A woman who comes up out of abusive cycles is not looking for someone to blame, as much as she is just looking for peace and healing and encouragement. If encouragement is not forthcoming, and her self-esteem is compromised, she may look to a whole host of activities in order to boost her marred confidence. This includes gossiping, flirting, shopping, doing drugs, having illicit sex, gambling...etc. The poor decisions only magnify the problems.
You see, coping skills are not something any of us are born with...we have to learn them. If we don't learn them? we sure as heck cannot teach them to our kids. Thus abuse, dysfunction, and potential mental health issues get jumbled up in a vicious cycle - sadly that some of us never escape.
Family dysfunction is a mental health issue to be sure, but it also so much more as well.
If you are trapped in the muck and the mire that is dysfunction and abuse, do not give up on getting out of it. You can take yourself in hand and you can overcome your situation, your past and the damage you have endured.
Most dysfunctional families have no clue that they are hurting. They don't know that there can be another way of relating and communicating.
Take my situation: I went from one bad relationship to another, never taking the time to look at and fix me. I attracted broken, in part because I, too, was broken.
Healthy people talk, are honest and vulnerable. They incorporate proper communication skills, good boundaries and they forgive. Forgiveness is a key component in being healthy mentally and spiritually - otherwise, bitterness can spring forth and damage yourself and others.
Family dysfunction is a pandemic, and it is not even remotely being addressed as a culture/society.
Seek not to blame, but to understand. Our families think they are doing the best they know how to do. It doesn't matter at this point what you were taught, what skills you learned from your family. All of that would have possibly made a difference, but it didn't happen. You have to accept that, cry and mourn over that - and find a way to move on.
Seek God. Lean on friends, support groups and people who are kind to you - never mind if they are not your family of origin. You can learn healthy coping skills. You can fix what is damaged in you, and learn to take better care of yourself mentally, physically and spiritually.
And...if someone wants to put down your desire to grow, heal and learn? it is ok to keep them at a distance - even if they are family.
Like yourself. Love yourself. Learn to be protective of yourself. learn the value of you - and forgive yourself and them.
And if you have no resources or time, then take the initiative to look up things online - because anything you didn't learn, you can learn now.
Much love,
Mickey Len (Michelle)
