Monday, February 6, 2012

...making love out of nothing...





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Originally from November 2009 on my Facebook notes 
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Sometimes chinks in our self-esteem can start simply enough...


And very much like the song goes... 
"its only words...and words are all I have to steal your heart away"... 

If the Bible is correct...there will be no marrying in Heaven...this logic flies in the face of all who think that they will still be married to so and so when they get to Heaven...but the word of God says that is not the case... 

So it started me thinking rather abstractly that the time that we are alive in this life is the only shot we will ever have towards romantic love...and maybe thats why it seems to be such a big deal here on earth...whether is be songs, books, poems, or movies...a lot of people spend a great deal of time wanting for romantic love...and maybe they pursue it so relentlessly...because maybe we are wired with the understanding that here...right now while we live...that this is the only shot we will get at finding that type of love... 

In Heaven we will have God's love...and brother and sisterly love...but the ability to be romanitically sweet on people may not be a part of our existance... 

I often wondered why I was such a gush and a sap if I caught wind of someone being in love with me...or why I fancied that I could not go years with out fancying myself in love...and maybe this is why... 

I fell in love once as a child...that cool chemical, weak in the knees, have a hard time catching your breath around that person kind of love...and I was very young...in fact too young to be equipped enough to know what to do with it...or about it...I never said a word...well okay maybe years later...but where was the adventure in that...? lol 

It never went away...it changed in time...it ebbed and flowed...and had the opportunity ever presented itself it most likely could have bloomed properly...but that never happened...he later became my brother-in-law...I married his very violent, hot-headed brother in 1984. 

And at almost every point that I ever opened up my heart to another possibility...well...it was only because I was so alone in my cowardice about that first love...and so resigned in the fact that I would never do anything about it...that I figured might as well not be lonely in the process... 

And while I can fault so and so for not ever doing this or doing that in whichever of my relationships I chose to ponder...the harshest form of reality was I was settling for those other people because I was to scared to speak my heart. 

Of course to my credit...I was prime to be lacking in confidence...and I suffered horribly because of it through the years...but I should have liked myself a great deal more had I either spoke of it years ago and let the chips fall where they might have...or better still not have talked myself into the parade of other people who followed... 

I was in love with someone else...so I should have been true to myself in so much that I should not have opened up myself to those other relationships...and why? Because in the end they all ended...and tragically to boot. 

So I shout from the roof tops of what is now my somewhat damaged heart...and I say to those that were once young like I was...when you love...say so...risk...even if you risk and fail...it is so much better that neglecting it and allowing it to get trampled by life. 

A clean break heals so much better and stronger than something completely ripped to shreads... 

So my apologies to those that I talked myself into loving...it wasn't true...it was like that excellent Air Supply song..."Making Love out of Nothing at all"... 

And in retrospect I raise a toast to each of you and say...are you very sure that you were not doing the same thing...because some of you were not very respectful or nice...and if you are going to at least attempt love you could start with respectful and nice at least...lol...but mostly I apologize to you...I should not have been where my heart never really was...and I should not have participated at all unless my heart was fully engaged. 

So time to mend..time to heal..time to forgive...one and all... 

And in the end words are all we have to build anything in this life... 

mma




If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).





Born to unusual, but nice, parents, Michelle/Shelby grew up rather uneventfully, living mainly in the deep south (Alabama). Later she would learn that it was her parents' love for her that not only brought them together, but had kept them together. And so life was ideal in many respects and distressing in others. Eventually though the family did scatter like leaves on an autumn morning. Fortunately she was able to extract a sincere appreciation for love, beauty, and an abiding respect for those who at least try.

The single greatest influence in her life was the remarkable time spent with her paternal grandmother;  it was under this influence that she thrived. Her grandmother introduced her to not only fine Literature, but also the Arts and the Opera. And it was beloved grandmother who told her that if she wanted to be a great writer she must first learn to be an avid reader.

Early adult life would be peppered with indecision, failings, and the haunting of things not learned in childhood. But as is the case with most sincere artist, out of the angst of life came a great capacity for creativity.

Shelby considers her writing a gift...a joy, a tremendous responsibility, and something that helps to define her life.
Ms. Anderson is a graduate of Oregon State University; and is also currently working on a master's degree.

She lives in very picturesque Central Oregon with her two children. 


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