The Legacy of Co-dependence

Born to unusual, but nice, parents, Michelle/Shelby grew up rather uneventfully, living mainly in the deep south (Alabama). Later she would learn that it was her parents' love for her that not only brought them together, but had kept them together. And so life was ideal in many respects and distressing in others. Eventually though the family did scatter like leaves on an autumn morning. Fortunately she was able to extract a sincere appreciation for love, beauty, and an abiding respect for those who at least try.

The single greatest influence in her life was the remarkable time spent with her paternal grandmother;  it was under this influence that she thrived. Her grandmother introduced her to not only fine Literature, but also the Arts and the Opera. And it was beloved grandmother who told her that if she wanted to be a great writer she must first learn to be an avid reader.

Early adult life would be peppered with indecision, failings, and the haunting of things not learned in childhood. But as is the case with most sincere artist, out of the angst of life came a great capacity for creativity.

Shelby considers her writing a gift...a joy, a tremendous responsibility, and something that helps to define her life.

Ms. Anderson is a graduate of Oregon State University; and is also currently working on a master's degree.

She lives in very picturesque Central Oregon with her two children. 

Buy Now at Barnes and Noble!!!

Purchase Here!!! Tate Publishing

Order on Amazon!!!

Available through Parable Christian Bookstores

Buy at Powell's in Portland / Local Author

(Also being marketed in Internationally in countries like Japan, Sweden, Finland, Germany...!!!)

A portion of the proceeds from novel help support local women's shelters

If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Michelle aka Shelby Anderson Facebook Page

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The Legacy of Codependence http://www.thebridgetorecovery.com When I first heard the term codependence a few years ago, I couldn’t figure out what it meant. Was it just a buzz word, a fad? Was it the invention of pop psychologists or a convenient marketing tool for the mental health care industry? My confusion was underlined by the fact that every expert I consulted had a different definition. One said codependence was preoccupation with other people and their problems in an attempt to get one’s own unmet emotional needs satisfied. Another suggested that it was a pattern of painful dependence on people and on approval to find meaning, identity, and value. Another expert described codependence as a disease of relationships in which the real problem was one’s relationship with one’s self! The most creative description I came across was this one: codependence is about growing up depending on someone who’s depending on something that’s not dependable. This could include anything from abusing alcohol and drugs to compulsive overworking, overeating, and overdoing almost anything. An example would be the child left in the car for one or more hours, enduring heat or cold, while his/her parents are working in the office. Today, I use this simple, generic definition of codependence: “Codependence is the pain in adulthood that comes from being wounded in childhood, which leads to a high probability of relationship problems and addictive disorders in later life.” At the Bridge part of our focus is on the emotional deficits that develop when children grow up in painful circumstances. Children of addiction, neglect, and abuse acquire social and emotional habits that turn on them in adulthood. Survival behaviors such as compulsive caretaking, martyring, door matting, scapegoating, controlling, people-pleasing, and approval-seeking are classic examples. One of the negative emotional habits that codependents develop is categorical thinking. Everything is black and white with no shades in between. This always/never way of thinking leads them to over-react in social situations. Roger, for example, heard that some of the members of his Sunday school class were dissatisfied with his teaching methods. Instead of consulting with them on how to make the class more meaningful, he resigned and joined another class. Another childlike behavior of codependents is personalization – interpreting everything that is said and done in their immediate environment as if it were directed at them. This creates a paranoid perspective, which leads to defensiveness, hostility, and isolation. At a meeting with his prayer group, Mark questioned the unwitting use of sexist language that had begun to occur. Another member of the group, realizing that he was guilty, assumed that Mark was chiding him personally. He took offense and dropped out of the group. A third habit many codependents acquire is what I call obsessive over-analyzing. The mind goes round and round in circles until the emotional system either explodes or shuts down as a result of the overwhelming anxiety that is generated. Another emotional habit typical of codependents is exaggerating or “awfulizing”. Children who have grown up in addictive or traumatized family systems learn to expect the worst. They are constantly waiting for the other shoe to fall. In adulthood, they are prone to place the worst possible interpretation on every event. They see neutral or even positive situations as negative, and they anticipate disaster. This expectation often sets off an emotional chain reaction that creates the very thing they most fear. People who are “stuck” in these immature emotional habits consider them normal. They don’t know any other way to think/believe/behave. Such individuals are not at fault! They need gentle and respectful guidance.

Obsessive-compulsive disorder, better known as OCD.

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Free self-help for those with obsessive-compulsive disorder, better known as OCD.

Sometimes people who have survived abuse, especially repeated abuse may have tendencies for OCD behaviors. Here are some fairly recent facts to consider. There is hope.

From the website: http://anxieties.com/ocd.php/

Obsessions are repetitive, unproductive thoughts that almost all of us have experienced from time to time. We can be driving down the road, ten minutes from home, heading for a week's vacation. Suddenly the thought enters our mind, "Did I unplug the iron after I finished with that shirt?" Then we think, "I must have...but I don't know, I was rushing around so at the last minute. Did I reach down and pull the cord out of the socket? I can't remember. Was the iron light still on as I walked out the door? No, it was off. Was it? I can't leave it on all week; the house will burn down. This is ridiculous!" Eventually we either turn around and head home to check as the only way to feel relieved, or we convince ourselves that we did indeed take care of the task.

This is an example of what can take place inside the mind of any of us when worrying about a particular problem. Obsessive-compulsive disorder, however, is much more serious. In the mind of the person with obsessive-compulsive disorder, this pattern of thought is exaggerated, highly distressing and persistent.

The second form of the problem is: compulsions: repetitive, unproductive behaviors that people engage in ritualistically. As with obsessive thoughts, there are a few compulsive behaviors in which the average person might engage. As children, we played with superstitions, such as never stepping on a sidewalk crack or turning away when a black cat crossed our path. Some of these persist as we become adults: may of us still never walk under a ladder.

Intense anxiety and even panic can come whenever the person attempts to stop the ritual. The tension and anxiety build to such an intense degree that he surrenders once again to the thoughts or behaviors. Unlike an alcoholic, who feels compelled to drink but also enjoys the drinking experience, the obsessive-compulsive person achieves relief through the ritual but no pleasure.

We have written a self-help book specifically for anyone suffering from OCD, titled Stop Obsessing! How to Overcome Obsessions and Compulsions, by Dr. Edna Foa and Dr. Reid Wilson (Bantam Books).

Common Features of Obsessions and Compulsions

There are seven common features of obsessions and compulsions. The first three are related to obsessions and worrying in general; the last four are for people who experience both obsessions and compulsions. Listen to which ones fit you.

(1) Your obsessions involve a concern with disastrous consequences. You are usually afraid that some harm will come to you or others. For instance, you'll forget to lock the doors of your house, and someone will break in and harm your family. Or you'll neglect to thoroughly wash your hands, and you'll develop some dreaded disease.

Some people have compulsions, and they don't have that sense of obsession. They don't really know what they're worried about. But usually you will get a sense of dread, like something terrible is going to happen.

(2) There are times when you know your obsessions are irrational. Some people believe their worries are accurate reflections of reality, and it's hard for them to get a perspective. But for most people there are times when you know that your worries are senseless. During good times, when you're not under stress, and you're not involved in your ritual or really worried, you can say, "This is crazy. This doesn't make any sense." You know that you're not really going to get sick if you fail to wash your hands five times. You don't really believe that your boss will humiliate you if you make one typing error. Nonetheless, when you start to worry, you believe those fearful thoughts.

(3) You try to resist your obsessions, but that only makes them worse. You want to get rid of these worries because they cause so much fear. But when you fight these thoughts it often makes them more intense.

This gives us a clue to one of the ways we can start to change this negative pattern. If resisting the thoughts makes them worse, what might help lessen them? ...Believe it or not, accepting your fearful thoughts will help lessen them! We'll talk more about acceptance in a few minutes.

(4) Compulsive rituals provide you temporary relief. Some people just worry, and they don't have compulsive rituals, so this one wouldn't fit them. But when people do use compulsions, they provide relief and restore a sense of relative safety, even if just for a little while.

(5) Your rituals usually involve specific sequences. This means that you often have a set pattern for how you wash, or check or count or think in order to be released from you distressing worries.

(6) You try to resist you compulsions too. If your compulsions are brief, and don't interfere with your daily living, then you can probably tolerate them. But if rituals are inconvenient and take a while to perform, then you probably try to avoid the rituals or to complete them as soon as possible.

(7) You seek out others to help with your rituals. Compulsions can be so distressing that you enlist the help of those close to you. You may ask family members to help count for you, or friends to check behind you, or your boss to please read over a letter before you seal it up.

These seven features should give you a better sense of your symptoms.

Causes

Until recently OCD was regarded as a rare condition, but studies now indicate that up to 3% of the population, or nearly 6 million Americans, will experience an obsessive-compulsive disorder at some point in their life. Symptoms tend to begin in the teen years, or in early adulthood. About one third of people with OCD showed the first signs of a problem inchildhood.

Men and women are equally likely to suffer from OCD, although men tend to show symptoms at an earlier age. Cleaning compulsions are more common in women, while men are more likely to be checkers.

No one can say for certain what causes obsessive-compulsive disorder. At one time researchers speculated that OCD resulted from family attitudes or childhood experiences, including harsh discipline by demanding parents. Recent evidence suggest that biological factors may contribute to the development of OCD. Some recent tests have found a high rate of OCD in people with Tourette's Syndrome, a disorder marked by muscle tics and uncontrollable blurting of sounds. Many researchers believe this suggests a linkage between OCD and brain disturbances.

There is a tendency for OCD to run in families, and many people with OCD also suffer from depression. The exact relationship between OCD and depression has not been established.

Treatment

There have been great strides in the treatment of OCD in recent years, and many people with the disorder report that their symptoms have beenbrought under control or eliminated. Traditional psychotherapy, which works by helping an individual analyze his problem, is generally of little value in OCD. But many people with OCD benefit from a form of behavior therapy in which they are gradually exposed to circumstances that trigger their compulsive behavior.

For example, a hand washer might be urged to touch an object she fears is contaminated, and then be discouraged from washing her hands for several hours. The goal is to eliminate or cut down on anxiety and compulsive behavior by convincing the individual with OCD that nothing will happen if she fails to perform the compulsive ritual.

Behavior therapy works best when the feared situation can be easily simulated. It is more difficult if the anxiety-producing situation is hard to create.

Medication can play a prominent role in the treatment of OCD, and is particularly helpful for patients who are bothered by obsessions.

In some cases family therapy can be a valuable supplement to behavior therapy. Family counseling sessions can help both the individual with OCD and his family by increasing understanding and establishing shared goals and expectations.

I cannot say I have been there. I can say "I am there". So I do understand.

Check in with me,

Michelle aka Shelby Anderson

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Purchase Here!!! Tate Publishing

Order from Amazon!!!

Order from Parable Christian Bookstores

Order from Powell's in Portland / Local Author

Also being marketed in Internationally in Japan, Sweden, Finland, Germany...!!!

Michelle aka Shelby Anderson on Facebook

Born to unusual, but nice, parents, Michelle/Shelby grew up rather uneventfully, living mainly in the deep south (Alabama). Later she would learn that it was her parents' love for her that not only brought them together, but had kept them together. And so life was ideal in many respects and distressing in others. Eventually though the family did scatter like leaves on an autumn morning. Fortunately she was able to extract a sincere appreciation for love, beauty, and an abiding respect for those who at least try.

The single greatest influence in her life was the remarkable time spent with her paternal grandmother;  it was under this influence that she thrived. Her grandmother introduced her to not only fine Literature, but also the Arts and the Opera. And it was beloved grandmother who told her that if she wanted to be a great writer she must first learn to be an avid reader.

Early adult life would be peppered with indecision, failings, and the haunting of things not learned in childhood. But as is the case with most sincere artist, out of the angst of life came a great capacity for creativity.

Shelby considers her writing a gift...a joy, a tremendous responsibility, and something that helps to define her life.

Ms. Anderson is a graduate of Oregon State University; and is also currently working on a master's degree.

She lives in very picturesque Central Oregon with her two children. 

If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Making it...(survival mode)

Online at Barbara's Bookstore!!!

Buy Now at Barnes and Noble!!!

Purchase Here!!! Tate Publishing

Order on Amazon!!!

Available through Parable Christian Bookstores

Buy at Powell's in Portland / Local Author

(Also being marketed in Internationally in countries like Japan, Sweden, Finland, Germany...!!!)

A portion of the proceeds from novel help support local women's shelters

Michelle aka Shelby Anderson on Facebook


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Making it...

...calling this "making it" is a joke, kinda...
...because i haven't made it...
...i mean i know so many things about what not to do...but i am brazenly aware that i do not know all the things i should about what to do...
...it seems like the only path i know sometimes is that of being in survival mode...
...but here is what i have found...half of us seem to be fighting our way out of situations...and the other half of us are looking down on the first half...but what very few people seem to realize, is that we are all switching places...whether its abuse, divorce, parenting issues, job loss...things can can so knock us for a loop, that we join "the other side"...
...there are people living in their motor homes in the deserts...mostly because of economy...so what that means is there are people, whole families out there living in complete "survival mode"...but guess what 3 or 4 years ago they were in their homes, with their bills paid, possibly not giving much thought or compassion to those who were in survival mode then....
...and it cycles...for lots of people...so why don't we talk about it...
...when i was being abused, one thing kept people from action or getting involved was that they truly did think they were above my particular struggles...
...i wonder if it is that our memories are short, our defenses are high and our need for humiliation extreme...
...so am i making it? i do some weeks...others, not...but the difference between me and some people, is that i do actually remember survival mode...and because of that, i would never want to bash someone while they are in it...
...compassion is so rare...i wonder in fact if it died with mother teresa and princess diana...because it seems so scarce these days...i don't want to forget what it is be in survival mode...it helps me understand others...

If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Born to unusual, but nice, parents, Michelle/Shelby grew up rather uneventfully, living mainly in the deep south (Alabama). Later she would learn that it was her parents' love for her that not only brought them together, but had kept them together. And so life was ideal in many respects and distressing in others. Eventually though the family did scatter like leaves on an autumn morning. Fortunately she was able to extract a sincere appreciation for love, beauty, and an abiding respect for those who at least try.

The single greatest influence in her life was the remarkable time spent with her paternal grandmother;  it was under this influence that she thrived. Her grandmother introduced her to not only fine Literature, but also the Arts and the Opera. And it was beloved grandmother who told her that if she wanted to be a great writer she must first learn to be an avid reader.

Early adult life would be peppered with indecision, failings, and the haunting of things not learned in childhood. But as is the case with most sincere artist, out of the angst of life came a great capacity for creativity.

Shelby considers her writing a gift...a joy, a tremendous responsibility, and something that helps to define her life.

Ms. Anderson is a graduate of Oregon State University; and is also currently working on a master's degree.

She lives in very picturesque Central Oregon with her two children. 

Breaking the Cycle from Within

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Purchase Here!!! Tate Publishing

Order on Amazon!!!

Available through Parable Christian Bookstores

Buy at Powell's in Portland / Local Author

(Also being marketed in Internationally in countries like Japan, Sweden, Finland, Germany...!!!)

A portion of the proceeds from novel help support local women's shelters

Michelle aka Shelby Anderson on Facebook

In order to get to a healthier place emotionally, especially after coming out of an abusive situation, it is important to examine just how long the abuse lasted? And ask yourself some very difficult questions...such as...have other relationships been abusive as well? If there is a pattern of picking men who are abusive, have addictive personalities or emotionally unavailable...perhaps therapy could help you look at why? One such contributing factor can be growing up in an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional home. You may be repeating poor habits that had been patterned to you as a child or young person. 

How do I know if I am an Adult Child of Alcoholic or Dysfunctional Families?

1. Do you recall anyone drinking or taking drugs or being involved in some other behavior that you now believe could be dysfunctional?

2. Did you avoid bringing friends to your home because of drinking or some other dysfunctional behavior in the home?

3. Did one of your parents make excuses for the other parent’s drinking or other behaviors?

4. Did your parents focus on each other so much that they seem to ignore you?

5. Did your parents or relatives argue constantly?

6. Were you drawn into arguments or disagreements and asked to choose sides with one parent or relative against another?

7. Did you try to protect your brothers or sisters against drinking or other behavior in the family?

8. As an adult, do you feel and mature? Do you feel like you are a child inside?

9. As an adult, do you believe you are treated like a child when you interact with your parents? Are you continuing to live out a childhood role with the parents?

10. Do you believe that it is your responsibility to take care of your parents’ feelings or worries? Do other relatives look to you to solve their problems?

11. Do you fear authority figures and angry people?

12. Do you constantly seek approval or praise but have difficulty accepting a compliment when one comes your way?

13. Do you see most forms of criticism as a personal attack?

14. Do you over commit yourself and then feel angry when others do not appreciate what you do?

15. Do you think you are responsible for the way another person feels or behaves?

16. Do you have difficulty identifying feelings?

17. Do you focus outside yourself for love or security?

18. Do involve yourself in the problems of others? Do you feel more alive when there is a crisis?

19. Do you equate sex with intimacy?

20. Do you confuse love and pity?

21. Have you found yourself in a relationship with a compulsive or dangerous person and wonder how you got there?

22. Do you judge yourself without mercy and guess at what is normal?

23. Do you behave one way in public and another way it home?

24. Do you think your parents had a problem with drinking are taking drugs?

25. Do you think you were affected by the drinking or other dysfunctional behavior of your parents or family?

If you answered yes to three or more of these questions, you may be suffering from the effects of growing up in an alcoholic or other dysfunctional family. As the laundry list states, you can be affected even if you did not take a drink. 

Works Cited

ACAWSO. (2006). Adult Children of Alcoholics. Torrance.

Thanks Joseph Searles 

If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Born to unusual, but nice, parents, Michelle/Shelby grew up rather uneventfully, living mainly in the deep south (Alabama). Later she would learn that it was her parents' love for her that not only brought them together, but had kept them together. And so life was ideal in many respects and distressing in others. Eventually though the family did scatter like leaves on an autumn morning. Fortunately she was able to extract a sincere appreciation for love, beauty, and an abiding respect for those who at least try.

The single greatest influence in her life was the remarkable time spent with her paternal grandmother;  it was under this influence that she thrived. Her grandmother introduced her to not only fine Literature, but also the Arts and the Opera. And it was beloved grandmother who told her that if she wanted to be a great writer she must first learn to be an avid reader.

Early adult life would be peppered with indecision, failings, and the haunting of things not learned in childhood. But as is the case with most sincere artist, out of the angst of life came a great capacity for creativity.

Shelby considers her writing a gift...a joy, a tremendous responsibility, and something that helps to define her life.

Ms. Anderson is a graduate of Oregon State University; and is also currently working on a master's degree.

She lives in very picturesque Central Oregon with her two children. 

Finding Purpose...

Buy Now at Barnes and Noble!!!

Purchase Here!!! Tate Publishing

Order on Amazon!!!

Available through Parable Christian Bookstores

Buy at Powell's in Portland / Local Author

Online at Barbara's Bookstore!!!

(Also being marketed in Internationally in countries like Japan, Sweden, Finland, Germany...!!!)

A portion of the proceeds from novel help support local women's shelters

October 2010...(original post on Facebook)

Michelle aka Shelby Anderson on Facebook

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I am going to say this with as much love and courage as I can...

Number one...just because we have survived abuse does not mean that abuse is all that defines us...

Number two...Jesus is our Lord and savior and we have gotten to this point in life because of our faith in God...

Lots of well meaning people have listened to some of our prior struggles and felt the need to comment or give advice...most of the advice was along the lines that we were living in the past...nothing could be further from the truth...not in my marriage, not in the raising of our five kids, not in the accomplishment of my degree...not in the pursuit of my writing have I lived in, or longed for, the past...

I don't know how many of you are familiar with abusive situations...but so many times the abused person dies...or is disabled...or does not recover psychologically...and among the people who do survive and recover...so many do not reach back...not because they are unfeeling...they simply find it too painful to extend themselves in that area...I am a sister under the skin to so many of them because of my experiences...I respect their decisions...

I can, however, reach back...boldly...and with passion to any and all women and children who have been abused...to offer compassion...to offer support...to be an ear...to be a friend...It isn't that I haven't let go of what happened to me and the children...it is that we have been made whole by the grace of God...and we have a heart to reach back...to lend a hand...to help pull those out who would want to be helped and encouraged...

I feel an incredible amount of pity for those who could not be bothered with us when we were hurting...we are not bitter at them...we are not even upset with them...all we can muster for them is sadness...and a hope that God will heal the hurts that they have...

We talk openly about abuse not because it still bothers us...but because it doesn't have the power to hurt us anymore...

God was able to provide for us all that the people in our life could or would not...we are grateful...

But at no time should me and my children ever apologize for having been abused...we cannot make you more comfortable if you weren't there for us...that is a pain that you will have to take up with God...

We...like everyone else on the planet...wanted love and acceptance...nothing more...but certainly nothing less...

When families do not openly talk about abuse...and recovery...they keep the ugly cycle in motion...that is so sad...

If my talking...sharing...writing...embarrasses my family...what does that say about my family...?

If anyone in my life needs a room, a couch, a hundred dollars...to be bailed out of jail...a job reference...a meal...whatever...they would not have to beg or even ask twice...that I learned from scripture...

If I talk openly and courageously I can help another woman not to feel all alone in the world...I can help another woman resolve to make better decisions  for her and her kids...

I can reach back to where I was...and help others untangle from the muck...what greater purpose could God have given me than that...?

Instead of being embarrassed about us...or by us...why not be thrilled that we want to help others...?

I will tell you how I know I am where God wants me to be in life...when Judah was 6 she had a dream...in it she went to throne room of God...he welcomed her...she sat on his lap...he said he had a special ministry for her in life...God said that so many people had been hurt by abuse in life...this abuse sometimes keeps them from being able to see God as Father...she was instructed to reach out to those who had been hurt and let them know that God could heal their hurts...and that God wants to able able to have a relationship with them...

We...especially Judah...are where we need to be...talking openly...offering help and hope...and being there for women whose families are too embarrassed to be there for them...

 And if someone feels that they know more about what we lived through than we did...think again...people who only got their information from other people...and not directly out of my mouth...well...you have no idea what all was happening behind the scenes...and whats more, if you cared at all for me and kids, you could pick up the phone (even today) and ask us first hand what our experience was like...we have nothing to hide...

People have been led in  prayers for salvation...have received healing...and have cried long overdue tears of grief after hearing our story...these are such good things...

There was little or no tension about any of this before I decided to write about it...for close to ten years everything was okay...and all of a sudden there was a torrent of disdain and anger...and for what?...major newsflash people...all those things we would rather people not know...God saw...God knows...we are not fooling anyone...

Be real...be transparent...and in doing so you yourself may actually help someone for the kingdom of God...

I love all you...well meaning, completely off the mark, people...but I am not going to stop trying to help other abused people just because our story embarrasses you....God can help you with that...just ask him...

So much love...just no pride at all,

Michelle and family

If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Born to unusual, but nice, parents, Michelle/Shelby grew up rather uneventfully, living mainly in the deep south (Alabama). Later she would learn that it was her parents' love for her that not only brought them together, but had kept them together. And so life was ideal in many respects and distressing in others. Eventually though the family did scatter like leaves on an autumn morning. Fortunately she was able to extract a sincere appreciation for love, beauty, and an abiding respect for those who at least try.

The single greatest influence in her life was the remarkable time spent with her paternal grandmother;  it was under this influence that she thrived. Her grandmother introduced her to not only fine Literature, but also the Arts and the Opera. And it was beloved grandmother who told her that if she wanted to be a great writer she must first learn to be an avid reader.

Early adult life would be peppered with indecision, failings, and the haunting of things not learned in childhood. But as is the case with most sincere artist, out of the angst of life came a great capacity for creativity.

Shelby considers her writing a gift...a joy, a tremendous responsibility, and something that helps to define her life.

Ms. Anderson is a graduate of Oregon State University; and is also currently working on a master's degree.

She lives in very picturesque Central Oregon with her two children. 

...in case you didn't realize...

Purchase Here!!! Tate Publishing

A portion of the proceeds from novel help support local women's shelters

If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Michelle aka Shelby Anderson on Facebook

Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power:

• Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.
• Humiliation – An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
• Isolation – In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
• Threats – Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.
• Intimidation – Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.
• Denial and blame – Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.
• (cited from: 
• http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm#understanding 
• If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 
• 
  
  
  
  
  Born to unusual, but nice, parents, Michelle/Shelby grew up rather uneventfully, living mainly in the deep south (Alabama). Later she would learn that it was her parents' love for her that not only brought them together, but had kept them together. And so life was ideal in many respects and distressing in others. Eventually though the family did scatter like leaves on an autumn morning. Fortunately she was able to extract a sincere appreciation for love, beauty, and an abiding respect for those who at least try.
  
  The single greatest influence in her life was the remarkable time spent with her step-grandmother;  it was under this influence that she thrived. She was introduced to Literature, also the Arts and Opera. And it was beloved grandmother who told her that if she wanted to be a great writer she must first learn to be an avid reader.
  
  Early adult life would be peppered with indecision, failings, and the haunting of things not learned in childhood. But as is the case with most sincere artist, out of the angst of life came a great capacity for creativity.
  
  Shelby considers her writing a gift, a joy, a tremendous responsibility, and something that helps define her life.
  Ms. Anderson is a graduate of Oregon State University. 
• The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).