Tuesday, July 14, 2015

What I have learned

It wasn't them, it was me. Well, not wholly me.
But if I wasn't impaired, insecure and otherwise emotionally damaged, I might not have endured bs, for the sake of being in love.
I didn't realize how off the mark I must have been, to have kept attracting men with blatant character flaws.
Self respect is not innate, it is taught. I wasn't taught it, so how would I have learned? I have no idea.
Maybe it is all academic. 
Maybe I can read all about self esteem on line or in a library, but it still  never settles in, never becomes tangible. Some of us will only learn the hard way.  

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Overcoming 1

Despite living through multiple abusive situations, I would like to think I am about hope, and about reaching back to help others. 

What is it that makes some people prone to being abused, and some not?
Are those who are abused more than once, or by more than one person, somehow inherently flawed, or deserving of abuse? 

I am not sure that is a valid point to make. 
Because aren't all people worthy of being shown respect, worthy of not living in fear? 

I am what an abused person looks like, not a victim so much, but an overcomer. I am not so inherently flawed that I deserve to be treated badly.
It is sort of funny in a way, because counseling for abused people starts by teaching us to ask for help. I guess a lot of people have too much pride to ask for help. I don't have unhealthy pride like that. I know enough to know when I cannot handle everything.
But what about when help doesn't come?  Or when there is no one to ask for help?
The Old Testament, in proverbs, speaks about getting away from from abuse..."make no friendship with an angry man, and with a furious man thou shalt not go, lest you learn his ways and get a snare unto your soul."

I bet a lot of abused wives would have liked to claim that scripture and get away, rather than dying at the hands of their abusers. 

No one can sit in judgment of those who are abused; because until you have been there, you don't know what it is like, or what you would do. 

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Why do we do that?

Why do we do that?

We, being we women who have have multiple abusive relationships, enter in the relationships thinking the man will change.

A person is who they are. Only a person who desires change, and personal growth, will change. 

All of our hoping, cajoling, crying and subtle manipulation will not change character flaws in a man, nor in ourselves for that matter.
It is true that a man can make changes because of the love a good woman, but he has to want to change. If he doesn't want to change, all the love in the world will not register with him. 

Here is another question, that we may not want to ask ourselves, which is: what is lacking in ourselves, what need correction or change in us, that we keep picking "broken"?

Saturday, May 30, 2015

Being nailed...

So, I am supposed to feel badly about a lot of nonsense dumped on me by my family?
But I don't feel badly. Why? They weren't nice people. 

And then miracle of miracles, I find out they weren't even my family in the first place.I lived for nearly 50 years thinking one man was my father; and out of love and respect for him I put up with a lot of grief and rancor, that simply wasn't right. 

Finding out that they weren't my family, well, it was a very good day.

Deep breath.

Not everyone gets that kind of closure on their pain. 
I am grateful.

God was good to put an end to all of it once and for all. 

I am thankful that I have found my Dad, and that he loves me. 

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Bum Magnet, Revisited.

So can woman really be a Bum Magnet? Or is Bum Magnet just a quote from the movie "Pretty Woman"?

As a recovering bum magnet, I say, yes, it is possible to only attract the lost, broken and dysfunctional. Others may find you attractive and intriguing, but they will never let you get close, because you lack proper boundaries.

It may sound harsh to say their brokenness could be about you, but it is. At least it was for me.

I had been so profoundly hurt that I had to put a barrier around me to shield myself from pain and vulnerability. But in this case a boundary, is not the same as a barrier. Boundaries are about self-respect, respect for others and care. Barriers are usually rough, crusty, jagged things that impede communication and vulnerability. And when someone tries to cross the barrier to care for us, i n a respectful manner, beat proverbially and psychologically beat the hell out of them, for revealing our pain. And we become more and more dysfunctional.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Bum Magnet

I am seriously considering changing the Blog's name to Bum Magnet. That's partly tongue n' cheek, but only partly, because I am a rehabilitating Bum Magnet.

See it wasn't just about attracting bums, as much as it is about what was dysfunctional about me that I kept attracting bums; or at least until recently.

More to follow...