Tallulah Bankhead/highly functioning, dysfunction

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A portion of the proceeds from novel help support local women's shelters

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Being non well-behaved...and other family connections...measures of empowerment...

"I have always loved the quote about well-behaved women rarely going down in history; and Miss Tallulah Bankhead was proof of that. I have been a fan since I realized she was of the same family that the Bankhead Tunnel in Mobile, Alabama was named for; because I grew up in Mobile. But surprise, surprise I found out just today from our family historian that I am actually a distant cousin (4th cousin, once removed) of Miss Tallulah...small world. Elizabeth Adeline Bankhead was my great, great, great grandmother...freakin a!" 

I can truly relate to not being well-behaved...just thought it was me! lol.
Just finished my first novel...called "The House that Silence Bought"...now available on Amazon.(...guess the well-behaved have their own clubs!!!)

So...not that there is significance in it...but I didn't know...and I loved Tallulah for years without knowing...and I am not saying that I am considered non well-behaved because of being related...but at least now I fit in somewhere: in the non well-behaved women's club!!!

So being outspoken and seen as outrageous is not the hideous thing I once thought. I mean I speak out against domestic violence...that's not exactly shocking behavior...but because I am very vocal about my stand, it still puts me in the brazen category...and if that's the way it has to be, so be it!!!

But here is an aspect that might need to be explored...how might I have thought differently had I known this connection as a kid? Would I have looked at the Bankhead Tunnel in Mobile, Alabama a little differently and with pride? Would I have seen a little less wrong with me being the way that I am if I could relate it in terms of her being gifted, outrageous and family??? I am thinking as a kid I might have. Kids search to figure out who they are. I mean you cannot ride on the coattails of someone's else life...but it also is what it is. Like when they get on Ancestry.com and say "my so and so lived next door to the Wright Brothers"...I mean connections are part of who we are and how we see ourselves. Kids brag about how their relatives came over on the Mayflower...or how many generations they can trace back...freakin a, I would have liked to have known that I had family, even distantly, that was exceedingly interesting, accomplished and outrageous. Small world. In reality it would have been odd for our paths to have ever crossed, I was born in the 1960's she died in the 1960's...but people have connected over less, that is for certain. 

My self-esteem could have still been tragically low even if I had learned this growing up...but it sure would have added spice to family gatherings...lol.

So what does any of this have to do with abuse, recovery and rebuilding issues? Maybe nothing...maybe a little. I do in fact, as I am writing feel differently about my connections in life for knowing this. I am prouder now to be as outspoken as I am about passionate things. 

So where ever you ended up Miss Tallulah, I tip my baseball cap in your general direction and say "hey"...because we non well-behaved women should stick together!!! lol

She had her passions, good bad or otherwise...and I have mine...oh that I could be half as noted and notorious for mine as she was for hers!!! Yesterday I didn't know. Today I do. 

Source: http://home.hiwaay.net/~oliver/tbintro.htm 
(but had I known she was family sooner <4th cousins>, I would have been my own source...lol)

There wasn't therapy like there is today back then. I say that because many of Miss Tallulah's extreme behaviors might have been softened or relaxed by counseling. It was said that she used to joke about having been raped when she was a kid. But what if it hadn't been a joke? What if it had happened and she simply had no one to whom she could confide? It might have gone a long way in explaining her overt sexual and inappropriate behaviors. I don't suggest this to be unkind. In reality if she had been molested and never got help for it, then she did well to be as highly functioning as she was. I bring it up to say anyone can be abused...even the famous, the not yet famous, the educated, the intellectual and the wealthy. she was a family member that I never met; but sure would have like to.


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Tallulah Bankhead was born in Alabama, daughter of Congressman William Bankhead (later Speaker of the House, 1936-40). Her mother died of complications from childbirth several weeks later, and she was raised in part by her aunts and grandparents. She was educated in New York City, Staunton, Virginia, and Washington, DC. Her exhibitionist personality was apparent from an early age.

Tallulah Bankhead's first part in a film was in 1917 and her first stage role in 1918. After a few other minor roles in film and on stage, she went to England in 1923, where she became famous for her flamboyant personality and deep voice, and was popular in the six plays in which she appeared.

Tallulah Bankhead returned to the United States in 1931 with a Paramount Pictures contract, and then was off to New York in 1933, where she was diagnosed and treated surgically for advanced gonorrhea. Tallulah Bankhead then returned to the New York stage in Dark Victory, Rain, Something Gay and Reflected Glory. Her 1937 film, Antony and Cleopatra, was considered a definite flop.

In 1939, she received awards for her work in The Little Foxes by Lillian Helman, and in 1942 she won awards for her performance in Skin of Our Teeth. Her film performance in Hitchcock'sLifeboat in 1944 won yet more awards; in 1948 she starred in Otto Preminger's A Royal Scandaland in 1948 she starred on stage in Private Lives by Noel Coward.

Tallulah Bankhead retired from the stage in 1950, beginning a radio show with many celebrity guests. In 1952 she hosted for a television show and published her autobiography. She appeared on Steve Allen and Lucille Ball's television shows and starred in a nightclub act in Las Vegas.

Several attempts at reviving her stage career either failed or had modest success. Her last acting performance was on the television series "Batman" in 1967.

Tallulah Bankhead married actor John Emery in 1937 and they divorced in 1941. She had no children. After her 1942 success, she bought a home in rural New York where she entertained frequently. Estelle Winwood and Patsy Kelly were among the guests who lived with her there. Her name was linked during her lifetime with many people -- men and women -- and she carefully nurtured her wild reputation.

Tallulah Bankhead was active in politics, supporting Democratic and liberal causes and campaigning for Franklin D. Roosevelt. She was also a fan of the New York Giants.

(http://womenshistory.about.com/od/actresses/p/tallulah.htm)
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If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Born to unusual, but nice, parents, Michelle/Shelby grew up rather uneventfully, living mainly in the deep south (Alabama). Later she would learn that it was her parents' love for her that not only brought them together, but had kept them together. And so life was ideal in many respects and distressing in others. Eventually though the family did scatter like leaves on an autumn morning. Fortunately she was able to extract a sincere appreciation for love, beauty, and an abiding respect for those who at least try.

The single greatest influence in her life was the remarkable time spent with her paternal grandmother;  it was under this influence that she thrived. Her grandmother introduced her to not only fine Literature, but also the Arts and the Opera. And it was beloved grandmother who told her that if she wanted to be a great writer she must first learn to be an avid reader.

Early adult life would be peppered with indecision, failings, and the haunting of things not learned in childhood. But as is the case with most sincere artist, out of the angst of life came a great capacity for creativity.

Shelby considers her writing a gift...a joy, a tremendous responsibility, and something that helps to define her life.

Ms. Anderson is a graduate of Oregon State University; and is also currently working on a master's degree.

She lives in very picturesque Central Oregon with her two children. 

Michelle aka Shelby Anderson's Facebook Page

The Legacy of Co-dependence

Born to unusual, but nice, parents, Michelle/Shelby grew up rather uneventfully, living mainly in the deep south (Alabama). Later she would learn that it was her parents' love for her that not only brought them together, but had kept them together. And so life was ideal in many respects and distressing in others. Eventually though the family did scatter like leaves on an autumn morning. Fortunately she was able to extract a sincere appreciation for love, beauty, and an abiding respect for those who at least try.

The single greatest influence in her life was the remarkable time spent with her paternal grandmother;  it was under this influence that she thrived. Her grandmother introduced her to not only fine Literature, but also the Arts and the Opera. And it was beloved grandmother who told her that if she wanted to be a great writer she must first learn to be an avid reader.

Early adult life would be peppered with indecision, failings, and the haunting of things not learned in childhood. But as is the case with most sincere artist, out of the angst of life came a great capacity for creativity.

Shelby considers her writing a gift...a joy, a tremendous responsibility, and something that helps to define her life.

Ms. Anderson is a graduate of Oregon State University; and is also currently working on a master's degree.

She lives in very picturesque Central Oregon with her two children. 

Buy Now at Barnes and Noble!!!

Purchase Here!!! Tate Publishing

Order on Amazon!!!

Available through Parable Christian Bookstores

Buy at Powell's in Portland / Local Author

(Also being marketed in Internationally in countries like Japan, Sweden, Finland, Germany...!!!)

A portion of the proceeds from novel help support local women's shelters

If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Michelle aka Shelby Anderson Facebook Page

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The Legacy of Codependence http://www.thebridgetorecovery.com When I first heard the term codependence a few years ago, I couldn’t figure out what it meant. Was it just a buzz word, a fad? Was it the invention of pop psychologists or a convenient marketing tool for the mental health care industry? My confusion was underlined by the fact that every expert I consulted had a different definition. One said codependence was preoccupation with other people and their problems in an attempt to get one’s own unmet emotional needs satisfied. Another suggested that it was a pattern of painful dependence on people and on approval to find meaning, identity, and value. Another expert described codependence as a disease of relationships in which the real problem was one’s relationship with one’s self! The most creative description I came across was this one: codependence is about growing up depending on someone who’s depending on something that’s not dependable. This could include anything from abusing alcohol and drugs to compulsive overworking, overeating, and overdoing almost anything. An example would be the child left in the car for one or more hours, enduring heat or cold, while his/her parents are working in the office. Today, I use this simple, generic definition of codependence: “Codependence is the pain in adulthood that comes from being wounded in childhood, which leads to a high probability of relationship problems and addictive disorders in later life.” At the Bridge part of our focus is on the emotional deficits that develop when children grow up in painful circumstances. Children of addiction, neglect, and abuse acquire social and emotional habits that turn on them in adulthood. Survival behaviors such as compulsive caretaking, martyring, door matting, scapegoating, controlling, people-pleasing, and approval-seeking are classic examples. One of the negative emotional habits that codependents develop is categorical thinking. Everything is black and white with no shades in between. This always/never way of thinking leads them to over-react in social situations. Roger, for example, heard that some of the members of his Sunday school class were dissatisfied with his teaching methods. Instead of consulting with them on how to make the class more meaningful, he resigned and joined another class. Another childlike behavior of codependents is personalization – interpreting everything that is said and done in their immediate environment as if it were directed at them. This creates a paranoid perspective, which leads to defensiveness, hostility, and isolation. At a meeting with his prayer group, Mark questioned the unwitting use of sexist language that had begun to occur. Another member of the group, realizing that he was guilty, assumed that Mark was chiding him personally. He took offense and dropped out of the group. A third habit many codependents acquire is what I call obsessive over-analyzing. The mind goes round and round in circles until the emotional system either explodes or shuts down as a result of the overwhelming anxiety that is generated. Another emotional habit typical of codependents is exaggerating or “awfulizing”. Children who have grown up in addictive or traumatized family systems learn to expect the worst. They are constantly waiting for the other shoe to fall. In adulthood, they are prone to place the worst possible interpretation on every event. They see neutral or even positive situations as negative, and they anticipate disaster. This expectation often sets off an emotional chain reaction that creates the very thing they most fear. People who are “stuck” in these immature emotional habits consider them normal. They don’t know any other way to think/believe/behave. Such individuals are not at fault! They need gentle and respectful guidance.

Obsessive-compulsive disorder, better known as OCD.

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Free self-help for those with obsessive-compulsive disorder, better known as OCD.

Sometimes people who have survived abuse, especially repeated abuse may have tendencies for OCD behaviors. Here are some fairly recent facts to consider. There is hope.

From the website: http://anxieties.com/ocd.php/

Obsessions are repetitive, unproductive thoughts that almost all of us have experienced from time to time. We can be driving down the road, ten minutes from home, heading for a week's vacation. Suddenly the thought enters our mind, "Did I unplug the iron after I finished with that shirt?" Then we think, "I must have...but I don't know, I was rushing around so at the last minute. Did I reach down and pull the cord out of the socket? I can't remember. Was the iron light still on as I walked out the door? No, it was off. Was it? I can't leave it on all week; the house will burn down. This is ridiculous!" Eventually we either turn around and head home to check as the only way to feel relieved, or we convince ourselves that we did indeed take care of the task.

This is an example of what can take place inside the mind of any of us when worrying about a particular problem. Obsessive-compulsive disorder, however, is much more serious. In the mind of the person with obsessive-compulsive disorder, this pattern of thought is exaggerated, highly distressing and persistent.

The second form of the problem is: compulsions: repetitive, unproductive behaviors that people engage in ritualistically. As with obsessive thoughts, there are a few compulsive behaviors in which the average person might engage. As children, we played with superstitions, such as never stepping on a sidewalk crack or turning away when a black cat crossed our path. Some of these persist as we become adults: may of us still never walk under a ladder.

Intense anxiety and even panic can come whenever the person attempts to stop the ritual. The tension and anxiety build to such an intense degree that he surrenders once again to the thoughts or behaviors. Unlike an alcoholic, who feels compelled to drink but also enjoys the drinking experience, the obsessive-compulsive person achieves relief through the ritual but no pleasure.

We have written a self-help book specifically for anyone suffering from OCD, titled Stop Obsessing! How to Overcome Obsessions and Compulsions, by Dr. Edna Foa and Dr. Reid Wilson (Bantam Books).

Common Features of Obsessions and Compulsions

There are seven common features of obsessions and compulsions. The first three are related to obsessions and worrying in general; the last four are for people who experience both obsessions and compulsions. Listen to which ones fit you.

(1) Your obsessions involve a concern with disastrous consequences. You are usually afraid that some harm will come to you or others. For instance, you'll forget to lock the doors of your house, and someone will break in and harm your family. Or you'll neglect to thoroughly wash your hands, and you'll develop some dreaded disease.

Some people have compulsions, and they don't have that sense of obsession. They don't really know what they're worried about. But usually you will get a sense of dread, like something terrible is going to happen.

(2) There are times when you know your obsessions are irrational. Some people believe their worries are accurate reflections of reality, and it's hard for them to get a perspective. But for most people there are times when you know that your worries are senseless. During good times, when you're not under stress, and you're not involved in your ritual or really worried, you can say, "This is crazy. This doesn't make any sense." You know that you're not really going to get sick if you fail to wash your hands five times. You don't really believe that your boss will humiliate you if you make one typing error. Nonetheless, when you start to worry, you believe those fearful thoughts.

(3) You try to resist your obsessions, but that only makes them worse. You want to get rid of these worries because they cause so much fear. But when you fight these thoughts it often makes them more intense.

This gives us a clue to one of the ways we can start to change this negative pattern. If resisting the thoughts makes them worse, what might help lessen them? ...Believe it or not, accepting your fearful thoughts will help lessen them! We'll talk more about acceptance in a few minutes.

(4) Compulsive rituals provide you temporary relief. Some people just worry, and they don't have compulsive rituals, so this one wouldn't fit them. But when people do use compulsions, they provide relief and restore a sense of relative safety, even if just for a little while.

(5) Your rituals usually involve specific sequences. This means that you often have a set pattern for how you wash, or check or count or think in order to be released from you distressing worries.

(6) You try to resist you compulsions too. If your compulsions are brief, and don't interfere with your daily living, then you can probably tolerate them. But if rituals are inconvenient and take a while to perform, then you probably try to avoid the rituals or to complete them as soon as possible.

(7) You seek out others to help with your rituals. Compulsions can be so distressing that you enlist the help of those close to you. You may ask family members to help count for you, or friends to check behind you, or your boss to please read over a letter before you seal it up.

These seven features should give you a better sense of your symptoms.

Causes

Until recently OCD was regarded as a rare condition, but studies now indicate that up to 3% of the population, or nearly 6 million Americans, will experience an obsessive-compulsive disorder at some point in their life. Symptoms tend to begin in the teen years, or in early adulthood. About one third of people with OCD showed the first signs of a problem inchildhood.

Men and women are equally likely to suffer from OCD, although men tend to show symptoms at an earlier age. Cleaning compulsions are more common in women, while men are more likely to be checkers.

No one can say for certain what causes obsessive-compulsive disorder. At one time researchers speculated that OCD resulted from family attitudes or childhood experiences, including harsh discipline by demanding parents. Recent evidence suggest that biological factors may contribute to the development of OCD. Some recent tests have found a high rate of OCD in people with Tourette's Syndrome, a disorder marked by muscle tics and uncontrollable blurting of sounds. Many researchers believe this suggests a linkage between OCD and brain disturbances.

There is a tendency for OCD to run in families, and many people with OCD also suffer from depression. The exact relationship between OCD and depression has not been established.

Treatment

There have been great strides in the treatment of OCD in recent years, and many people with the disorder report that their symptoms have beenbrought under control or eliminated. Traditional psychotherapy, which works by helping an individual analyze his problem, is generally of little value in OCD. But many people with OCD benefit from a form of behavior therapy in which they are gradually exposed to circumstances that trigger their compulsive behavior.

For example, a hand washer might be urged to touch an object she fears is contaminated, and then be discouraged from washing her hands for several hours. The goal is to eliminate or cut down on anxiety and compulsive behavior by convincing the individual with OCD that nothing will happen if she fails to perform the compulsive ritual.

Behavior therapy works best when the feared situation can be easily simulated. It is more difficult if the anxiety-producing situation is hard to create.

Medication can play a prominent role in the treatment of OCD, and is particularly helpful for patients who are bothered by obsessions.

In some cases family therapy can be a valuable supplement to behavior therapy. Family counseling sessions can help both the individual with OCD and his family by increasing understanding and establishing shared goals and expectations.

I cannot say I have been there. I can say "I am there". So I do understand.

Check in with me,

Michelle aka Shelby Anderson

Buy Now at Barnes and Noble!!!

Purchase Here!!! Tate Publishing

Order from Amazon!!!

Order from Parable Christian Bookstores

Order from Powell's in Portland / Local Author

Also being marketed in Internationally in Japan, Sweden, Finland, Germany...!!!

Michelle aka Shelby Anderson on Facebook

Born to unusual, but nice, parents, Michelle/Shelby grew up rather uneventfully, living mainly in the deep south (Alabama). Later she would learn that it was her parents' love for her that not only brought them together, but had kept them together. And so life was ideal in many respects and distressing in others. Eventually though the family did scatter like leaves on an autumn morning. Fortunately she was able to extract a sincere appreciation for love, beauty, and an abiding respect for those who at least try.

The single greatest influence in her life was the remarkable time spent with her paternal grandmother;  it was under this influence that she thrived. Her grandmother introduced her to not only fine Literature, but also the Arts and the Opera. And it was beloved grandmother who told her that if she wanted to be a great writer she must first learn to be an avid reader.

Early adult life would be peppered with indecision, failings, and the haunting of things not learned in childhood. But as is the case with most sincere artist, out of the angst of life came a great capacity for creativity.

Shelby considers her writing a gift...a joy, a tremendous responsibility, and something that helps to define her life.

Ms. Anderson is a graduate of Oregon State University; and is also currently working on a master's degree.

She lives in very picturesque Central Oregon with her two children. 

If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

My Kitten, Tigger...and Other Strays...

Michelle aka Shelby Anderson on Facebook

I try to blog from what is going on in my everyday life, movies that I watch, songs that I love, silly things my kids say and do...and of course challenges that we face...or have faced.

I just shared this story on facebook...and when I stopped sniffing/crying, I realized that this story was so appropriate for those who have been abused...


Somewhere inside maybe we are all little lost kittens, wanting desperately to be picked up, loved, nurtured and accepted...the revelation that we are all alone in the world is a stark and painful one...the only thing that makes it better is when we find a place that we can call home...acceptance, love and nurturing can do some very wonderful things to the human soul; just as rejection, abandonment and scorn can damage it...


I have to own my poor decisions, not matter what contributed to them...we all do...but I do wonder if a lot of realize just how much power we have to lift or annihilate another human being in what we do and say. When I find my self "not at my best" which can include yelling, being short -tempered and overbearing...I stop to ponder just where all of that comes from...very few situations require such outbursts...so what is it really I am mad about? what is it  really that is making me feel so pressured that I react that way? 


If each of us were to stop every time "we lose it" and ask ourselves what was really hurting us, so many times it is not even the situation at hand...sometimes it is some other long forgotten wound, not properly healed...that rears its ugly head for attention.  Pressure is having to do something and feeling ill-equipped to do so...so what is really causing our pressure? bills and deadlines come and go...kids will always needs us...and a lot of us don't feel we have accomplished or become all that we want to be...so if those things are almost universal, they aren't really the pressure...the pressure is someone wants something from us, and we cannot deliver...


Why? 


Maybe because there is something else we are harboring...some hurt...some slight...something that has so distracted us that it invades our now...demanding our attentions...and crowding out our obligations...


Take the time when there is less pressure on you to explore those old hurts...talk to them...tell them you are listening...find a way to resolve them...if not between you and the actual person, then maybe on  paper, or in your head...its not that you have to visit for a long time...just long enough to let yourself know that it does get better...and forgiveness is within our grasps in the future...things like denial, keeps us for doing the hard work of actual healing...


I helped a kitten just like in this picture...but I also was a kitten just like this...and I didn't want to be...I didn't want to be rejected, ridiculed or hurt...and so I can go back and say "Michelle, its rejection (or whatever) you are battling...and you will find your way through it...it doesn't have the final word" ...and then I can cry...and laugh...and anything else I need to make that one hurt, stop hurting...and then the next time the food boils over on the stove, the children need something at school without notice, or someone cuts us off driving...then maybe then our frustration level is a bit more manageable...


I kept attracting broken men, who could not give me what I needed emotionally, because I was broken and didn't have what I needed emotionally...their behaviors were bad....and they have to own that...but I would not have gone on the 2nd date, gone to the alter, or kept going back to them had I had healthy self-esteem.


So if you are going through abuse, getting away to a safe place is the first and hardest step..but once you are away, getting to healthy can be just as daunting...but don't give up...because I can promise you will get to a place where you like yourself a great deal...a place where your decisions get better...a place where you can see and work on old hurts.


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...these days we have a stray of sorts, Cecil, who has taken over our lives and hearts.




...this picture reminds me of when I was a kid, in Virginia...we were at a party...one of those grown up parties where kids just meandered about...I went outside with one of the other kids...in short order there was this mewing sound coming from this large mud puddle...and in it I found this little tiger striped kitten, that couldn't have been a month or two old...tugging at my heart, I took it in to the party and defiantly proclaimed that we needed to adopt the kitten immediately...probably because of embarrassment, my father relented...that kitten became my first pet, Tigger...after the Winnie the Pooh series.

...love the babies, especially the ones no one else wants!!!


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Buy Now at Barnes and Noble!!!

Purchase Here!!! Tate Publishing

Order on Amazon!!!

Available through Parable Christian Bookstores

Buy at Powell's in Portland / Local Author

(Also being marketed in Internationally in countries like Japan, Sweden, Finland, Germany...!!!)

A portion of the proceeds from novel help support local women's shelters

If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Born to unusual, but nice, parents, Michelle/Shelby grew up rather uneventfully, living mainly in the deep south (Alabama). Later she would learn that it was her parents' love for her that not only brought them together, but had kept them together. And so life was ideal in many respects and distressing in others. Eventually though the family did scatter like leaves on an autumn morning. Fortunately she was able to extract a sincere appreciation for love, beauty, and an abiding respect for those who at least try.

The single greatest influence in her life was the remarkable time spent with her paternal grandmother;  it was under this influence that she thrived. Her grandmother introduced her to not only fine Literature, but also the Arts and the Opera. And it was beloved grandmother who told her that if she wanted to be a great writer she must first learn to be an avid reader.

Early adult life would be peppered with indecision, failings, and the haunting of things not learned in childhood. But as is the case with most sincere artist, out of the angst of life came a great capacity for creativity.

Shelby considers her writing a gift...a joy, a tremendous responsibility, and something that helps to define her life.

Ms. Anderson is a graduate of Oregon State University; and is also currently working on a master's degree.

She lives in very picturesque Central Oregon with her two children. 

Making it...(survival mode)

Online at Barbara's Bookstore!!!

Buy Now at Barnes and Noble!!!

Purchase Here!!! Tate Publishing

Order on Amazon!!!

Available through Parable Christian Bookstores

Buy at Powell's in Portland / Local Author

(Also being marketed in Internationally in countries like Japan, Sweden, Finland, Germany...!!!)

A portion of the proceeds from novel help support local women's shelters

Michelle aka Shelby Anderson on Facebook


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Making it...

...calling this "making it" is a joke, kinda...
...because i haven't made it...
...i mean i know so many things about what not to do...but i am brazenly aware that i do not know all the things i should about what to do...
...it seems like the only path i know sometimes is that of being in survival mode...
...but here is what i have found...half of us seem to be fighting our way out of situations...and the other half of us are looking down on the first half...but what very few people seem to realize, is that we are all switching places...whether its abuse, divorce, parenting issues, job loss...things can can so knock us for a loop, that we join "the other side"...
...there are people living in their motor homes in the deserts...mostly because of economy...so what that means is there are people, whole families out there living in complete "survival mode"...but guess what 3 or 4 years ago they were in their homes, with their bills paid, possibly not giving much thought or compassion to those who were in survival mode then....
...and it cycles...for lots of people...so why don't we talk about it...
...when i was being abused, one thing kept people from action or getting involved was that they truly did think they were above my particular struggles...
...i wonder if it is that our memories are short, our defenses are high and our need for humiliation extreme...
...so am i making it? i do some weeks...others, not...but the difference between me and some people, is that i do actually remember survival mode...and because of that, i would never want to bash someone while they are in it...
...compassion is so rare...i wonder in fact if it died with mother teresa and princess diana...because it seems so scarce these days...i don't want to forget what it is be in survival mode...it helps me understand others...

If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Born to unusual, but nice, parents, Michelle/Shelby grew up rather uneventfully, living mainly in the deep south (Alabama). Later she would learn that it was her parents' love for her that not only brought them together, but had kept them together. And so life was ideal in many respects and distressing in others. Eventually though the family did scatter like leaves on an autumn morning. Fortunately she was able to extract a sincere appreciation for love, beauty, and an abiding respect for those who at least try.

The single greatest influence in her life was the remarkable time spent with her paternal grandmother;  it was under this influence that she thrived. Her grandmother introduced her to not only fine Literature, but also the Arts and the Opera. And it was beloved grandmother who told her that if she wanted to be a great writer she must first learn to be an avid reader.

Early adult life would be peppered with indecision, failings, and the haunting of things not learned in childhood. But as is the case with most sincere artist, out of the angst of life came a great capacity for creativity.

Shelby considers her writing a gift...a joy, a tremendous responsibility, and something that helps to define her life.

Ms. Anderson is a graduate of Oregon State University; and is also currently working on a master's degree.

She lives in very picturesque Central Oregon with her two children. 

Breaking the Cycle from Within

Buy Now at Barnes and Noble!!!

Purchase Here!!! Tate Publishing

Order on Amazon!!!

Available through Parable Christian Bookstores

Buy at Powell's in Portland / Local Author

(Also being marketed in Internationally in countries like Japan, Sweden, Finland, Germany...!!!)

A portion of the proceeds from novel help support local women's shelters

Michelle aka Shelby Anderson on Facebook

In order to get to a healthier place emotionally, especially after coming out of an abusive situation, it is important to examine just how long the abuse lasted? And ask yourself some very difficult questions...such as...have other relationships been abusive as well? If there is a pattern of picking men who are abusive, have addictive personalities or emotionally unavailable...perhaps therapy could help you look at why? One such contributing factor can be growing up in an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional home. You may be repeating poor habits that had been patterned to you as a child or young person. 

How do I know if I am an Adult Child of Alcoholic or Dysfunctional Families?

1. Do you recall anyone drinking or taking drugs or being involved in some other behavior that you now believe could be dysfunctional?

2. Did you avoid bringing friends to your home because of drinking or some other dysfunctional behavior in the home?

3. Did one of your parents make excuses for the other parent’s drinking or other behaviors?

4. Did your parents focus on each other so much that they seem to ignore you?

5. Did your parents or relatives argue constantly?

6. Were you drawn into arguments or disagreements and asked to choose sides with one parent or relative against another?

7. Did you try to protect your brothers or sisters against drinking or other behavior in the family?

8. As an adult, do you feel and mature? Do you feel like you are a child inside?

9. As an adult, do you believe you are treated like a child when you interact with your parents? Are you continuing to live out a childhood role with the parents?

10. Do you believe that it is your responsibility to take care of your parents’ feelings or worries? Do other relatives look to you to solve their problems?

11. Do you fear authority figures and angry people?

12. Do you constantly seek approval or praise but have difficulty accepting a compliment when one comes your way?

13. Do you see most forms of criticism as a personal attack?

14. Do you over commit yourself and then feel angry when others do not appreciate what you do?

15. Do you think you are responsible for the way another person feels or behaves?

16. Do you have difficulty identifying feelings?

17. Do you focus outside yourself for love or security?

18. Do involve yourself in the problems of others? Do you feel more alive when there is a crisis?

19. Do you equate sex with intimacy?

20. Do you confuse love and pity?

21. Have you found yourself in a relationship with a compulsive or dangerous person and wonder how you got there?

22. Do you judge yourself without mercy and guess at what is normal?

23. Do you behave one way in public and another way it home?

24. Do you think your parents had a problem with drinking are taking drugs?

25. Do you think you were affected by the drinking or other dysfunctional behavior of your parents or family?

If you answered yes to three or more of these questions, you may be suffering from the effects of growing up in an alcoholic or other dysfunctional family. As the laundry list states, you can be affected even if you did not take a drink. 

Works Cited

ACAWSO. (2006). Adult Children of Alcoholics. Torrance.

Thanks Joseph Searles 

If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Born to unusual, but nice, parents, Michelle/Shelby grew up rather uneventfully, living mainly in the deep south (Alabama). Later she would learn that it was her parents' love for her that not only brought them together, but had kept them together. And so life was ideal in many respects and distressing in others. Eventually though the family did scatter like leaves on an autumn morning. Fortunately she was able to extract a sincere appreciation for love, beauty, and an abiding respect for those who at least try.

The single greatest influence in her life was the remarkable time spent with her paternal grandmother;  it was under this influence that she thrived. Her grandmother introduced her to not only fine Literature, but also the Arts and the Opera. And it was beloved grandmother who told her that if she wanted to be a great writer she must first learn to be an avid reader.

Early adult life would be peppered with indecision, failings, and the haunting of things not learned in childhood. But as is the case with most sincere artist, out of the angst of life came a great capacity for creativity.

Shelby considers her writing a gift...a joy, a tremendous responsibility, and something that helps to define her life.

Ms. Anderson is a graduate of Oregon State University; and is also currently working on a master's degree.

She lives in very picturesque Central Oregon with her two children.