...when, there is no Arizona...

(from Facebook 4/4/2012)

"...didn't think I would ever love a song about someone lying...but "There is no Arizona" is very special to me...this song was popular the spring Jordan was on life support...in fact the first time I heard it was a couple days after Jordan was hurt...I remembered thinking that my soul was as dry and barren as the song was depicting...someone I loved, trusted, thought I knew... had just been accused of beating my kid almost to the point of death...and we were realizing there was no freakin Arizona...these days were are so glad to have overcome..."

‎"...one of the things we do not do often enough or completely enough in our culture, is mourn or grieve...instead we shove it down, act tough, and defy our emotions to betray us...as though there is any strength in denial...in being stoic...putting on a brave face is ok for a while, but acting like it never happened is insane...let's not do that each other...let's not act like it is weak to cry, hurt and mourn...because there is strength in facing life as it actually happened..."

Songs sometime have the ability to transport us to a different time and place. This one takes me back to the week of May 10, 2000.

"...her heart sinks lower in her chest..." 
...and I am transported back to a time when my son was being kept alive by machines.


You don't know who you are, or what you are capable of, until something this horrendous happens to one of your children, and you can do nothing. 

If you want to no why shelters, counselors, social workers and self-help groups drill about things about safety, getting away from abusive men, and making better decisions...its because they know that when we make decisions when we are damaged, someone is apt to get hurt...

The Bible even speaks to this, in Proverbs, 22nd chapter...

"Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go: lest you learn his ways and get a snare unto your soul"

And rest assured there is a snare in not getting away from a violent man...he can hurt you, kill you, damage your children, so bend and twist you that you are no longer the vibrant, capable person you once were...and heaven forbid you keep going back to him...or worse find an even more abusive man to replace him with. It is called the cycle of abuse for a reason; because once it is set into motion it can be nearly impossible to untangle from...and even if you do survive what is left of you is so mangled that you barely recognize what is left. 

Why did I write "The House that Silence Bought"? 
...to gain attention? 
...to blame my problems on others? 
...to shame my family? 
Hell, NO. 

I wrote it because it is important to break the cycle of abuse before it takes a toll on your life that is nearly priceless.
....my son is permanently disabled...and not just because some maniac crushed his skull at age 7 months...but also because of what abusive relationships had already wreaked on my emotions and confidence...and also because my family of origin was in such denial they couldn't be bothered with much else other than judgement and condemnation...it is years later, and they still don't fully grasp what all contributed to Jordan being disabled. 
Freak of freakin nature, people who have always called themselves family, are social with the children's father; who was the abusive man I had left just weeks before running into the man who almost killed my kid. 

Like I said, it is called a cycle, for a very good reason. 

It would be one thing if children's father had ever acknowledged his abuse, and I had processed his remorse and chosen to forgiven him. But to this day he claims he was never abusive and that I am crazy. He is a lovely human being. Of course I say "lovely" sometimes, when I want to cuss. 

"‎...so take the time, those of you that have been abused to deal squarely with what actually happened...cry, shout, scream into a pillow...cry some more...feel each of your feelings fully...fear, anguish, hopelessness, anger, resentment, abandonment, rejection...whatever it is...feel it...mourn...grieve the loss of all the lies that had to be shoved down your throat in order to accept the situation...and get help...from a counselor, from God, from church...from friends...and if you are fortunate to have a a loving, emotionally healthy family, from them as well...get help...break the cycle...don't become a statistic or a cautionary tale..."


In physically abusive situations there are very few choice outcomes...death, injury, disability, annihilation and assimilation of a person's self-esteem, confidence and autonomy...or becoming a cautionary tale...case in point. 

If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

My Kitten, Tigger...and Other Strays...

Michelle aka Shelby Anderson on Facebook

I try to blog from what is going on in my everyday life, movies that I watch, songs that I love, silly things my kids say and do...and of course challenges that we face...or have faced.

I just shared this story on facebook...and when I stopped sniffing/crying, I realized that this story was so appropriate for those who have been abused...


Somewhere inside maybe we are all little lost kittens, wanting desperately to be picked up, loved, nurtured and accepted...the revelation that we are all alone in the world is a stark and painful one...the only thing that makes it better is when we find a place that we can call home...acceptance, love and nurturing can do some very wonderful things to the human soul; just as rejection, abandonment and scorn can damage it...


I have to own my poor decisions, not matter what contributed to them...we all do...but I do wonder if a lot of realize just how much power we have to lift or annihilate another human being in what we do and say. When I find my self "not at my best" which can include yelling, being short -tempered and overbearing...I stop to ponder just where all of that comes from...very few situations require such outbursts...so what is it really I am mad about? what is it  really that is making me feel so pressured that I react that way? 


If each of us were to stop every time "we lose it" and ask ourselves what was really hurting us, so many times it is not even the situation at hand...sometimes it is some other long forgotten wound, not properly healed...that rears its ugly head for attention.  Pressure is having to do something and feeling ill-equipped to do so...so what is really causing our pressure? bills and deadlines come and go...kids will always needs us...and a lot of us don't feel we have accomplished or become all that we want to be...so if those things are almost universal, they aren't really the pressure...the pressure is someone wants something from us, and we cannot deliver...


Why? 


Maybe because there is something else we are harboring...some hurt...some slight...something that has so distracted us that it invades our now...demanding our attentions...and crowding out our obligations...


Take the time when there is less pressure on you to explore those old hurts...talk to them...tell them you are listening...find a way to resolve them...if not between you and the actual person, then maybe on  paper, or in your head...its not that you have to visit for a long time...just long enough to let yourself know that it does get better...and forgiveness is within our grasps in the future...things like denial, keeps us for doing the hard work of actual healing...


I helped a kitten just like in this picture...but I also was a kitten just like this...and I didn't want to be...I didn't want to be rejected, ridiculed or hurt...and so I can go back and say "Michelle, its rejection (or whatever) you are battling...and you will find your way through it...it doesn't have the final word" ...and then I can cry...and laugh...and anything else I need to make that one hurt, stop hurting...and then the next time the food boils over on the stove, the children need something at school without notice, or someone cuts us off driving...then maybe then our frustration level is a bit more manageable...


I kept attracting broken men, who could not give me what I needed emotionally, because I was broken and didn't have what I needed emotionally...their behaviors were bad....and they have to own that...but I would not have gone on the 2nd date, gone to the alter, or kept going back to them had I had healthy self-esteem.


So if you are going through abuse, getting away to a safe place is the first and hardest step..but once you are away, getting to healthy can be just as daunting...but don't give up...because I can promise you will get to a place where you like yourself a great deal...a place where your decisions get better...a place where you can see and work on old hurts.


*********************************************************************
...these days we have a stray of sorts, Cecil, who has taken over our lives and hearts.




...this picture reminds me of when I was a kid, in Virginia...we were at a party...one of those grown up parties where kids just meandered about...I went outside with one of the other kids...in short order there was this mewing sound coming from this large mud puddle...and in it I found this little tiger striped kitten, that couldn't have been a month or two old...tugging at my heart, I took it in to the party and defiantly proclaimed that we needed to adopt the kitten immediately...probably because of embarrassment, my father relented...that kitten became my first pet, Tigger...after the Winnie the Pooh series.

...love the babies, especially the ones no one else wants!!!


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If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Born to unusual, but nice, parents, Michelle/Shelby grew up rather uneventfully, living mainly in the deep south (Alabama). Later she would learn that it was her parents' love for her that not only brought them together, but had kept them together. And so life was ideal in many respects and distressing in others. Eventually though the family did scatter like leaves on an autumn morning. Fortunately she was able to extract a sincere appreciation for love, beauty, and an abiding respect for those who at least try.

The single greatest influence in her life was the remarkable time spent with her paternal grandmother;  it was under this influence that she thrived. Her grandmother introduced her to not only fine Literature, but also the Arts and the Opera. And it was beloved grandmother who told her that if she wanted to be a great writer she must first learn to be an avid reader.

Early adult life would be peppered with indecision, failings, and the haunting of things not learned in childhood. But as is the case with most sincere artist, out of the angst of life came a great capacity for creativity.

Shelby considers her writing a gift...a joy, a tremendous responsibility, and something that helps to define her life.

Ms. Anderson is a graduate of Oregon State University; and is also currently working on a master's degree.

She lives in very picturesque Central Oregon with her two children.