The Legacy of Co-dependence

Born to unusual, but nice, parents, Michelle/Shelby grew up rather uneventfully, living mainly in the deep south (Alabama). Later she would learn that it was her parents' love for her that not only brought them together, but had kept them together. And so life was ideal in many respects and distressing in others. Eventually though the family did scatter like leaves on an autumn morning. Fortunately she was able to extract a sincere appreciation for love, beauty, and an abiding respect for those who at least try.

The single greatest influence in her life was the remarkable time spent with her paternal grandmother;  it was under this influence that she thrived. Her grandmother introduced her to not only fine Literature, but also the Arts and the Opera. And it was beloved grandmother who told her that if she wanted to be a great writer she must first learn to be an avid reader.

Early adult life would be peppered with indecision, failings, and the haunting of things not learned in childhood. But as is the case with most sincere artist, out of the angst of life came a great capacity for creativity.

Shelby considers her writing a gift...a joy, a tremendous responsibility, and something that helps to define her life.

Ms. Anderson is a graduate of Oregon State University; and is also currently working on a master's degree.

She lives in very picturesque Central Oregon with her two children. 

Buy Now at Barnes and Noble!!!

Purchase Here!!! Tate Publishing

Order on Amazon!!!

Available through Parable Christian Bookstores

Buy at Powell's in Portland / Local Author

(Also being marketed in Internationally in countries like Japan, Sweden, Finland, Germany...!!!)

A portion of the proceeds from novel help support local women's shelters

If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Michelle aka Shelby Anderson Facebook Page

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The Legacy of Codependence http://www.thebridgetorecovery.com When I first heard the term codependence a few years ago, I couldn’t figure out what it meant. Was it just a buzz word, a fad? Was it the invention of pop psychologists or a convenient marketing tool for the mental health care industry? My confusion was underlined by the fact that every expert I consulted had a different definition. One said codependence was preoccupation with other people and their problems in an attempt to get one’s own unmet emotional needs satisfied. Another suggested that it was a pattern of painful dependence on people and on approval to find meaning, identity, and value. Another expert described codependence as a disease of relationships in which the real problem was one’s relationship with one’s self! The most creative description I came across was this one: codependence is about growing up depending on someone who’s depending on something that’s not dependable. This could include anything from abusing alcohol and drugs to compulsive overworking, overeating, and overdoing almost anything. An example would be the child left in the car for one or more hours, enduring heat or cold, while his/her parents are working in the office. Today, I use this simple, generic definition of codependence: “Codependence is the pain in adulthood that comes from being wounded in childhood, which leads to a high probability of relationship problems and addictive disorders in later life.” At the Bridge part of our focus is on the emotional deficits that develop when children grow up in painful circumstances. Children of addiction, neglect, and abuse acquire social and emotional habits that turn on them in adulthood. Survival behaviors such as compulsive caretaking, martyring, door matting, scapegoating, controlling, people-pleasing, and approval-seeking are classic examples. One of the negative emotional habits that codependents develop is categorical thinking. Everything is black and white with no shades in between. This always/never way of thinking leads them to over-react in social situations. Roger, for example, heard that some of the members of his Sunday school class were dissatisfied with his teaching methods. Instead of consulting with them on how to make the class more meaningful, he resigned and joined another class. Another childlike behavior of codependents is personalization – interpreting everything that is said and done in their immediate environment as if it were directed at them. This creates a paranoid perspective, which leads to defensiveness, hostility, and isolation. At a meeting with his prayer group, Mark questioned the unwitting use of sexist language that had begun to occur. Another member of the group, realizing that he was guilty, assumed that Mark was chiding him personally. He took offense and dropped out of the group. A third habit many codependents acquire is what I call obsessive over-analyzing. The mind goes round and round in circles until the emotional system either explodes or shuts down as a result of the overwhelming anxiety that is generated. Another emotional habit typical of codependents is exaggerating or “awfulizing”. Children who have grown up in addictive or traumatized family systems learn to expect the worst. They are constantly waiting for the other shoe to fall. In adulthood, they are prone to place the worst possible interpretation on every event. They see neutral or even positive situations as negative, and they anticipate disaster. This expectation often sets off an emotional chain reaction that creates the very thing they most fear. People who are “stuck” in these immature emotional habits consider them normal. They don’t know any other way to think/believe/behave. Such individuals are not at fault! They need gentle and respectful guidance.

Slapping Revisited

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(Also being marketed in Internationally in countries like Japan, Sweden, Finland, Germany...!!!)

A portion of the proceeds from novel help support local women's shelters

I was sitting there watching "The Help" and I could barely contain myself. And I realized that that project for her was the same as this one is for me.

I do not go over having been abused because I want to live in the past. I go over it so that someone living in it now will be encouraged. Not every women who is slapped, raped, beaten or punched will leave; but the point is that some of them should. Some will die if they do not.

The dynamic between men and women can sometimes be a powers struggle. And in that light things can turn violent. And it is not that women are without some measure of guilt in things when they escalate. But people can walk away, agree to disagree...or even come back later and resume things. In an abusive situations one or both parties forget the rules, forget their coping mechanisms...in essence they forget to fight fair.

I do not live in the past. It has been many years since I have been abused. But it can still anger me, emote a response from me...leave me overwhelmed. I am not now, nor was I then a victim; or at least not helpless victim. I can yell for help, I can cry, I can call the police. And I can sit down to write a blog like this. A forum that says that its is not OK to hit, beat , rape or forcibly hurt another person. Words are powerful; and I have the God-given ability to string words together in ways that can help, inspire and rally other people.

I wrote a book about coming up out of more than one abusive situation. Its called "The House that Silence Bought". I joked with someone today that maybe one of the reasons I survived abuse was because God knew that I would one day go back and try to reach back for others who were still in the storm. It was a joke when I first thought to say it; and then as I was saying it, it became reality. That was, in fact, the reason I had lived through anything.

I am here. As I sit to write this I have only 5 followers; but one day that number will grow. Once day not beating the hell out of people will matter to us as culture.

Not all of you who survive abuse will feel led to reach back. That's OK. Sometimes just getting out is all we can muster. Be happy that you got out; that no one still treats you like a dog. Be happy that the choices you make from now on are yours; and not at the whim of an angry, maladjusted person who has no coping skills themselves.

I want to one day coin the phrase "highly functioning, dysfunctional people"...but it has been my experience that I, and most people I know, are exactly that. Much like some families are only 3-6 paychecks away from poverty, I believe that a lot of people are only a couple of emotional hurts away from not being able to cope in life... especially if those hurts happen back to back and without mercy. We act tough. we act like we have it all together. But that cannot be true of most of us; otherwise our lives would not be littered with addictions, like drugs, alcohol, sex, relationships, shopping, gambling...etc..., that we use to help bandage up our faulty coping mechanisms.

I am here. I am happy to be as bold and tenacious as I am; otherwise I would have fade away into the woodwork the very first time I was was slapped, punched or raped.

Let me know how you are doing.

Sincerely, 

Michelle aka  Shelby Anderson

If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Born to unusual, but nice, parents, Michelle/Shelby grew up rather uneventfully, living mainly in the deep south (Alabama). Later she would learn that it was her parents' love for her that not only brought them together, but had kept them together. And so life was ideal in many respects and distressing in others. Eventually though the family did scatter like leaves on an autumn morning. Fortunately she was able to extract a sincere appreciation for love, beauty, and an abiding respect for those who at least try.

The single greatest influence in her life was the remarkable time spent with her paternal grandmother;  it was under this influence that she thrived. Her grandmother introduced her to not only fine Literature, but also the Arts and the Opera. And it was beloved grandmother who told her that if she wanted to be a great writer she must first learn to be an avid reader.

Early adult life would be peppered with indecision, failings, and the haunting of things not learned in childhood. But as is the case with most sincere artist, out of the angst of life came a great capacity for creativity.

Shelby considers her writing a gift...a joy, a tremendous responsibility, and something that helps to define her life.

Ms. Anderson is a graduate of Oregon State University; and is also currently working on a master's degree.

She lives in very picturesque Central Oregon with her two children. 

Speaking Engagements

"The House that Silence Bought" can be ordered at any major bookstore or online website...including on Amazon, Tate Publishing online...and Ingram Book Company/Distributors for local retail ordering...ask for "The House that Silence Bought",  beginning February 2012!!!

Buy Now at Barnes and Noble!!!

Purchase Here!!! Tate Publishing

Order on Amazon!!!

Available through Parable Christian Bookstores

Buy at Powell's in Portland / Local Author

(Also being marketed in Internationally in countries like Japan, Sweden, Finland, Germany...!!!)

A portion of the proceeds from novel help support local women's shelters

So how do you give back once you have survived an abusive situation and you are doing better?
My first male/female relationship was abusive. And it set the tome for my other relationships. I did very little in the way of counseling, growing or healing in that first experience, so more than a few of the relationships that followed were equally as destructive.
My problems was that I was so insecure that my entire concept of who I was based on what others thought of me. If they thought well then I could could function; but if they did not I was stymied. Looking to those who should love you unconditionally to love you is normal and healthy; having them not love or support you is not normal.
But regardless of how my problems got to be my problems; they were in fact my problems. The untangling part came in not only figure out how I got that way; but trying to re-parent everything that I didn't know was broken.

Some of the things that worked for me was therapy, a relationship with God, becoming brutally honest, attempting to become assertive, reading self help books, and writing.

That's why this novel is so important to me. I have been writing since I was 11...always wanted to be a published author. I have written other great novels. But this was about what me, Judah and Jordan overcame. It was painful to write, because it had been excruciating to live.

I am available to speak at you Church, Women's or Recovery group. Please contact me, Michelle aka Shelby Anderson at shocking_pink_7@hotmail.com.

Not every women/person that overcomes will have the desire to reach back. Coming up out of an abusive situation is difficult enough that they may not want to re-trace their steps. And here is the sobering thought, some will not overcome at all; they dies in their mire. They don't get to overcome. I met women in shelters who are now dead. And my son almost died. Life can be tragically short.

This novel is for them, as much as it for you...as much as it for us.

So even if I was afraid to speak in public I would do it. I would do it for my kids. I would do it for women who have been in my shoes.  I wouldn't have known when machines were keeping Jordan alive, that I would one day feel this way; that I would one day welcome the chance to share in front of others the nightmare that I thought we would never overcome.

But more than just spouting off about our tragic little story, I want to here about you. Of course, I only want you to share if you are in a safe place to do so. If your abuser can watch over your shoulder, track your internet searches...or things like that...then don't share...don't put yourself in a precarious position on purpose. Safety is job one in the life of someone who is afraid.

My novel describes not being able to count on people in life, especially when the chips are down. Maybe you can relate. But the truth is, we are all alone in this world, even in functioning families. Ultimately our choices will fall to us. and if we find ourselves in the middle of a mistake, our getting out will fall to us. That's scary to say, scary to realize and very scary to live. Family, friends and support groups can only go so far...it is nice if they are there...but in the end if you have to get out, get out even if you do not have anyone supporting you. It is that important!

Let me know how you are doing.

Michelle

If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Born to unusual, but nice, parents, Michelle/Shelby grew up rather uneventfully, living mainly in the deep south (Alabama). Later she would learn that it was her parents' love for her that not only brought them together, but had kept them together. And so life was ideal in many respects and distressing in others. Eventually though the family did scatter like leaves on an autumn morning. Fortunately she was able to extract a sincere appreciation for love, beauty, and an abiding respect for those who at least try.

The single greatest influence in her life was the remarkable time spent with her paternal grandmother;  it was under this influence that she thrived. Her grandmother introduced her to not only fine Literature, but also the Arts and the Opera. And it was beloved grandmother who told her that if she wanted to be a great writer she must first learn to be an avid reader.

Early adult life would be peppered with indecision, failings, and the haunting of things not learned in childhood. But as is the case with most sincere artist, out of the angst of life came a great capacity for creativity.

Shelby considers her writing a gift...a joy, a tremendous responsibility, and something that helps to define her life.

Ms. Anderson is a graduate of Oregon State University; and is also currently working on a master's degree.

She lives in very picturesque Central Oregon with her two children. 

Order..."The House that Silence Bought" online

Where to buy "The House that Silence Bought"

Buy Now at Barnes and Noble!!!

Purchase Here!!! Tate Publishing

Order on Amazon!!!

Available through Parable Christian Bookstores

Buy at Powell's in Portland / Local Author

(Also being marketed in Internationally in countries like Japan, Sweden, Finland, Germany...!!!)

A portion of the proceeds from novel help support local women's shelters

If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Born to unusual, but nice, parents, Michelle/Shelby grew up rather uneventfully, living mainly in the deep south (Alabama). Later she would learn that it was her parents' love for her that not only brought them together, but had kept them together. And so life was ideal in many respects and distressing in others. Eventually though the family did scatter like leaves on an autumn morning. Fortunately she was able to extract a sincere appreciation for love, beauty, and an abiding respect for those who at least try.

The single greatest influence in her life was the remarkable time spent with her paternal grandmother;  it was under this influence that she thrived. Her grandmother introduced her to not only fine Literature, but also the Arts and the Opera. And it was beloved grandmother who told her that if she wanted to be a great writer she must first learn to be an avid reader.

Early adult life would be peppered with indecision, failings, and the haunting of things not learned in childhood. But as is the case with most sincere artist, out of the angst of life came a great capacity for creativity.

Shelby considers her writing a gift...a joy, a tremendous responsibility, and something that helps to define her life.

Ms. Anderson is a graduate of Oregon State University; and is also currently working on a master's degree.

She lives in very picturesque Central Oregon with her two children. 

The Hand Dealt

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Purchase Here!!! Tate Publishing

Order on Amazon!!!

Available through Parable Christian Bookstores

Buy at Powell's in Portland / Local Author

(Also being marketed in Internationally in countries like Japan, Sweden, Finland, Germany...!!!)

A portion of the proceeds from novel help support local women's shelters

If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

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What would you do if your daughter came over one day and shared with you that she had been raped?
Would it matter to you who had violated her? Or how many times?
Would you listen to her tears, crying and heart?
Would you get lost in the details? Or simply let her talk, cry and share...consoling and encouraging where you could?
Would it matter to you her age?
Take a moment and put yourself in this very confining and uncomfortable position. And then take another moment to realize that if this has happened to your daughter, your friend...to anyone you know that takes the time and asks to share it with you...would you be doing them a disservice or injury if you didnt listen to them at all?
It is a humiliating experience to have someone impose their will on you physically. A lot of women do not share because of the shame they feel.
But should there be shame?
If they had been in a car accident, or gotten a bad prognosis from a doctor...well, there would be no shame in that.
How then is it then that shame is assigned to forcible rape?
Perhaps we have made strides in our culture over the last 200 or so years; but have we really in regards to how we as a society deal with rape?
A woman being raped screams internally for her attack to be over...she wants her attacker dead...she wants to die herself...she wants to vomit...she wants to beat something up in order to combat her sense of helplessness...
And for most the memory of the attack does not leave...it can shift...it can be put through the test of time and forgiveness...but rarely is it completely erradicated...
And perhaps what is most frustrating, foolish and useless is to have someone who has never been violated in that way try to tell us how we should feel...and how we should process the experience. It cannot be done.
But if women cannot even tell their own families, then how do we learn as a society to talk about it more freely?
Have someone completely take away your choice in the matter...and hurt you physically and emotionally in the process...and then advise me or others on how to feel, how to cope...how to deal.

Talking openly is shield of sorts...not that it cannot ever happen again...but that it doesn't have to keep you helpless...

So if your daughter ever comes to you and tries to share about such an experience...listen...one time or a hundred times...because if her feelings are not validated by someone she trusts, it is very much like being raped all over again...

Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but of playing a poor hand, well ~
Robert Louis Stevenson

Let me know how you are doing.

Michelle

If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Born to unusual, but nice, parents, Michelle/Shelby grew up rather uneventfully, living mainly in the deep south (Alabama). Later she would learn that it was her parents' love for her that not only brought them together, but had kept them together. And so life was ideal in many respects and distressing in others. Eventually though the family did scatter like leaves on an autumn morning. Fortunately she was able to extract a sincere appreciation for love, beauty, and an abiding respect for those who at least try.

The single greatest influence in her life was the remarkable time spent with her paternal grandmother;  it was under this influence that she thrived. Her grandmother introduced her to not only fine Literature, but also the Arts and the Opera. And it was beloved grandmother who told her that if she wanted to be a great writer she must first learn to be an avid reader.

Early adult life would be peppered with indecision, failings, and the haunting of things not learned in childhood. But as is the case with most sincere artist, out of the angst of life came a great capacity for creativity.

Shelby considers her writing a gift...a joy, a tremendous responsibility, and something that helps to define her life.

Ms. Anderson is a graduate of Oregon State University; and is also currently working on a master's degree.

She lives in very picturesque Central Oregon with her two children. 

Excerpt from "The House that Silence Bought"

..."Though a crucial part of this story has to do with the events of

an actual abuse case, the greater portion has to do with the backstory        
and the scandalous disclosures that surfaced later. There is a
chance that if my son had never been injured many of these dysfunctions
would have never come to the surface. In life, when people
know who they are and who they can trust, they develop confidence
and good judgment. If they do not have those things, they tend
to become destabilized and flawed. In my life, there was always
this churning cloud of mystery, doubt, and deception. Shedding
light upon those dark places was both scary and uncomfortable, and
yet it was very much worth the effort. The journey depicted here
was laden with unfathomable sorrow and dejection, but also with
great love and courage. Every person has a presence, or an influence,
with which they can make their existence known in the world.
Providing this account gives my son, Jordan, that chance. Some
time ago, my children and I faced an appalling tragedy. During this
time, and on more than one occasion, we were given sanctuary and
hope at Penelope House in Mobile, Alabama. We are appreciative
for the encouragement, assistance, and counseling received as part
of our case management. They also made referrals for us at other
local agencies that provided needed support and resources. When
it seemed that very few people could be bothered with us, the staff
was there showing an unending supply of compassion and respect..."


Let me know how you are doing.

Michelle

Purchase Here!!! Tate Publishing

Order on Amazon!!!

Available through Parable Christian Bookstores

Buy at Powell's in Portland / Local Author

(Also being marketed in Internationally in countries like Japan, Sweden, Finland, Germany...!!!)

A portion of the proceeds from novel help support local women's shelters

If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Born to unusual, but nice, parents, Michelle/Shelby grew up rather uneventfully, living mainly in the deep south (Alabama). Later she would learn that it was her parents' love for her that not only brought them together, but had kept them together. And so life was ideal in many respects and distressing in others. Eventually though the family did scatter like leaves on an autumn morning. Fortunately she was able to extract a sincere appreciation for love, beauty, and an abiding respect for those who at least try.

The single greatest influence in her life was the remarkable time spent with her paternal grandmother;  it was under this influence that she thrived. Her grandmother introduced her to not only fine Literature, but also the Arts and the Opera. And it was beloved grandmother who told her that if she wanted to be a great writer she must first learn to be an avid reader.

Early adult life would be peppered with indecision, failings, and the haunting of things not learned in childhood. But as is the case with most sincere artist, out of the angst of life came a great capacity for creativity.

Shelby considers her writing a gift...a joy, a tremendous responsibility, and something that helps to define her life.

Ms. Anderson is a graduate of Oregon State University; and is also currently working on a master's degree.

She lives in very picturesque Central Oregon with her two children. 

...On the Bright Side...

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Born to unusual, but nice, parents, Michelle/Shelby grew up rather uneventfully, living mainly in the deep south (Alabama). Later she would learn that it was her parents' love for her that not only brought them together, but had kept them together. And so life was ideal in many respects and distressing in others. Eventually though the family did scatter like leaves on an autumn morning. Fortunately she was able to extract a sincere appreciation for love, beauty, and an abiding respect for those who at least try.

The single greatest influence in her life was the remarkable time spent with her paternal grandmother;  it was under this influence that she thrived. Her grandmother introduced her to not only fine Literature, but also the Arts and the Opera. And it was beloved grandmother who told her that if she wanted to be a great writer she must first learn to be an avid reader.

Early adult life would be peppered with indecision, failings, and the haunting of things not learned in childhood. But as is the case with most sincere artist, out of the angst of life came a great capacity for creativity.

Shelby considers her writing a gift...a joy, a tremendous responsibility, and something that helps to define her life.

Ms. Anderson is a graduate of Oregon State University; and is also currently working on a master's degree.

She lives in very picturesque Central Oregon with her two children. 

I get criticized sometimes for living in the past because I talk openly about abuse. But it is not true. I live right now in 1987...ha! just kidding I know its the 90's already... ha, again...lol

Seriously speaking I live in the now of 2012. I have two wonderful kids. I work part-time. I write this somewhat useful blog. And I have a novel out...called "The House that Silence Bought".

But this blog is meant for those who are in the trenches, right now...and in order to let them know that I feel their pain...I have to dig deep and share the most uncomfortable parts of my past...and I don't mind. I don't mind because rarely a week goes by when someone doesn't stop and thank me for being bold, courageous and available. And that is a very good thing. Think if I hadn't survived. Think if I had given up. Think if I was still in the trenches.

I have a bright side...in fact I get a lot of criticism for being too bubbly, to optimistic...and irritatingly happy...I can't help it...even as fierce as life was in the trenches it didn't beat it out of me...yeah!!!

Maybe it was because I was such a polly-do-gooder that I attracted mean guys...ha...that is funny and wrong...I attracted broke, mainly because I was broken and couldn't see it...let's see all the situations I can blame my brokenness on...my mom was mentally challenged, my parents divorced, my dad remarried, I was cast aside, my first marriage was abusive and it set the tone for all of my other relationships, I am too trusting, I am not trusting enough, I was sexualized too early, I was intense, overly sensitive and insecure as a child...naw...see none of things made me, broken...they made have helped facilitate brokenness...but there is nothing to blame it on except that I was in fact broken and had no clue about what to do about it.

And I was the worse kind of broken...the kind that thinks they are ok...the kind that thinks they are better than the alcoholic, drug addict, prostitute...when deep down my addictions were just a bit more socially acceptable than the normal bad habits that enslave us.

I got married as a form of addiction...when my dad remarried, I didn't fit in...not that first time in the chronicles of mankind that had happened...so I set out to marry and make my own damned family...only how on earth would I have known how to do that? Nada...I was incredibly bright, but I still didn't know diddly about building a healthy family life. So I went from bad relationship to worse relationship...never quite seeing what it was about me that kept attracting broken...and that is not to say that I deserved to be treated badly...its just I was only attracting guys who would treat me badly...ouch...and what a wake of destruction would follow...wow...

And my family? a lot of them not worth the ammunition to blast them across the street...some were ok...but mostly broken people themselves...and critical and judgmental...and mean spirited...so I did find it hard to fix myself when I really had no safe place to lick my wounds.

But I have figured some of it out...and what I have figured out is that you can re-parent yourself...you can rise above...and you can accomplish things you never thought possible.

Whatever it is that you didn't get from your parents...your childhood...your previous relationships...guess what...you can find a way to get it...to learn better...to chose better...heck, google it if you have to...because the information is out there...on how to overcome insecurity, on how to put up better, healthier emotional boundaries...on how to cook...on how to balance a checkbook...whatever it is that can fill the void...find it...take a class...sit through a seminar...do the work...become the person you want to be...and rather than being left for dead by those who abuse you...forsake you...and cast you aside...be the exception...be the beacon that beckons others who are broken too.


Let me know how you are doing.

Michelle

Purchase Here!!! Tate Publishing

Order on Amazon!!!

Available through Parable Christian Bookstores

Buy at Powell's in Portland / Local Author

(Also being marketed in Internationally in countries like Japan, Sweden, Finland, Germany...!!!)

A portion of the proceeds from novel help support local women's shelters

If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Boldness, Rape and other Inconveniences...

Purchase Here!!! Tate Publishing

Order on Amazon!!!

Available through Parable Christian Bookstores

Buy at Powell's in Portland / Local Author

(Also being marketed in Internationally in countries like Japan, Sweden, Finland, Germany...!!!)

A portion of the proceeds from novel help support local women's shelters

If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

So I am fairly bold about what I share here. why? Because what would have been the point of enduring a hardship if you cannot reach out and help someone else who now sits in crisis?
I also run a blog regarding abuse... empoweringwomen88.blogspot.com
So what is on my mind tonight? Rape...why? mainly because it bites...and I have been there. And people who have been raped and felt they couldn't open up about it, need a forum to openly share.
My parents are social and friendly with a man who raped me. How is that supposed to make me feel? It is not bad enough to have someone exert power over you...leaving you to feel helpless, shamed and wounded...but to have him be a good ol' boy who everyone seems to like, well, that bites.
First we have to get into the gnarly aspects of defining rape...because 200 years ago it was thought to be impossible for a husband to rape his own wife...after all she wasn't much more than property...but today she is not thought of as property...she is a human...who, even in God's eyes, has free will...and I am not suggesting that shrews who withhold sex as a form of mental abuse to lord over their husbands are any better...but that wasn't my case.
On average we had sex at least once to twice a week. So I wasn't withholding. And within the framework of the first 2 years of my marriage I enjoyed sex with him. But then it started to be about only gratifying him. It started to feel like rape, even long before he took advantage. I have no idea if he was raped or abused as a child...it stands to reason that he probably was...when a person sees others as merely objects designed to service them, abuse is usually the culprit. But being abused as a child...or being sexualized too early...is still not an excuse...because we also live in a society where we can get therapy...we can get treatment...we can flush old tapes and re-write our emotional hard drives as needed...so it isn't merely a question of him being abused and acting out...it is a question of him not getting help as a grown person and then inflicting his bent, selfish will upon me...and honestly on other females as well.
At this sitting I do not know if he has gotten help. If he has yeah!!! but doesn't it stand to reason that if he had he would somewhere deep inside feel as though he owes me an apology of some sort for violating me?
Yeah...except he doesn't.
In fact he low rates me at every opportunity. He tells people I am crazy, supposedly just like my mother...yet sadly my mother has nothing to do with his abusive nature.
But what always amazes me is that he is a friend of my dad and step-mother's. I am am the butt of jokes and put downs because they are friends. Does my family want to acknowledge him as abusive...or as ever having been abusive? Nope...in their eyes he is just that famous good ol' boy.
This is so painful...the drive you too drink and do drugs kind of pain...the scream your head off because its insane kind of pain...the what in the hell is wrong with my family kind of pain.
Denial is a tool that is only supposed to be used for a short while until our real coping skills kick in...in my family denial is on overload...because 20 plus years is not a short while.
So to those of you who have been raped...either by a stranger, by a friend or even by a husband, I understand. Rape is about control. Rape bends and twists its victims. Fortunately we do not have to stay victims. We can post, we can blog...and we can be bold about what we faced...hopefully so that when others read it they know they can raise about their situations as well.
I used to cry into my pillow when he would touch me; I felt like someone else, namely his mother, was in bed with us; and if I said "no" I would be coerced, not romanced or seduced, but just coerced; and if I dared to pretend I was sick or asleep, well, he would take it...and controlling another person with fear, intimidation or violence is...rape...taking someone against their will is rape.
Did I mention I share two incredible kids with this man? Bites for me...and them.

So family ...you are breaking bread with, and thinking the world of... someone who raped me...what on earth do you want me to think of you...for not wanting to hear about it...not wanting to face it...and not doing anything to support me???
Only God can offer the kind of forgiveness needed to ever have anything to do with either of you this side of heaven.


Let me know how you are doing.

Michelle

If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Born to unusual, but nice, parents, Michelle/Shelby grew up rather uneventfully, living mainly in the deep south (Alabama). Later she would learn that it was her parents' love for her that not only brought them together, but had kept them together. And so life was ideal in many respects and distressing in others. Eventually though the family did scatter like leaves on an autumn morning. Fortunately she was able to extract a sincere appreciation for love, beauty, and an abiding respect for those who at least try.

The single greatest influence in her life was the remarkable time spent with her paternal grandmother;  it was under this influence that she thrived. Her grandmother introduced her to not only fine Literature, but also the Arts and the Opera. And it was beloved grandmother who told her that if she wanted to be a great writer she must first learn to be an avid reader.

Early adult life would be peppered with indecision, failings, and the haunting of things not learned in childhood. But as is the case with most sincere artist, out of the angst of life came a great capacity for creativity.

Shelby considers her writing a gift...a joy, a tremendous responsibility, and something that helps to define her life.

Ms. Anderson is a graduate of Oregon State University; and is also currently working on a master's degree.

She lives in very picturesque Central Oregon with her two children.