Monday, June 27, 2011

...What Will Happen Today?

...when I was in therapy as a recovering/overcoming abuse victim I told my counselor that I felt I was a recovering alcoholic, with an outrageous hangover,...even though I didn't drink very much...the therapist smiled...apparently the dysfunction for living with an abuser is very much like living in a house with a practicing alcoholic...always making excuses...always covering...always thinking things can get better without actual help...so then stars the mantra "what will happen today?"

Let me know how you are doing.

Michelle





(Also being marketed in Internationally in countries like Japan, Sweden, Finland, Germany...!!!)

A portion of the proceeds from novel help support local women's shelters




If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).


Born to unusual, but nice, parents, Michelle/Shelby grew up rather uneventfully, living mainly in the deep south (Alabama). Later she would learn that it was her parents' love for her that not only brought them together, but had kept them together. And so life was ideal in many respects and distressing in others. Eventually though the family did scatter like leaves on an autumn morning. Fortunately she was able to extract a sincere appreciation for love, beauty, and an abiding respect for those who at least try.

The single greatest influence in her life was the remarkable time spent with her paternal grandmother;  it was under this influence that she thrived. Her grandmother introduced her to not only fine Literature, but also the Arts and the Opera. And it was beloved grandmother who told her that if she wanted to be a great writer she must first learn to be an avid reader.

Early adult life would be peppered with indecision, failings, and the haunting of things not learned in childhood. But as is the case with most sincere artist, out of the angst of life came a great capacity for creativity.

Shelby considers her writing a gift...a joy, a tremendous responsibility, and something that helps to define her life.
Ms. Anderson is a graduate of Oregon State University; and is also currently working on a master's degree.

She lives in very picturesque Central Oregon with her two children.


Sunday, June 26, 2011

...Keeping up with the Joneses? Really?

One of the biggest challenges to breaking free from a man that hits, intimidates or threatens, is the natural desire to keep up with the "Joneses".
A lot of unhealthy relationships still have healthy aspects to them...for instance, the bills could be paid...the house can be beautiful...and the the lifestyle very secure...but beneath the surface lurks profound dysfunction.  Outward signs of security, sometimes...a lot of times...speak success to us...also, some of us are taught that making on it on our own is hard... tiring...and is not secure...basically, we are told that we cannot make it without a man, any man. And we are taught to not only keep up with the Joneses, but to worry about what they think of us.

...but eventually there has to be something inside of us that says 
"Jump in a lake, Mr and Mrs Jones, because I am worth more than keeping up with you"

...The reality is, living life on our own is hard, especially for those of us that have children. As for me and my two children? Well, the difficulty of living on our own was compounded because my son was disabled.

And one of the most painful truths of my life?One of my unhealthy relationships facilitated my son becoming disabled. 

So, it is darned hard to start over...especially without help, resources, and emotional support...but the alternative is worse...because whether a man is pre-battery...a full blown abuser...a druggie...or any other kind of addict...well, the thing is that you don't know that today he might just snap and your life could be over.

...no matter how hard it is...it is always better to get out, and be safe, than to stay...and the best piece of advice I ever got was not to tell my abuser I was leaving...because if they know, they hurt.

Let me know how you are doing.

Michelle





A portion of the proceeds from novel help support local women's shelters



If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).






...The One that Sticks...









(Also being marketed in Internationally in countries like Japan, Sweden, Finland, Germany...!!!)

A portion of the proceeds from novel help support local women's shelters



If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).




...she could barely breathe...partly because of the years of smoking she had endured...and partly because she had been shot...and the bullet was lodged somewhere between her shoulder blade and her lungs...her ex had shot her...and that was why she was in a women's shelter...but tonight was different...she was smoking...and crying and sharing about how her dad and her brother had also been shot...they both died...and she had to miss the funerals because she had to stay safe in a shelter...at first those of us who were listening didn't realize that it had been her ex who had killed her dad and brother...it was horrifying to listen to...ad even more horrendous to have lived...there were no words that we could share that could take the sting out of her situation...

that is one of the stories that sticks with me from having lived in a women's shelter...

and the reason that shelter workers do not want us to lessen our own experience is because the reality is that we do not know at what point that could have been any of us...

...the first person who beat the daylights out of me was my ex husband tom...and i am sure there are people who that i exaggerated his abuse...namely tom's mother...but last i heard tom's mother had died some horrible death...and years after my divorce from tom he is now in a texas state prison on a 35 year sentence for armed robbery...

...so in fact I hadn't exaggerated...i had lived through hell...as i am sure tom's next wife did too...i was blessed to have no kids by him...she...sadly has to not only be a single parent...but also raise the kids she had with him knowing that one day they will want to know how their father turned out...

i blog these experiences not because i am not over them...but they are a testimony to God goodness...and in overcoming...

i wish my self-esteem had been such that tom had been the last mistake i made regarding controlling men...but he wasn't my last mistake...he was only my first mistake...

i didn't know just how broken I was after him...and i continued to attract broken...

i made the decision yesterday to not marry again...i am strong enough to help others, i think...but i may not be strong enough to attract healthy...

if we didn't purposely break ourselves...then it stands to reason we cannot fix ourselves.


let me know how you are doing.

Michelle







Saturday, June 25, 2011

Empowering?


Can we really empower, if we don't talk about things?

Women who had been abused are going to be in different places at different times.

For instance when I was in counseling back in 2000-2002 it was suggested that I be treated like a survivor of a war...PTSD...because going through repeated abuse can scar a person very much going through a war zone...abuse is trauma to the the mind...it requires defense mechanisms that are very similar to going through a natural disaster or a battle...But some women who have suffered abuse may not have been treated like that...even though they needed to have been.

The biggest mistake? is minimization of whatever the abuse was...a slap...a punch...an episode of rape...a severe beating...a death/suicide threat...whatever form the power play comes in it is still abuse...and all should be treated the same...by therapists, friends, supportive family members...by anyone that the abused person is reaching out to...and it is war...a war of wills...of personalities...of power...of autonomy...in fact it has as many layers and facets as the relationship does.

My ex...the one from 1994-2001 like to think that he was not abusive...he would say that I exaggerated his minor temper problems...he thought break appliances, throwing things, putting his fist into walls and cabinets as very minor things...I fully suspect he was damaged as a child...most likely greatly...and so to him what he inflicted was probably much less tan what he had endured...after all he was such a nice guy...but nice or not..responsible or not...none of that stopped him from inflicting abuse...and not just toward me...but to others as well...

I had the added discomfort that my ex was well liked by my step family...so...I was cornered...my family was mad at me for trying to tear down this supposed great guy that they had always loved...but how was it that they had always loved him? because they too had learnt to excuse and look the other way during his episodes of abuse...even long before he and I were a couple...basically my family's stance was that I either needed to toughen up...or shut up...because what I was complaining about was as bad as...such and such...whatever...can you imagine that kind of reaction from your own family? Don't be too surprised it happened thousands of times a year...somehow the abuse victim becomes the bad guy because they expose...they talk...they ask for respect...it is incredulous, but rampant...

So where are you in your cycle of having been abused?


Let me know how you are doing.

Michelle













(Also being marketed in Internationally in countries like Japan, Sweden, Finland, Germany...!!!)

A portion of the proceeds from novel help support local women's shelters



If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Friday, June 24, 2011

Do we all abuse? Great question.



So at some time any person who has gone through abuse will ask themselves a question like this...which is, do we all abuse???

20 years ago yelling or spanking wasn't considered abuse...in some households it was just the average pre dinner routine.
But now courts are saying we cannot even spank our children for goodness sake.
When I speak of abuse I am not speaking of yelling at your kids...or even spanking them...I am speaking of adult on adult physical violence.
My ex once punch a hole in the wall and then said "I bet you are glad you aren't the wall"...and that is abuse. So too of course is getting punched.
So in answer to the question...I think we can all abuse...cross a line...or even "lose it" big time...the abuse comes in making the other person afraid...the abuse comes in the power play...
...the abuse comes in exerting power, fear or intimidation over the other person.

If I want my children to learn to respect others, they must first respect me...but making them fearful is not the same as respect...
And in a marriage or love relationship, why would there be any cause for instilling fear or intimidation...? In a romantic relationship there is no boss...no parent...no authority figure...and yet many marriages are conducted that way...
I am deciding as I write this that I will most likely never marry again...I am not cynical to love...far from that...but what if I am too damaged to ever do it justice?
Okay so I am bright, educated...heck I can be a laugh a minute riot...but can a person get to the point where they are unable to trust? Sometimes I think that I have.

In proverbs in the Bible it says words to the effect that we are not make no friendship with an angry man...and with a furious man we should not go...lest we learn his ways and get a snare unto our souls...
But what if we have been with more than one furious man? are we damned? No. I do not think that is what it is saying...I think it means we can learn their bad habits...we can learn their disregard for respect...which could explain how some women can go from abusive relationship to abusive relationship.

Let me know how you are doing.

Michelle







(Also being marketed in Internationally in countries like Japan, Sweden, Finland, Germany...!!!)

A portion of the proceeds from novel help support local women's shelters



If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).


It Changes; But it Doesn't Go Away...

It is weird.Some people have it in their mind that if a person who has endured abuse, and talks openlt about it, that somehow they are not getting on with their life. 
Nonsense. 
Talking about it is one clear sign that they are doing well with getting on with their life.

Silence, apathy and indifference are the very traits that perpetuate abusive cycles.

All of this, is why I called my first novel, depicting one women's journey out of abuse: 
"The House that Silence Bought" 

(because those who have been abused are to combat silence at every turn)

People who speak out against abuse are not meaning to turn people into victims...because the abuse did that...they are meaning to help former victims up out of the muck...so that they can rebuild their lives. Reaching back helps others overcome. Healing, faith and strength translates us from victims, to overcomers!

Not everyone who comes out of abuse and reaches a healthier place, will reach back to help others...that may not be their niche in life...but it is mine.


Let me know how you are doing.

Michelle










A portion of the proceeds from novel help support local women's shelters





If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).