(from Facebook 4/4/2012)
"...didn't think I would ever love a song about someone lying...but "There is no Arizona" is very special to me...this song was popular the spring Jordan was on life support...in fact the first time I heard it was a couple days after Jordan was hurt...I remembered thinking that my soul was as dry and barren as the song was depicting...someone I loved, trusted, thought I knew... had just been accused of beating my kid almost to the point of death...and we were realizing there was no freakin Arizona...these days were are so glad to have overcome..."
"...one of the things we do not do often enough or completely enough in our culture, is mourn or grieve...instead we shove it down, act tough, and defy our emotions to betray us...as though there is any strength in denial...in being stoic...putting on a brave face is ok for a while, but acting like it never happened is insane...let's not do that each other...let's not act like it is weak to cry, hurt and mourn...because there is strength in facing life as it actually happened..."
Songs sometime have the ability to transport us to a different time and place. This one takes me back to the week of May 10, 2000.
"...her heart sinks lower in her chest..."
...and I am transported back to a time when my son was being kept alive by machines.
You don't know who you are, or what you are capable of, until something this horrendous happens to one of your children, and you can do nothing.
If you want to no why shelters, counselors, social workers and self-help groups drill about things about safety, getting away from abusive men, and making better decisions...its because they know that when we make decisions when we are damaged, someone is apt to get hurt...
The Bible even speaks to this, in Proverbs, 22nd chapter...
"Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go: lest you learn his ways and get a snare unto your soul"
And rest assured there is a snare in not getting away from a violent man...he can hurt you, kill you, damage your children, so bend and twist you that you are no longer the vibrant, capable person you once were...and heaven forbid you keep going back to him...or worse find an even more abusive man to replace him with. It is called the cycle of abuse for a reason; because once it is set into motion it can be nearly impossible to untangle from...and even if you do survive what is left of you is so mangled that you barely recognize what is left.
Why did I write "The House that Silence Bought"?
...to gain attention?
...to blame my problems on others?
...to shame my family?
I wrote it because it is important to break the cycle of abuse before it takes a toll on your life that is nearly priceless.
....my son is permanently disabled...and not just because some maniac crushed his skull at age 7 months...but also because of what abusive relationships had already wreaked on my emotions and confidence...and also because my family of origin was in such denial they couldn't be bothered with much else other than judgement and condemnation...it is years later, and they still don't fully grasp what all contributed to Jordan being disabled.
Freak of freakin nature, people who have always called themselves family, are social with the children's father; who was the abusive man I had left just weeks before running into the man who almost killed my kid.
Like I said, it is called a cycle, for a very good reason.
It would be one thing if children's father had ever acknowledged his abuse, and I had processed his remorse and chosen to forgiven him. But to this day he claims he was never abusive and that I am crazy. He is a lovely human being. Of course I say "lovely" sometimes, when I want to cuss.
"...so take the time, those of you that have been abused to deal squarely with what actually happened...cry, shout, scream into a pillow...cry some more...feel each of your feelings fully...fear, anguish, hopelessness, anger, resentment, abandonment, rejection...whatever it is...feel it...mourn...grieve the loss of all the lies that had to be shoved down your throat in order to accept the situation...and get help...from a counselor, from God, from church...from friends...and if you are fortunate to have a a loving, emotionally healthy family, from them as well...get help...break the cycle...don't become a statistic or a cautionary tale..."
In physically abusive situations there are very few choice outcomes...death, injury, disability, annihilation and assimilation of a person's self-esteem, confidence and autonomy...or becoming a cautionary tale...case in point.