Sunday, April 29, 2012

Attention Hound...

...Someone once hinted that I might be an attention hound. 
I smiled. 
You see, I do have OCD (and I battle hideous insecurity, daily)...so yes, I am pretty sure that my OCD does gets attention.
...and I have come up out of abusive situations/where I felt too overwhelmed to even assert myself. 
...and I wrote a novel/book about overcoming dysfunction, that is selling, worldwide
...but the thing is though...it isn't about me, mostly...I open myself up and sometimes even play the fool, to get other people to open up...if people can see that other people have overcome, they are likely to feel that they can, too. 
...that, and being bold, is sometimes a gift, sometimes a curse. 
...for the most part I am all my 2 kids and I have, to stretch resources, to stay encouraged, and to keep us going in this great big world...so I have to willing to be scrappy...lol...and I am making peace with that...

********************************************************************

If you have ever been a doormat in a relationship...or did not feel empowered to change your destructive patterns...well, when you finally do, you are on your way to being different.
...I am different then from who I was the first time I my first husband belted me. 
...I am different than from when I felt abandoned when I left my kids' abusive dad. 
...I am different from who I was just a few years ago, when my latest husband came home and said he never loved me; but that he had only married me so I could help him raise his sons..

I sure as heck had better be different...otherwise I might still be the blubbering idiot that ever lowered my standards long enough to have settle for any one of them...does that make sense? 

I don't hate men...I do feel the abusive, selfish, immature ones give men a bad name...but mostly, it wasn't about them...and if you are struggling in an unhealthy relationship, you may find your abusive relationship isn't 100% about your's man's faults, temper or pain, either...it is not about them all about them, it is about us.


Very few healthy, capable women get the hello knocked out of them more than once...and do you want to know why? Because they leave...if not the first time, at least the second time...and for them it is usually over...there is none of the lame, scary crap of going back over and over...and there is rarely any downward cycle that lets them choose unhealthy guys over and over...nope, because they grasp taking care of themselves...they grasp self-respect...they grasp asserting themselves in a healthy manner...

So if we don't leave immediately...why? If we go back, repeatedly...why? Or if we choose the same kinds of guys over and over again...why? 

Because somewhere in our lives we did not learn, with clear decisiveness, to care for ourselves...somewhere we got a crossed signal...and we built on it...we built our sense of self on a wrong message.
*****************************************************************

Here are some truths I am just now figuring out in life:

I do not have to be in a relationship to be whole. 
I am a good and worthy person. 
I deserve to take care of myself; and if I do not take care of myself, no one else will. 
I can learn things I didn't learn as a child and young adult. 
If someone doesn't treat me nicely, I owe it to myself, my God and my children to assert myself firmly and politely...and if they continue to cross the line, it is ok to walk away...no matter who they are.
I like myself; so why wouldn't I take the time to take care of myself?...and even further along that same path...how can I extend care to others sincerely, if I cannot even show it to myself? I can't.

******************************************************************
So, when the dust settles on most unhealthy relationships...usually there are 2 people who need to to heal and get better, not just one...






If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Signs to a Healthy Self-Esteem...


Signs of a healthy self esteem:

has self respect; and requires/inspires it in others; 
is calm; 
is composed; 
doesn't seek others’ approval; 
is capable and disciplined; 
knows what they like and what they don’t like; 
knows what they stand for, and isn’t afraid to take a stand; 
their sense of self is internally motivated and fed, rather than externally; 
is confident, though not arrogant; 
is assertive, though not aggressive;  
is gracious and hospitable, without being insecure or a doormat; 
they know strengths and weaknesses; 
they seek to keep good company, including those of character, integrity and manners; 
they think before the speak and act; 
they ask for help when they need it; 
they offer help when they can give it; 
they do not settle for second rate behaviors and attitudes in self or others; 
they express wants, needs and desires in a healthy fashion; 
they are quick and sincere in their forgiveness of self and others; 
they have or develop a strong work ethic; 
they strive to become a independent and interdependent; 
they set goals for short term and long term accomplishments; 
and they learn to handle both failure and success well. 

And when these attributes/traits are in your life it is not likely that you will end up in destructive cycles that include alcoholism, drug addiction or being with abusive partners...








If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE.




Thursday, April 26, 2012

Social Work/Note to Self...


...so there i was sitting across from my counselor, when it hit me...

...apparently i mostly date guys that i feel sorry for...

...why? 

...maybe, it's complicated...maybe it's about wanting to feel needed...

...maybe i am scared of what a healthy, normal relationship might be like...i have been fixing people so long, that i, myself,  have become broken...

...i pitied my ex, with him raising his boys alone...so i caved and agreed to give my all...
...i pitied my ex (that became the father of my children), because he handed me a loaded gun and ask me to kill him if i wasn't going to date/marry him...so, i caved and gave into what he wanted...
...i pitied my first husband...because of his scars, his lack of friends, his home life...so, i caved and tried to make up for all he didn't get growing up...

...but why did i look for broken? 
...maybe because my core belief was that i was damaged, and only other damaged people would want me...

...that is a really faulty core belief...and it did not serve me well at all...
...first i did not fix anyone...and whatever good I did plant, did not secure decent treatment from them...if anything they stayed broken, and i learned to be like them, instead of them learning to be like me...

...the kicker was though, i wasnt broken...i had normal faults, insecurities and "isms'...

...these days i am learning to be ok alone...work on me...try to shy away from those who need fixing; but not because I judge them, but because it really isn't my job to fix anyone...

...this may shock some people, but healthy "self love" is good...jesus said that we are to love our neighbor as ourselves...which logically translates to it being very difficult to give love to others, if we do not have it for ourselves...lots of well meaning people bashed the book "self love"...especially well meaning christians...i heard things like that book was teaching people to be selfish and self-centered...but, that is not true...we, as healthy humans, do have to have a healthy self image, self respect and confidence in order to make it in life...if not we can become beset with a myriad of hideous hindrances...like alcoholism, relationship addiction and leading to things even more severe...

...i did not love, except if i was needed...such as with my first husband...he was just the first man i slept with...and it was ingrained in me that if i slept with a man i had to marry him...so i did...
...i did not love the man who became my kids' father...his attention was flattering...i thought marrying him would get me back into my family's good graces...but he really was very disturbing and volatile...and because of these traits, i do not want a lot to do with my family because they still associate with him...
...and i did not love my ex with the three boys...i mostly just love being needed...and sometimes if you cannot have what you want in life, you settle for what you might be willing to put up with...but how good can that be if you "settled"???

...i want a guy that thinks of me first...not like a lost puppy, but just is sincere in his desire to get to know me well...
...i want a guy i can lean into when all of my "isims" go awol...it is true that i shouldn't have all of these 'isms'...but i do...

...note to self on getting to a better place:

...learn to better manage insecurities...
...for instance, i don't want a guy who is going to beat me up (mentally or physically) for where i am, right now...
...i like to be needed...but i am not a mommie or babysitter; at least not to a grown man...
...i like to dance; but i don't like the bar scene...
...i like eating out at least once a month...
...i love listening to classical music; drinking coffee; taking pictures; and watching college football...and it is not that that we have to be joined at the hip in all of our interests, but sometimes, let it be about me...instead of me catering to you all of the time...
...i want to work...in fact, working hard right now at building two careers...if you want a clean house, clean it...if you want a trophy wife, marry someone else...if you don't like something i say, be willing to discuss it with me, or even debate it with me...but do not lay down some neanderthal type law with me and expect me to swoon...i can swoon, but will not over being told what to do...
...i want a partner, a friend, a lover...not a daddy or a warden...
...i am educated..i worked hard to become so, so do not ask me to "dumb down" or play the wall flower...instead, why not be happy that someone as smart as i am, is your partner...

...dating, courting and marriage is not social work...or at least it shouldn't be...i shouldn't have to build up, to overcome anger issues, a drinking problem or being socially inept...

...it is supposed to be fun, relaxing...sometimes spontaneous and magical...

...and for the record, if your idea of courting is getting together for sex...and we have sex for a couple of years before we talk commitment...well, that is nuts and unhealthy...just because it is socially acceptable in our culture, does not mean that is how you build a relationship...there are just as many divorces with couples who live together, as for those who don't...and we are the walking wounded when we go from one relationship to the next, to the next, to the next...i know this from first hand knowledge...






If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE.







Thursday, April 19, 2012

...first relationship, with a side of abuse





My first husband was abusive. His name was Tom. He is currently in a Texas prison for armed robbery. 


He and I married in 1984. The abuse started less that 6 months after we married. At Tom's hands I was slapped, shoved, raped, pushed out of a moving car...among other things. 


And about how things were with my first husband, Tom...it was so strange...it was like it was up on me, before I could really run for daylight...I confided in my parents...and my dad even had Tom arrested once...but there was such an emotional draw there...Tom made it seem like I was the only who loved him or believed in him...apparently the Regan household/childhood was a nightmare...and they all just coped better than Tom...it was nothing for Tom's mom, Jan to fist fight those boys into submission...

So, back when things were so horrible I was able to confide a bit in Tom's mom...but I had no clue just how messed up she was and had her own issues, that were not talked about...one incident that speaks of that, was when I left Tom once while we were living in Mobile, back in 1986...I went to live with my parents (even though my step-mother resented it)...that afternoon Tom locked our $500 scottish terrier, Sherman out of our apartment...walked to Circle K...stole a car...drove to a fancy department store, maxed out our credit cards for clothes, shoes and whatever...and started driving for Seattle...he was delusional enough to think that he could contact my mother, who lived there, to get me to come back...my mom would have no more talked to him than the man in the moon, because of how he had treated me...but he didnt ask, he just took off...

By the time he got to Chicago, he was feeling guilty about stealing the car...left most the stuff he had just bought in it...and took off for Seattle on foot...and started calling my parents collect every few hours to let me know of this brilliant plan he had to move us to Seattle...my mom said if he showed up, she would have him arrested...he was hitchhiking...had no winter clothes...no coat...it was a nightmare...somewhere between him being in Chicago and Montana, I had gotten in touch with his mom and given her the real scoop...she still worked for American Airlines back then...she said if Tom could make it to a major airport, she would fly him down to Dallas...only the kicker was I had to go back to him and "tend to my marriage"...as in I had to leave Mobile, Alabama and move to Dallas, Texas to meet him...she would help us get an apartment...and yada, yada, yada...I felt so trapped...I had no clue how messed up Jan was in her own mind, to have even suggested I go go back with Tom, after telling her what all he had already done...I caved...we ended up staying with the aunt in Dallas that had worked for the IRS for a couple of months before he and I could both get jobs...

The very first night I was at the aunt's house...she was wonderful by the way...but she had no clue what Tom was really like...well that first night, Tom closed the door, turned out the light and smacked me so hard that I saw stars and almost passed out...and said "that's for doing all of this and embarrassing me to my mom and family"...

We were in Dallas in our own place for about 6 months before I was able to finally get away from him for good...that was in 1986...(we had just gotten married in 1984)...it was 1988 before the divorce was final...

Part of what created the unhealthy dynamic between me and my step-mother was she is a person that cares about "what people think"...she cared more about that, than about me...so my humiliation over all that happened with Tom, was just embarrassment for her...something she could put down and gossip about, as though she had no skeletons in her closets...

It is weird what dysfunctional families do to their own members for saving face... 

I am not like that with my kids...they have known from day one, if they get into trouble they cannot handle themselves, they are supposed to run home...not feel all alone like I did...it is not that we can solve our kids' problems for them, they have to do the work...but we sure as heck can be supportive and loving, no matter how old they are...but especially if they are being abused...






Can be ordered on Amazon, Powell's and Tate Publishing

(Also being marketed in Internationally in countries like Japan, Sweden, Finland, Germany...!!!)

A portion of the proceeds from novel help support local women's shelters






If you need immediate assistance, dial 911.  The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).


Born to unusual, but nice, parents, Michelle/Shelby grew up rather uneventfully, living mainly in the deep south (Alabama). Later she would learn that it was her parents' love for her that not only brought them together, but had kept them together. And so life was ideal in many respects and distressing in others. Eventually though the family did scatter like leaves on an autumn morning. Fortunately she was able to extract a sincere appreciation for love, beauty, and an abiding respect for those who at least try.



Wednesday, April 4, 2012

...when, there is no Arizona...



(from Facebook 4/4/2012)

"...didn't think I would ever love a song about someone lying...but "There is no Arizona" is very special to me...this song was popular the spring Jordan was on life support...in fact the first time I heard it was a couple days after Jordan was hurt...I remembered thinking that my soul was as dry and barren as the song was depicting...someone I loved, trusted, thought I knew... had just been accused of beating my kid almost to the point of death...and we were realizing there was no freakin Arizona...these days were are so glad to have overcome..."

‎"...one of the things we do not do often enough or completely enough in our culture, is mourn or grieve...instead we shove it down, act tough, and defy our emotions to betray us...as though there is any strength in denial...in being stoic...putting on a brave face is ok for a while, but acting like it never happened is insane...let's not do that each other...let's not act like it is weak to cry, hurt and mourn...because there is strength in facing life as it actually happened..."

Songs sometime have the ability to transport us to a different time and place. This one takes me back to the week of May 10, 2000.

"...her heart sinks lower in her chest..." 
...and I am transported back to a time when my son was being kept alive by machines.


You don't know who you are, or what you are capable of, until something this horrendous happens to one of your children, and you can do nothing. 

If you want to no why shelters, counselors, social workers and self-help groups drill about things about safety, getting away from abusive men, and making better decisions...its because they know that when we make decisions when we are damaged, someone is apt to get hurt...

The Bible even speaks to this, in Proverbs, 22nd chapter...

"Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go: lest you learn his ways and get a snare unto your soul"

And rest assured there is a snare in not getting away from a violent man...he can hurt you, kill you, damage your children, so bend and twist you that you are no longer the vibrant, capable person you once were...and heaven forbid you keep going back to him...or worse find an even more abusive man to replace him with. It is called the cycle of abuse for a reason; because once it is set into motion it can be nearly impossible to untangle from...and even if you do survive what is left of you is so mangled that you barely recognize what is left. 

Why did I write "The House that Silence Bought"? 
...to gain attention? 
...to blame my problems on others? 
...to shame my family? 
Hell, NO. 

I wrote it because it is important to break the cycle of abuse before it takes a toll on your life that is nearly priceless.
....my son is permanently disabled...and not just because some maniac crushed his skull at age 7 months...but also because of what abusive relationships had already wreaked on my emotions and confidence...and also because my family of origin was in such denial they couldn't be bothered with much else other than judgement and condemnation...it is years later, and they still don't fully grasp what all contributed to Jordan being disabled. 
Freak of freakin nature, people who have always called themselves family, are social with the children's father; who was the abusive man I had left just weeks before running into the man who almost killed my kid. 

Like I said, it is called a cycle, for a very good reason. 

It would be one thing if children's father had ever acknowledged his abuse, and I had processed his remorse and chosen to forgiven him. But to this day he claims he was never abusive and that I am crazy. He is a lovely human being. Of course I say "lovely" sometimes, when I want to cuss. 

"‎...so take the time, those of you that have been abused to deal squarely with what actually happened...cry, shout, scream into a pillow...cry some more...feel each of your feelings fully...fear, anguish, hopelessness, anger, resentment, abandonment, rejection...whatever it is...feel it...mourn...grieve the loss of all the lies that had to be shoved down your throat in order to accept the situation...and get help...from a counselor, from God, from church...from friends...and if you are fortunate to have a a loving, emotionally healthy family, from them as well...get help...break the cycle...don't become a statistic or a cautionary tale..."


In physically abusive situations there are very few choice outcomes...death, injury, disability, annihilation and assimilation of a person's self-esteem, confidence and autonomy...or becoming a cautionary tale...case in point. 





If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).