Creating a safe place in which women can share their concerns, their victories and their feelings regarding rising out of abusive situations. Sometimes you may not have anyone to talk with about this; I am here. I have been where you are. If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Check out my about.me profile!
Monday, September 16, 2019
Jordan"s Voice
Family Dysfunction
You see, coping skills are not something any of us are born with...we have to learn them. If we don't learn them? we sure as heck cannot teach them to our kids. Thus abuse, dysfunction, and potential mental health issues get jumbled up in a vicious cycle - sadly that some of us never escape.
Family dysfunction is a mental health issue to be sure, but it also so much more as well.
If you are trapped in the muck and the mire that is dysfunction and abuse, do not give up on getting out of it. You can take yourself in hand and you can overcome your situation, your past and the damage you have endured.
Most dysfunctional families have no clue that they are hurting. They don't know that there can be another way of relating and communicating.
Take my situation: I went from one bad relationship to another, never taking the time to look at and fix me. I attracted broken, in part because I, too, was broken.
Healthy people talk, are honest and vulnerable. They incorporate proper communication skills, good boundaries and they forgive. Forgiveness is a key component in being healthy mentally and spiritually - otherwise, bitterness can spring forth and damage yourself and others.
Family dysfunction is a pandemic, and it is not even remotely being addressed as a culture/society.
Seek not to blame, but to understand. Our families think they are doing the best they know how to do. It doesn't matter at this point what you were taught, what skills you learned from your family. All of that would have possibly made a difference, but it didn't happen. You have to accept that, cry and mourn over that - and find a way to move on.
Seek God. Lean on friends, support groups and people who are kind to you - never mind if they are not your family of origin. You can learn healthy coping skills. You can fix what is damaged in you, and learn to take better care of yourself mentally, physically and spiritually.
And...if someone wants to put down your desire to grow, heal and learn? it is ok to keep them at a distance - even if they are family.
Like yourself. Love yourself. Learn to be protective of yourself. learn the value of you - and forgive yourself and them.
And if you have no resources or time, then take the initiative to look up things online - because anything you didn't learn, you can learn now.
Much love,
Mickey Len (Michelle)
Mental Health 1
Mickey Len (Michelle)
Wednesday, January 18, 2017
It is tough to tell...
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
Imagine
"What does it matter, I don't deserve to be happy, anyway?"
Sunday, September 11, 2016
Tonight
Women who have been abused, raped, taken advantage of, are supposed to break the cycle of abuse, get to a safe place and get help...so I did...
But it is inconvenient, embarrassing and frankly, not well tolerated...but, I did what I was supposed to do, to not be hurt anymore...
So who really can judge?
Would you want your daughter, sister or mother to be hurt, damaged and devastated, just to save face?
Nope...
The Bible says 7 times a man falls, and 7 times he gets up again...
It seems funny to me, that the ones who judge the most, are the same ones who ask why abused women don't leave...see the two-edged sword of it all?
Some women don't leave abusive situations, because mean spirited people judge them, and make things harder for them...So, please shut up...seriously.. unless you have walked even 10 ten steps in these shoes.
Monday, August 29, 2016
An Overcomer
What is it that makes some people prone to being abused, and some not?
Are those who are abused more than once, or by more than one person, somehow inherently flawed, or deserving of abuse?
I am not sure that is a valid point to make. Because aren't all people worthy of being shown respect, worthy of not living in fear?
I am what an abused person looks like, not a victim so much, but an overcomer. I am not so inherently flawed that I deserve to be treated badly.
It is sort of funny in a way because counseling for abused people starts by teaching us to ask for help. I guess a lot of people have too much pride to ask for help. I don't have unhealthy pride like that. I know enough to know when I cannot handle everything.
But what about when help doesn't come? Or when there is no one to ask for help?
I bet a lot of abused wives would have liked to claim that scripture and get away, rather than dying at the hands of their abusers.
No one can sit in judgement of those who are abused, because until you have been there, you don't know what it is like.
Jordan's Voice
What kind of father doesn't see his disabled son, for any reason?
When Jordan and I moved back down South, there were lots of expected and unexpected things we faced. But I am not sure I could have forseen Jordan's dad not even caring to see him.
And he blames it all on me? His bad behaviors are my fault? So he says. He is more consumed that I not speak openly about it, than he is with seeing his flesh and blood, disabled son.
There are no words for such heartlessness.
So, besides praying and move on? We are going to act like none of them even exist. It is the only way to shield my son from this hurt. They are now in God's hands. So, sad.
Sunday, August 28, 2016
Do we all abuse?
So at some time any person who has gone through abuse will ask themselves a question like this...which is, do we all abuse???
20 years ago yelling or spanking wasn't considered abuse; in some households it was just the average pre dinner routine.
But now courts are saying we cannot even spank our children, for goodness sake.
When I speak of abuse I am not speaking of yelling at your kids, or even spanking them.
My ex once punch a hole in the wall and then said
So, in effort to answer to the question:
The abuse comes in exerting power, fear or intimidation over the other person.
If I want my children to learn to respect others, they must first respect me...but making them fearful is not the same as teaching respect.
And in a marriage, or love relationship, why would there be any cause for instilling fear or intimidation? In a romantic relationship there is no boss, no parent, no authority figure. Yet many marriages are conducted that way.
I am deciding, as I write this, that maybe I may not marry again. I might, but the chances are small. I am not cynical about love, far from it, just pragmatic.
Okay, so I am bright, educated...heck, I can be a laugh a minute riot...but can a person get to the point where they are unable to trust? Sometimes I think that I have.
In proverbs in the Bible it says words to the effect that we are not make no friendship with an angry man...and with a furious man we should not go...lest we learn his ways and get a snare unto our souls...But what if we have been with more than one furious man? are we damned? No. I do not think that is what it is saying...I think it means we can learn their bad habits...we can learn their disregard for respect...which could explain how some women can go from abusive relationship to abusive relationship.
Let me know how you are doing.
Michelle
Orphaned 2
..I wonder what God thinks of those who plead the cause for neglected pets, but see nothing wrong with aborting human babies?
...I wonder if God's heart breaks when those who are mentally or physically disabled, are cast aside?
...don't get me wrong, I adore animals, but not to the exclusion of humans...
...how did we get so far off the path of caring for one another?
...if I can impart any wisdom at all...it would be to say, that those you cast aside, are human...despite their challenges they know if they are loved, respected and enjoyed...they can feel your apathy, they can tell you see them as a burden...and most of all your silence is deafening...
...when you decide which causes are most important to you, check out your own family first, and find those who are hurting, discarded and abandoned...before spending your energies on other things...even in the Bible we are admonished to care for the widows and orphans... (but are we?)
Saturday, August 27, 2016
Recovery and Healing
In time, there will come a time when you can rebuild your life.
You can be different. You can take responsibility for your life, and build something strong, healthy and loving.
It is not just enough to get away from an abuser, you must also to the work of becoming healthy, so that you don't keep attracting men with unhealthy habits. If you work at making yourself healthy, unhealthy men will walk away from you.
What does it take to be healthy?
It takes time, honest assessment, forgiveness and a willingness to love yourself. If you love yourself, you won't put up with others abusing, disrespecting or hurting you.
You do not need to be with someone so badly that you sell yourself and your self-esteem down the river, by being with an unhealthy partner.
Tuesday, August 23, 2016
Orphans
Jordan and I are orphans.
And the thing about being orphans, is not a lot of people care; because if they did we would not be orphaned.
Jordan's dad has always had issues. His issue now with not seeing Jordan? Don't know. He claims it is me. But the thing is, I was manipulated, controlled and abused my his dad, not the other way around. Yet, I get to be shamed, and Jordan abandoned. Not cool.
But shunning is how people are controlled, however wrong it is.
...someone can tell you that someone else will do something, but until they do it, it never really seems real...
...what have I learned in life?
...to be an advocate for those who are cast aside...
...to assert and procure love and encouragement for the ones that no one else seems to love...
...to pity the self absorbed, clueless and mean-spirited...why? because they miss out on some really great people when the write them off...
Sunday, August 21, 2016
Recently raped
I was recently raped.
Isn't sex without consent, rape?
Weirdly enough he had no idea that I write a blog to help women overcome abuse. So, I was able to untangle from him, and will be pressing charges.
He also threatened me life twice. He was a very sick man. I think any man who thinks he van take sex from a woman, without consent is a hideous excuse for a human being.
Saturday, August 6, 2016
Hills and Valleys
Why announce it? Why not?
Raped is an ugly word, and an even uglier experience.
I blog for women who have been through horrible experiences.
And 17 years after seeking shelter for an abusive relationship, something else happened.
And the thing is, it must be talked about. All people who experience such a violation must have the freedom to talk about it.
I thought I had come so far in life. I mean hey, my blog is about empowering women. But abusers don't care who you are or what you have accomplished or overcome, they just take, impose and violate. They are like Terminators, and thye just don't care.
All I can say, is: he didn't know that he couldn't isolate me, continue to violate me...I had experience, I knew the red flags...I will overcome!
I am getting a 2nd printing on my book, but you can still go check it out:
https://www.amazon.com/House-That-Silence-Bought/dp/1617777439
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
What I have learned
But if I wasn't impaired, insecure and otherwise emotionally damaged, I might not have endured bs, for the sake of being in love.
I didn't realize how off the mark I must have been, to have kept attracting men with blatant character flaws.
Self respect is not innate, it is taught. I wasn't taught it, so how would I have learned? I have no idea.
Maybe it is all academic.
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
Overcoming 1
What is it that makes some people prone to being abused, and some not?
Are those who are abused more than once, or by more than one person, somehow inherently flawed, or deserving of abuse?
I am not sure that is a valid point to make.
I am what an abused person looks like, not a victim so much, but an overcomer. I am not so inherently flawed that I deserve to be treated badly.
It is sort of funny in a way, because counseling for abused people starts by teaching us to ask for help. I guess a lot of people have too much pride to ask for help. I don't have unhealthy pride like that. I know enough to know when I cannot handle everything.
But what about when help doesn't come? Or when there is no one to ask for help?
I bet a lot of abused wives would have liked to claim that scripture and get away, rather than dying at the hands of their abusers.
No one can sit in judgment of those who are abused; because until you have been there, you don't know what it is like, or what you would do.
Sunday, June 28, 2015
Why do we do that?
We, being we women who have have multiple abusive relationships, enter in the relationships thinking the man will change.
A person is who they are. Only a person who desires change, and personal growth, will change.
It is true that a man can make changes because of the love a good woman, but he has to want to change. If he doesn't want to change, all the love in the world will not register with him.
Here is another question, that we may not want to ask ourselves, which is: what is lacking in ourselves, what need correction or change in us, that we keep picking "broken"?
Saturday, May 30, 2015
Being nailed...
But I don't feel badly. Why? They weren't nice people.
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
Bum Magnet, Revisited.
So can woman really be a Bum Magnet? Or is Bum Magnet just a quote from the movie "Pretty Woman"?
As a recovering bum magnet, I say, yes, it is possible to only attract the lost, broken and dysfunctional. Others may find you attractive and intriguing, but they will never let you get close, because you lack proper boundaries.
It may sound harsh to say their brokenness could be about you, but it is. At least it was for me.
I had been so profoundly hurt that I had to put a barrier around me to shield myself from pain and vulnerability. But in this case a boundary, is not the same as a barrier. Boundaries are about self-respect, respect for others and care. Barriers are usually rough, crusty, jagged things that impede communication and vulnerability. And when someone tries to cross the barrier to care for us, i n a respectful manner, beat proverbially and psychologically beat the hell out of them, for revealing our pain. And we become more and more dysfunctional.
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
Bum Magnet
I am seriously considering changing the Blog's name to Bum Magnet. That's partly tongue n' cheek, but only partly, because I am a rehabilitating Bum Magnet.
See it wasn't just about attracting bums, as much as it is about what was dysfunctional about me that I kept attracting bums; or at least until recently.
More to follow...
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Audio version of The House that Silence Bought
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Attention Hound...
I smiled.
You see, I do have OCD (and I battle hideous insecurity, daily)...so yes, I am pretty sure that my OCD does gets attention.
...and I have come up out of abusive situations/where I felt too overwhelmed to even assert myself.
...and I wrote a novel/book about overcoming dysfunction, that is selling, worldwide
...but the thing is though...it isn't about me, mostly...I open myself up and sometimes even play the fool, to get other people to open up...if people can see that other people have overcome, they are likely to feel that they can, too.
...that, and being bold, is sometimes a gift, sometimes a curse.
...for the most part I am all my 2 kids and I have, to stretch resources, to stay encouraged, and to keep us going in this great big world...so I have to willing to be scrappy...lol...and I am making peace with that...
********************************************************************
If you have ever been a doormat in a relationship...or did not feel empowered to change your destructive patterns...well, when you finally do, you are on your way to being different.
...I am different then from who I was the first time I my first husband belted me.
...I am different than from when I felt abandoned when I left my kids' abusive dad.
...I am different from who I was just a few years ago, when my latest husband came home and said he never loved me; but that he had only married me so I could help him raise his sons..
I sure as heck had better be different...otherwise I might still be the blubbering idiot that ever lowered my standards long enough to have settle for any one of them...does that make sense?
I don't hate men...I do feel the abusive, selfish, immature ones give men a bad name...but mostly, it wasn't about them...and if you are struggling in an unhealthy relationship, you may find your abusive relationship isn't 100% about your's man's faults, temper or pain, either...it is not about them all about them, it is about us.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Signs to a Healthy Self-Esteem...
is calm;
is composed;
doesn't seek others’ approval;
is capable and disciplined;
knows what they like and what they don’t like;
knows what they stand for, and isn’t afraid to take a stand;
their sense of self is internally motivated and fed, rather than externally;
is confident, though not arrogant;
is assertive, though not aggressive;
is gracious and hospitable, without being insecure or a doormat;
they know strengths and weaknesses;
they seek to keep good company, including those of character, integrity and manners;
they think before the speak and act;
they ask for help when they need it;
they offer help when they can give it;
they do not settle for second rate behaviors and attitudes in self or others;
they express wants, needs and desires in a healthy fashion;
they are quick and sincere in their forgiveness of self and others;
they have or develop a strong work ethic;
they strive to become a independent and interdependent;
they set goals for short term and long term accomplishments;
and they learn to handle both failure and success well.
And when these attributes/traits are in your life it is not likely that you will end up in destructive cycles that include alcoholism, drug addiction or being with abusive partners...
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Social Work/Note to Self...
...note to self on getting to a better place:
...learn to better manage insecurities...
...for instance, i don't want a guy who is going to beat me up (mentally or physically) for where i am, right now...
...i like eating out at least once a month...
...i love listening to classical music; drinking coffee; taking pictures; and watching college football...and it is not that that we have to be joined at the hip in all of our interests, but sometimes, let it be about me...instead of me catering to you all of the time...
...i want a partner, a friend, a lover...not a daddy or a warden...
Thursday, April 19, 2012
...first relationship, with a side of abuse
My first husband was abusive. His name was Tom. He is currently in a Texas prison for armed robbery.
He and I married in 1984. The abuse started less that 6 months after we married. At Tom's hands I was slapped, shoved, raped, pushed out of a moving car...among other things.
And about how things were with my first husband, Tom...it was so strange...it was like it was up on me, before I could really run for daylight...I confided in my parents...and my dad even had Tom arrested once...but there was such an emotional draw there...Tom made it seem like I was the only who loved him or believed in him...apparently the Regan household/childhood was a nightmare...and they all just coped better than Tom...it was nothing for Tom's mom, Jan to fist fight those boys into submission...
So, back when things were so horrible I was able to confide a bit in Tom's mom...but I had no clue just how messed up she was and had her own issues, that were not talked about...one incident that speaks of that, was when I left Tom once while we were living in Mobile, back in 1986...I went to live with my parents (even though my step-mother resented it)...that afternoon Tom locked our $500 scottish terrier, Sherman out of our apartment...walked to Circle K...stole a car...drove to a fancy department store, maxed out our credit cards for clothes, shoes and whatever...and started driving for Seattle...he was delusional enough to think that he could contact my mother, who lived there, to get me to come back...my mom would have no more talked to him than the man in the moon, because of how he had treated me...but he didnt ask, he just took off...
By the time he got to Chicago, he was feeling guilty about stealing the car...left most the stuff he had just bought in it...and took off for Seattle on foot...and started calling my parents collect every few hours to let me know of this brilliant plan he had to move us to Seattle...my mom said if he showed up, she would have him arrested...he was hitchhiking...had no winter clothes...no coat...it was a nightmare...somewhere between him being in Chicago and Montana, I had gotten in touch with his mom and given her the real scoop...she still worked for American Airlines back then...she said if Tom could make it to a major airport, she would fly him down to Dallas...only the kicker was I had to go back to him and "tend to my marriage"...as in I had to leave Mobile, Alabama and move to Dallas, Texas to meet him...she would help us get an apartment...and yada, yada, yada...I felt so trapped...I had no clue how messed up Jan was in her own mind, to have even suggested I go go back with Tom, after telling her what all he had already done...I caved...we ended up staying with the aunt in Dallas that had worked for the IRS for a couple of months before he and I could both get jobs...
The very first night I was at the aunt's house...she was wonderful by the way...but she had no clue what Tom was really like...well that first night, Tom closed the door, turned out the light and smacked me so hard that I saw stars and almost passed out...and said "that's for doing all of this and embarrassing me to my mom and family"...
We were in Dallas in our own place for about 6 months before I was able to finally get away from him for good...that was in 1986...(we had just gotten married in 1984)...it was 1988 before the divorce was final...
Part of what created the unhealthy dynamic between me and my step-mother was she is a person that cares about "what people think"...she cared more about that, than about me...so my humiliation over all that happened with Tom, was just embarrassment for her...something she could put down and gossip about, as though she had no skeletons in her closets...
It is weird what dysfunctional families do to their own members for saving face...
I am not like that with my kids...they have known from day one, if they get into trouble they cannot handle themselves, they are supposed to run home...not feel all alone like I did...it is not that we can solve our kids' problems for them, they have to do the work...but we sure as heck can be supportive and loving, no matter how old they are...but especially if they are being abused...
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
...when, there is no Arizona...
(from Facebook 4/4/2012)
"...didn't think I would ever love a song about someone lying...but "There is no Arizona" is very special to me...this song was popular the spring Jordan was on life support...in fact the first time I heard it was a couple days after Jordan was hurt...I remembered thinking that my soul was as dry and barren as the song was depicting...someone I loved, trusted, thought I knew... had just been accused of beating my kid almost to the point of death...and we were realizing there was no freakin Arizona...these days were are so glad to have overcome..."
"...one of the things we do not do often enough or completely enough in our culture, is mourn or grieve...instead we shove it down, act tough, and defy our emotions to betray us...as though there is any strength in denial...in being stoic...putting on a brave face is ok for a while, but acting like it never happened is insane...let's not do that each other...let's not act like it is weak to cry, hurt and mourn...because there is strength in facing life as it actually happened..."
Songs sometime have the ability to transport us to a different time and place. This one takes me back to the week of May 10, 2000.
"...her heart sinks lower in her chest..."
...and I am transported back to a time when my son was being kept alive by machines.
You don't know who you are, or what you are capable of, until something this horrendous happens to one of your children, and you can do nothing.
If you want to no why shelters, counselors, social workers and self-help groups drill about things about safety, getting away from abusive men, and making better decisions...its because they know that when we make decisions when we are damaged, someone is apt to get hurt...
The Bible even speaks to this, in Proverbs, 22nd chapter...
"Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go: lest you learn his ways and get a snare unto your soul"
And rest assured there is a snare in not getting away from a violent man...he can hurt you, kill you, damage your children, so bend and twist you that you are no longer the vibrant, capable person you once were...and heaven forbid you keep going back to him...or worse find an even more abusive man to replace him with. It is called the cycle of abuse for a reason; because once it is set into motion it can be nearly impossible to untangle from...and even if you do survive what is left of you is so mangled that you barely recognize what is left.
Why did I write "The House that Silence Bought"?
...to gain attention?
...to blame my problems on others?
...to shame my family?
Hell, NO.
I wrote it because it is important to break the cycle of abuse before it takes a toll on your life that is nearly priceless.
....my son is permanently disabled...and not just because some maniac crushed his skull at age 7 months...but also because of what abusive relationships had already wreaked on my emotions and confidence...and also because my family of origin was in such denial they couldn't be bothered with much else other than judgement and condemnation...it is years later, and they still don't fully grasp what all contributed to Jordan being disabled.
Freak of freakin nature, people who have always called themselves family, are social with the children's father; who was the abusive man I had left just weeks before running into the man who almost killed my kid.
Like I said, it is called a cycle, for a very good reason.
It would be one thing if children's father had ever acknowledged his abuse, and I had processed his remorse and chosen to forgiven him. But to this day he claims he was never abusive and that I am crazy. He is a lovely human being. Of course I say "lovely" sometimes, when I want to cuss.
"...so take the time, those of you that have been abused to deal squarely with what actually happened...cry, shout, scream into a pillow...cry some more...feel each of your feelings fully...fear, anguish, hopelessness, anger, resentment, abandonment, rejection...whatever it is...feel it...mourn...grieve the loss of all the lies that had to be shoved down your throat in order to accept the situation...and get help...from a counselor, from God, from church...from friends...and if you are fortunate to have a a loving, emotionally healthy family, from them as well...get help...break the cycle...don't become a statistic or a cautionary tale..."
In physically abusive situations there are very few choice outcomes...death, injury, disability, annihilation and assimilation of a person's self-esteem, confidence and autonomy...or becoming a cautionary tale...case in point.
Friday, March 30, 2012
...greater treasures than Mega Millions...
(and at the same time Powerball was over 60 million)
...but get this, a few months ago Jordan learned how to give kisses...(before it was a very hard concept for him because of partial blindness and coordination)
...so now I get kisses everyday...he says
"you give me a kiss and I'll give you a kiss" and he does...and so how very rich am I ???
Jordan and overcoming abuse was the inspiration for the novel...some of you know that, some not. Please read the novel, we would appreciate it. I used to think that the book would be just a forum for Jordan later in his life; mainly because he has no idea he is disabled. But these days I fear he make make it to later in life. He is nearly 15; but behaves like a 5 year old. That is hard for a parent to face. But what is harder to face is that he is not growing very much. There may be many reasons for this; for instance he is on a lot of very damaging medications. These drugs not only potentially damage his liver, mess up his sleep patterns, but also when conbined seemed to be affecting his growth. So of course prayers and welcome.