalition Against Domestic Abuse.

If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Also by calling 1-800-779-SAFE (7233), they most likely can help you to find a shelter system in your local area.

If you follow this blog do not use your real name if you are in crisis; and make sure that you clear your web browser history after every use. Your long range goal is to make a safety plan, to get away from your abuser, and to rebuild your life.

The website for the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence's website at http://ncadv.org can instruct you as to how to make a safety plan; and how to do so in a safe manner.

This blog is for sharing and encouraging; and is not intended to replace a safety plan, a shelter system, or legal advice. 
No advice will be given; all guidelines will be in keeping with those posted on the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence website.

Survivor stories are also welcomed.
Encouragement is welcomed.
Women, and sometimes not women, need to know they are not alone in making these decisions. I have been there; it was a nightmare.
My children and I did overcome more than one difficult situation; and that speaks to other people being able to do it also.

If you feel like you cannot talk to anyone; I am here.

Michelle

P.S.   Feel free to follow me on Facebook: Michelle Rozier Moore Anderson;
or on Twitter @ andersonantibet.








Sunday, April 11, 2010

Staying Safe, if...








If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).





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If you go to a group meeting for abused women, you may be encouraged to make a "safety plan". This means you put all of your important numbers and documents in a place that is readily accessible. And if you have children this might include their birth certificates and shot records.

A lot of women, in abusive situations, find themselves in hotter water, than ever, when they make their plans to leave their abusers known. So, if at all possible do not tell your abuser that you are leaving. While some people may see this as cowardice; it is not. Wisdom says that in order to successfully leave an abuser your plans must be as secret as possible. Some of the most horrifying stories I ever heard we about women who did not make it out alive because they told their partners they were leaving. In healthy relationships you can leave whenever you want, but in abusive relationships your safety is not guaranteed.

Some women have families they can count on for support; people they can confide in to help their safety plans work. I did not have such a support group. I had to rely on virtual strangers to help me, and my kids, get to a healthier place in life. But still, we did not give up.

So I encourage you to stay strong; and stay in touch.

Michelle




Friday, April 9, 2010

Finding Peace with Yourself...












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Whether abuse is mental, physical or sexual it take a huge toll on a person's self image. In my case I was involved in more than one unhealthy relationship; in fact each one grew progressively worse. My own personal "rock bottom" was in 2000 when my 7 month old child was put on life support because of someone abusing him. It turned out the person had abused both of my kids. My son almost died. And except for one or two family members we were all but abandoned.

It is now over years later. Both children not only survived, but are thriving. My daughter went through years of therapy. My son had eye surgery, brain surgery and many seizures the first year after his injuries. He is ten now. He walks with a limp; is developmentally delayed; partially blind; but has come a long way since they pronounced him as a few steps above a vegetative state.

No matter what your support group is, whether large or non-existent, you will have to come to terms with yourself; and learn to make peace, with you.

I am here to share and listen.

Michelle


If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).



Wednesday, April 7, 2010

When you think you are crazy...












If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).



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It is odd to go most of your life thinking that you are smart and reasonable; and then have that severely doubted when some guy repeatedly treats you poorly.
You know that you are in dire need if you start to question your own judgment because of the behaviors or actions of someone else.

So many of the stories that I heard while I was in the shelter systems were even worse than my own. sadly so many of those women will not get out of their situations. And a certain percentage of them will even die trapped in the mire.
The worse story ever related to me was this very gentle, sweet women who had become very calloused and stern just to stay alive. She was beautiful inside and out but was already very mangled.

The last time I saw her she was getting ready to go to a funeral several hours away of two of her family members. Her abuser had killed them just in order to get her to come out of hiding so that he could have access to hurt her. After several hours of talking with the people at the shelter she was persuaded not to come out of hiding; and she had to miss the funeral of her brother and nephew. I remember the totally resigned, helpless look she had on her face as she sat there smoking a cigarette trying to regain what was left of her composure. And most of the stories are just as moving, and upsetting.

Let me know what is on your mind,

Michelle



If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).




Monday, April 5, 2010

Creating a Safety Plan...









If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).



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One of the first things I learned when I became associated with a women's shelter was, that as a part of personal responsibility, that I needed to create a safety plan. It was foreign to me because I was not use to making sure that my personal needs were met.

At the time, I only had a few friends; and I wasn't sure who to confide in about it. I thought I could trust my family; but that turned out to be not true. As is the case so often in cases of abuse there is so much more going on than just the incidents of physical, verbal or sexual abuse.

Sometimes there is dysfunction that runs so deeply, and for so long, that the abused woman finds that her family of origin might not be a place of safety either. When this happens she may feel compelled to keep going back and forth between getting safely away from her attacker and going back to him. If you find yourself vacillating back and forth between wanting to escape and feeling pressured to stay; try to see if you can establish a stronger support group. If people in your life are still communicating with your alleged abuser, then you may have to consider not confiding in them.

This was the case with me; when later in 1999/2000 I was steeped deeply in yet another unhealthy, abusive relationship and could not seem to untangle from it. My family of origin was actually friends with him; and had already formed their allegiance regardless of my claims of verbal, physical and sexual abuse.

Some people do not want to hear the truth. It seems that truth does not fit into their perspective. In my case, my family of origin used denial and other defense mechanisms to help them to "save face". I learned the hard way that if I was going to stop the cycle of abuse I was going to have to go at it mainly alone. I felt alone; and maybe you do too. But the real truth is we are not alone; and we are thousands strong, and we do not have to be abused
.

Drop me a line,

Michelle


If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).



Waiting for The Other Shoe, to Drop









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Any woman who has ever been hit might wonder, for a brief instance, afterwards what on earth she had done to deserve such a thing. 
The truth is that I cannot think of a single reason why a man would feel compelled to hit a woman. 
There are terrible stories about women who hit each other and men who fist fight; that is not the kind of abuse I am addressing here. 
I am not addressing abuse in general, but specifically, men who abuse women. 
I am looking at that fiery sting to the cheek, or jawline, felt right after a man has taken upon himself to slap, hit or backhand his wife, partner or girlfriend. 
What, I wonder, told him that that was his only course of action?

The first time it happened to me I was not even 20 years old. I remember thinking that I could not figure out why someone, I thought I loved and trusted. would do such a thing.

The short term damages faded quickly; though the long-term abuse lasted a total of four years. 
But the effects would be felt for nearly twenty years; they now call this PTSD. The short term fix was looking at what I had said or done that contributed to such a thing. 
The longer term look ended up being a self-image so shattered that I began to believe that I must have deserved such a thing.

If a person believes that they deserve such a thing, there is a good chance that they will only attract people who treat then poorly. This kind of destructive pattern is every bit as damaging as the cycles that any other addict experiences.

If you can relate to what I am sharing in even a small measure, please know that you do not have to live in fear.

The first thing you can do for yourself is admit that the situation is bigger than you, and that you need help. 
The next thing to do is to make a safety plan; that you do not share with your abuser or their friends or family. 
You will need to assess your income and resources. You will need to figure out if you can live on your own. You need to know if you can rely on friends or family for moral, spiritual or financial help. 
If you do not have a tight knit support group it is wise to check community and social outreach programs to see what is available. Also know that in some areas there are support groups/therapy groups available for encouragement and sharing even if you have not yet your abuser. Not every abusive relationship has to end, but every abusive relationship does have to change.

(Remember, abusers are very good at controlling and manipulating their victims. People who have been emotionally abused or battered are depressed, drained, scared, ashamed, and confused. They need help to get out, yet they’ve often been isolated from their family and friends. By picking up on the warning signs and offering support, you can help them escape an abusive situation and begin healing http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm#understanding).




Let me know how you are doing,

Michelle






If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).