Jordan"s Voice

Jordan is being abandoned by family (namely his biological father and step-mother) and he doesn't have a proverbial voice to do anything about it. He has a natural voice, just not a forum.

Abandoned by his own dad. Who does that? Maybe a father who knows he was awful and didn't repent nor apologize. But that same father makes me out to be the problem and swears he was never abusive.

Jordan, being severely disabled and autistic, had many meltdowns at the shelter. So now he has to go to a mental health facility - and I am heartbroken for him.  

We will get through this with God's help.

Much love, 

Mickey Len (Michelle)

Family Dysfunction

A woman who comes up out of abusive cycles is not looking for someone to blame, as much as she is just looking for peace and healing and encouragement. If encouragement is not forthcoming, and her self-esteem is compromised, she may look to a whole host of activities in order to boost her marred confidence. This includes gossiping, flirting, shopping, doing drugs, having illicit sex, gambling...etc. The poor decisions only magnify the problems.
You see, coping skills are not something any of us are born with...we have to learn them. If we don't learn them? we sure as heck cannot teach them to our kids. Thus abuse, dysfunction, and potential mental health issues get jumbled up in a vicious cycle - sadly that some of us never escape.
Family dysfunction is a mental health issue to be sure, but it also so much more as well.

If you are trapped in the muck and the mire that is dysfunction and abuse, do not give up on getting out of it. You can take yourself in hand and you can overcome your situation, your past and the damage you have endured.

Most dysfunctional families have no clue that they are hurting. They don't know that there can be another way of relating and communicating.

Take my situation: I went from one bad relationship to another, never taking the time to look at and fix me. I attracted broken, in part because I, too, was broken.

Healthy people talk, are honest and vulnerable. They incorporate proper communication skills, good boundaries and they forgive.  Forgiveness is a key component in being healthy mentally and spiritually - otherwise, bitterness can spring forth and damage yourself and others.

Family dysfunction is a pandemic, and it is not even remotely being addressed as a culture/society.

Seek not to blame, but to understand. Our families think they are doing the best they know how to do. It doesn't matter at this point what you were taught, what skills you learned from your family. All of that would have possibly made a difference, but it didn't happen. You have to accept that, cry and mourn over that - and find a way to move on.

Seek God. Lean on friends, support groups and people who are kind to you - never mind if they are not your family of origin. You can learn healthy coping skills. You can fix what is damaged in you, and learn to take better care of yourself mentally, physically and spiritually.

And...if someone wants to put down your desire to grow, heal and learn? it is ok to keep them at a distance - even if they are family.

Like yourself. Love yourself. Learn to be protective of yourself. learn the value of you - and forgive yourself and them.

And if you have no resources or time, then take the initiative to look up things online - because anything you didn't learn, you can learn now.

Much love,

Mickey Len (Michelle)

Mental Health 1

I have jokingly said, in this life, that I have yet seen a functional family.

Why do I say that?  Because that has been my experience.

Seemingly all families struggle with mental health issues, and most do not speak about them. And in not talking about them? The dysfunction becomes self-perpetuating.

Life is messy and stressful, and we need strong, healthy coping mechanisms. In lieu of decent coping skills, we grasp at anything to take the edge off; and in the process, we deny the severity of our issues.

We, as a culture, as of right now are smack dab in the middle of a severe mental health crisis.

Mickey Len (Michelle)

It is tough to tell...

It is tough to tell...

The most asked question is why don't abused women leave?

I have been asked so many times about domestic violence.

The question I get asked most is:

Why don't abused women leave?

Sometimes people are truly interested and want to understand and perhaps help.

But, so many times, the person asking the question, is being condescending, judgmental and rude.

The rude people person says things like:

"Well, if it was me, I'd just leave."

Or:

"Women who don't leave must be stupid, sick or lazy. They deserve what they get."

As someone who has overcome abuse, I beg you, please don't say insensitive things like that. Your feeling of moral superiority is not helping the woman. You are getting any "points" for looking down on the abused woman.

Comments like that? Contribute to why some abused women do not leave.

Abused women sometimes don't leave, for a variety of reasons:

Feeling that they deserve abuse.

In denial that they are being abused.

Unable to immediately provide for themselves or their children.

Housing.

Lack of health insurance.

Fear of being found and hurt, or even killed, for leaving.

Being told that something is wrong with them that they cannot just deal with it.

Their abuser is nice and/or responsible to others, and seemingly only abuses them.

Being in love.

Not having a healthy self-esteem.

Feeling like a failure.

...and hundreds of other potential reasons...

So, if a friend, a co-worker, or a family member confides that they are experiencing abuse...or if you hear of someone being abused...be patient, be kind, ask what you can do to help, or refer them to numbers or resources, that could possibly help.

Treat the abused women with the same kindness, compassion and respect you would use if it was your daughter, mother or wife.

And please, save your self-righteousness, judgment, and impatience for another time.

So on behalf of recovering abused ladies everywhere, thank you for reading!

Love, 

Mickey Len (Michelle)

Imagine

Imagine actually believing that you don't deserve to be happy. Being so downtrodden that every decision is put through the filter of:
"What does it matter, I don't deserve to be happy, anyway?"

After a while, careless decisions become easier and easier to make. Excuses for not achieving, not overcoming become easier and easier to find. Until nothing seems to matter.

Spiritual Warfare is real, and it takes place in the soul...the soul consists of the mind, emotions and the will. Why does it happen there? Because that part of our nature is not made new when we become born again. Our spirits become new, not our souls. And so begins the battle, the strife, between soul and spirit.

The soul remembers the soul meditates on thoughts, emotions, and the past. The soul worries.

The balance is so filling our lives with the Word of God, the things of God, the actual presence of God, that our spirits bring our souls into alignment with Godly character.

One of the parables that Jesus spoke of was becoming "good ground". In order to become good ground, we have to allow the thorns and weeds of this life to be dug up and routed out. Thoughts, emotions and the past, especially negative ones, can be thought of as the thorns and weeds that need to be dug up, in order to make us "good ground".

So the message that I got, and operated under for most of my life "that I don't deserve to be happy" was a weed. A negative impact on the way I thought of myself, my choices and my corner of the world.

God doesn't automatically, nor instantly, just make us good ground. In fact, it is left up to us to do that kind of work. One of the Parables has Jesus basically telling us that it up to us to make ourselves "good ground". We must pull up the "weeds" in our lives, in order to become that which is fertile = to become good ground. 

Think about. Seek help if you need it. Find someone to talk to openly. 

Much love, 

Mickey Len (Michelle)

Tonight

...Jordan and I sit alone, tonight...in a shelter...for battered women.

Once again I put myself in a tenuous position, because of emotional hurt. 

Do I post this because of the kind of judgment that gets passed on me? 

Was why am I living like this, at this stage in my life?
Women who have been abused, raped, taken advantage of, are supposed to break the cycle of abuse, get to a safe place and get help...so I did...
But it is inconvenient, embarrassing and frankly, not well tolerated...but, I did what I was supposed to do, to not be hurt anymore...
So who really can judge?
Would you want your daughter, sister or mother to be hurt, damaged and devastated, just to save face?
Nope...
The Bible says 7 times a man falls, and 7 times he gets up again...
It seems funny to me, that the ones who judge the most, are the same ones who ask why abused women don't leave...see the two-edged sword of it all?
Some women don't leave abusive situations, because mean spirited people judge them, and make things harder for them...So, please shut up...seriously.. unless you have walked even 10 ten steps in these shoes.

Getting up, again. 

Mickey Len (Michelle)

An Overcomer

Despite living through multiple abusive situations, I would like to think I am about hope, about reaching back to help others.
What is it that makes some people prone to being abused, and some not?
Are those who are abused more than once, or by more than one person, somehow inherently flawed, or deserving of abuse?
I am not sure that is a valid point to make. Because aren't all people worthy of being shown respect, worthy of not living in fear?
I am what an abused person looks like, not a victim so much, but an overcomer. I am not so inherently flawed that I deserve to be treated badly.
It is sort of funny in a way because counseling for abused people starts by teaching us to ask for help. I guess a lot of people have too much pride to ask for help. I don't have unhealthy pride like that. I know enough to know when I cannot handle everything.
But what about when help doesn't come?  Or when there is no one to ask for help?

The old testament, in proverbs, speaks about getting away from abuse...make no friendship with an angry man, and with a furious man thou shalt not go, lest you learn his ways and get a snare unto your soul.
I bet a lot of abused wives would have liked to claim that scripture and get away, rather than dying at the hands of their abusers.
No one can sit in judgement of those who are abused, because until you have been there, you don't know what it is like.

Breathe and pray, 

Mickey Len (Michelle)

Jordan's Voice

What kind of father doesn't see his disabled son, for any reason?
When Jordan and I moved back down South, there were lots of expected and unexpected things we faced. But I am not sure I could have forseen Jordan's dad not even caring to see him.
And he blames it all on me? His bad behaviors are my fault? So he says. He is more consumed that I not speak openly about it, than he is with seeing his flesh and blood, disabled son.
There are no words for such heartlessness.
So, besides praying and move on? We are going to act like none of them even exist. It is the only way to shield my son from this hurt. They are now in God's hands. So, sad.

Do we all abuse?

So at some time any person who has gone through abuse will ask themselves a question like this...which is, do we all abuse???

20 years ago yelling or spanking wasn't considered abuse; in some households it was just the average pre dinner routine.
But now courts are saying we cannot even spank our children, for goodness sake. 

When I speak of abuse I am not speaking of yelling at your kids, or even spanking them. 

I am speaking of adult on adult, physical violence, verbal and mental abuse and sexual abuse.

My ex once punch a hole in the wall and then said 

"I bet you are glad you aren't the wall"

...and that is abuse. 

So too, of course, is getting punched.
So, in effort to answer to the question: 

I think we all can abuse, cross a line, or even "lose it" big time.

The abuse comes in making the other person afraid. The abuse comes in the power play.
The abuse comes in exerting power, fear or intimidation over the other person.

If I want my children to learn to respect others, they must first respect me...but making them fearful is not the same as teaching respect.

And in a marriage, or love relationship, why would there be any cause for instilling fear or intimidation? In a romantic relationship there is no boss, no parent, no authority figure. Yet many marriages are conducted that way.

I am deciding, as I write this, that maybe I may not marry again. I might, but the chances are small. I am not cynical about love, far from it, just pragmatic.

I wonder what God thinks of those who plead the cause for neglected pets, but see nothing wrong with aborting human babies? Sees nothing wrong with abusing humans.

I wonder if God's heart breaks when those who are mentally or physically disabled, are cast aside?

Don't get me wrong, I adore animals, but not to the exclusion of humans, and to the plight some humans face. 

How did we get so far off the path of caring for one another? 

...if I can impart any wisdom at all...it would be to say, that those you cast aside, are human...despite their challenges they know if they are loved, respected and enjoyed...the can feel your apathy, they can tell you see them as a burden...and most of all your silence is deafening...

...when you decide which causes are most important to you, check out your own family first, and find those who are hurting, discarded and abandoned...before spending your energies on other things...even in the Bible we are admonished to care for the widows and orphans... (but are we?)

Okay, so I am bright, educated...heck, I can be a laugh a minute riot...but can a person get to the point where they are unable to trust? Sometimes I think that I have.

In proverbs in the Bible it says words to the effect that we are not make no friendship with an angry man...and with a furious man we should not go...lest we learn his ways and get a snare unto our souls...But what if we have been with more than one furious man? are we damned? No. I do not think that is what it is saying...I think it means we can learn their bad habits...we can learn their disregard for respect...which could explain how some women can go from abusive relationship to abusive relationship.

Let me know how you are doing.

Michelle

Buy Now at Barnes and Noble!!! 

Purchase Here!!! Tate Publishing

(Also being marketed in Internationally in countries like Japan, Sweden, Finland, Germany...!!!)

A portion of the proceeds from novel help support local women's shelters

If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Orphaned 2

..I wonder what God thinks of those who plead the cause for neglected pets, but see nothing wrong with aborting human babies?
...I wonder if God's heart breaks when those who are mentally or physically disabled, are cast aside?

...don't get me wrong, I adore animals, but not to the exclusion of humans...

...how did we get so far off the path of caring for one another?

...if I can impart any wisdom at all...it would be to say, that those you cast aside, are human...despite their challenges they know if they are loved, respected and enjoyed...they can feel your apathy, they can tell you see them as a burden...and most of all your silence is deafening...

...when you decide which causes are most important to you, check out your own family first, and find those who are hurting, discarded and abandoned...before spending your energies on other things...even in the Bible we are admonished to care for the widows and orphans... (but are we?)

Recovery and Healing

In time, there will come a time when you can rebuild your life.

You can be different. You can take responsibility for your life, and build something strong, healthy and loving.

It is not just enough to get away from an abuser, you must also to the work of becoming healthy, so that you don't keep attracting men with unhealthy habits. If you work at making yourself healthy, unhealthy men will walk away from you.

What does it take to be healthy? 

It takes time, honest assessment, forgiveness  and a willingness to love yourself. If you love yourself, you won't put up with others abusing, disrespecting or hurting you.

You do not need to be with someone so badly that you sell yourself and your self-esteem down the river, by being with an unhealthy partner.

Orphans

Jordan and I are orphans.
And the thing about being orphans, is not a lot of people care; because if they did we would not be orphaned.

Jordan's dad has always had issues. His issue now with not seeing Jordan?  Don't know. He claims it is me. But the thing is, I was manipulated, controlled and abused my his dad, not the other way around. Yet, I get to be shamed, and Jordan abandoned. Not cool.

But shunning is how people are controlled, however wrong it is.

...someone can tell you that someone else will do something, but until they do it, it never really seems real...
...what have I learned in life?
...to be an advocate for those who are cast aside...
...to assert and procure love and encouragement for the ones that no one else seems to love...
...to pity the self absorbed, clueless and mean-spirited...why? because they miss out on some really great people when the write them off...

Recently raped

I was recently raped.
Isn't sex without consent, rape?

Weirdly enough he had no idea that I write a blog to help women overcome abuse. So, I was able to untangle from him, and will be pressing charges.

He also threatened me life twice. He was a very sick man. I think any man who thinks he van take sex from a woman, without consent is a hideous excuse for a human being.

Hills and Valleys

This past month I was raped.
Why announce it? Why not?
Raped is an ugly word, and an even uglier experience.
I blog for women who have been through horrible experiences.
And 17 years after seeking shelter for an abusive relationship, something else happened.
And the thing is, it must be talked about. All people who experience such a violation must have the freedom to talk about it.
I thought I had come so far in life. I mean hey, my blog is about empowering women. But abusers don't care who you are or what you have accomplished or overcome, they just take, impose and violate. They are like Terminators, and thye just don't care.

All I can say, is: he didn't know that he couldn't isolate me, continue to violate me...I had experience, I knew the red flags...I will overcome!

I am getting a 2nd printing on my book, but you can still go check it out:

https://www.amazon.com/House-That-Silence-Bought/dp/1617777439

What I have learned

It wasn't them, it was me. Well, not wholly me.
But if I wasn't impaired, insecure and otherwise emotionally damaged, I might not have endured bs, for the sake of being in love.
I didn't realize how off the mark I must have been, to have kept attracting men with blatant character flaws.
Self respect is not innate, it is taught. I wasn't taught it, so how would I have learned? I have no idea.
Maybe it is all academic. 

Maybe I can read all about self esteem on line or in a library, but it still  never settles in, never becomes tangible. Some of us will only learn the hard way.  

Maybe.

Overcoming 1

Despite living through multiple abusive situations, I would like to think I am about hope, and about reaching back to help others. 

What is it that makes some people prone to being abused, and some not?
Are those who are abused more than once, or by more than one person, somehow inherently flawed, or deserving of abuse? 

I am not sure that is a valid point to make. 

Because aren't all people worthy of being shown respect, worthy of not living in fear? 

I am what an abused person looks like, not a victim so much, but an overcomer. I am not so inherently flawed that I deserve to be treated badly.
It is sort of funny in a way, because counseling for abused people starts by teaching us to ask for help. I guess a lot of people have too much pride to ask for help. I don't have unhealthy pride like that. I know enough to know when I cannot handle everything.
But what about when help doesn't come?  Or when there is no one to ask for help?

The Old Testament, in proverbs, speaks about getting away from from abuse..."make no friendship with an angry man, and with a furious man thou shalt not go, lest you learn his ways and get a snare unto your soul."

I bet a lot of abused wives would have liked to claim that scripture and get away, rather than dying at the hands of their abusers. 

No one can sit in judgment of those who are abused; because until you have been there, you don't know what it is like, or what you would do. 

Why do we do that?

Why do we do that?

We, being we women who have have multiple abusive relationships, enter in the relationships thinking the man will change.

A person is who they are. Only a person who desires change, and personal growth, will change. 

All of our hoping, cajoling, crying and subtle manipulation will not change character flaws in a man, nor in ourselves for that matter.

 
It is true that a man can make changes because of the love a good woman, but he has to want to change. If he doesn't want to change, all the love in the world will not register with him. 

Here is another question, that we may not want to ask ourselves, which is: what is lacking in ourselves, what need correction or change in us, that we keep picking "broken"?

Being nailed...

So, I am supposed to feel badly about a lot of nonsense dumped on me by my family?
But I don't feel badly. Why? They weren't nice people. 

And then miracle of miracles, I find out they weren't even my family in the first place.I lived for nearly 50 years thinking one man was my father; and out of love and respect for him I put up with a lot of grief and rancor, that simply wasn't right. 

Finding out that they weren't my family, well, it was a very good day.

Deep breath.

Not everyone gets that kind of closure on their pain. 

I am grateful.

God was good to put an end to all of it once and for all. 

I am thankful that I have found my Dad, and that he loves me. 

Bum Magnet, Revisited.

So can woman really be a Bum Magnet? Or is Bum Magnet just a quote from the movie "Pretty Woman"?

As a recovering bum magnet, I say, yes, it is possible to only attract the lost, broken and dysfunctional. Others may find you attractive and intriguing, but they will never let you get close, because you lack proper boundaries.

It may sound harsh to say their brokenness could be about you, but it is. At least it was for me.

I had been so profoundly hurt that I had to put a barrier around me to shield myself from pain and vulnerability. But in this case a boundary, is not the same as a barrier. Boundaries are about self-respect, respect for others and care. Barriers are usually rough, crusty, jagged things that impede communication and vulnerability. And when someone tries to cross the barrier to care for us, i n a respectful manner, beat proverbially and psychologically beat the hell out of them, for revealing our pain. And we become more and more dysfunctional.

Bum Magnet

I am seriously considering changing the Blog's name to Bum Magnet. That's partly tongue n' cheek, but only partly, because I am a rehabilitating Bum Magnet.

See it wasn't just about attracting bums, as much as it is about what was dysfunctional about me that I kept attracting bums; or at least until recently.

More to follow...