Finding Peace with Yourself...

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Whether abuse is mental, physical or sexual it take a huge toll on a person's self image. In my case I was involved in more than one unhealthy relationship; in fact each one grew progressively worse. My own personal "rock bottom" was in 2000 when my 7 month old child was put on life support because of someone abusing him. It turned out the person had abused both of my kids. My son almost died. And except for one or two family members we were all but abandoned.

It is now over years later. Both children not only survived, but are thriving. My daughter went through years of therapy. My son had eye surgery, brain surgery and many seizures the first year after his injuries. He is ten now. He walks with a limp; is developmentally delayed; partially blind; but has come a long way since they pronounced him as a few steps above a vegetative state.

No matter what your support group is, whether large or non-existent, you will have to come to terms with yourself; and learn to make peace, with you.

I am here to share and listen.

Michelle

If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

When you think you are crazy...

If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

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It is odd to go most of your life thinking that you are smart and reasonable; and then have that severely doubted when some guy repeatedly treats you poorly.
You know that you are in dire need if you start to question your own judgment because of the behaviors or actions of someone else.

So many of the stories that I heard while I was in the shelter systems were even worse than my own. sadly so many of those women will not get out of their situations. And a certain percentage of them will even die trapped in the mire.
The worse story ever related to me was this very gentle, sweet women who had become very calloused and stern just to stay alive. She was beautiful inside and out but was already very mangled.

The last time I saw her she was getting ready to go to a funeral several hours away of two of her family members. Her abuser had killed them just in order to get her to come out of hiding so that he could have access to hurt her. After several hours of talking with the people at the shelter she was persuaded not to come out of hiding; and she had to miss the funeral of her brother and nephew. I remember the totally resigned, helpless look she had on her face as she sat there smoking a cigarette trying to regain what was left of her composure. And most of the stories are just as moving, and upsetting.

Let me know what is on your mind,

Michelle

If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Creating a Safety Plan...

If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

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One of the first things I learned when I became associated with a women's shelter was, that as a part of personal responsibility, that I needed to create a safety plan. It was foreign to me because I was not use to making sure that my personal needs were met.

At the time, I only had a few friends; and I wasn't sure who to confide in about it. I thought I could trust my family; but that turned out to be not true. As is the case so often in cases of abuse there is so much more going on than just the incidents of physical, verbal or sexual abuse.

Sometimes there is dysfunction that runs so deeply, and for so long, that the abused woman finds that her family of origin might not be a place of safety either. When this happens she may feel compelled to keep going back and forth between getting safely away from her attacker and going back to him. If you find yourself vacillating back and forth between wanting to escape and feeling pressured to stay; try to see if you can establish a stronger support group. If people in your life are still communicating with your alleged abuser, then you may have to consider not confiding in them.

This was the case with me; when later in 1999/2000 I was steeped deeply in yet another unhealthy, abusive relationship and could not seem to untangle from it. My family of origin was actually friends with him; and had already formed their allegiance regardless of my claims of verbal, physical and sexual abuse.

Some people do not want to hear the truth. It seems that truth does not fit into their perspective. In my case, my family of origin used denial and other defense mechanisms to help them to "save face". I learned the hard way that if I was going to stop the cycle of abuse I was going to have to go at it mainly alone. I felt alone; and maybe you do too. But the real truth is we are not alone; and we are thousands strong, and we do not have to be abused

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Drop me a line,

Michelle

If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Waiting for The Other Shoe, to Drop

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Any woman who has ever been hit might wonder, for a brief instance, afterwards what on earth she had done to deserve such a thing. 

The truth is that I cannot think of a single reason why a man would feel compelled to hit a woman. 

There are terrible stories about women who hit each other and men who fist fight; that is not the kind of abuse I am addressing here. 

I am not addressing abuse in general, but specifically, men who abuse women. 

I am looking at that fiery sting to the cheek, or jawline, felt right after a man has taken upon himself to slap, hit or backhand his wife, partner or girlfriend. 

What, I wonder, told him that that was his only course of action?

The first time it happened to me I was not even 20 years old. I remember thinking that I could not figure out why someone, I thought I loved and trusted. would do such a thing.

The short term damages faded quickly; though the long-term abuse lasted a total of four years. 

But the effects would be felt for nearly twenty years; they now call this PTSD. The short term fix was looking at what I had said or done that contributed to such a thing. 

The longer term look ended up being a self-image so shattered that I began to believe that I must have deserved such a thing.

If a person believes that they deserve such a thing, there is a good chance that they will only attract people who treat then poorly. This kind of destructive pattern is every bit as damaging as the cycles that any other addict experiences.

If you can relate to what I am sharing in even a small measure, please know that you do not have to live in fear.

The first thing you can do for yourself is admit that the situation is bigger than you, and that you need help. 

The next thing to do is to make a safety plan; that you do not share with your abuser or their friends or family. 

You will need to assess your income and resources. You will need to figure out if you can live on your own. You need to know if you can rely on friends or family for moral, spiritual or financial help. 

If you do not have a tight knit support group it is wise to check community and social outreach programs to see what is available. Also know that in some areas there are support groups/therapy groups available for encouragement and sharing even if you have not yet your abuser. Not every abusive relationship has to end, but every abusive relationship does have to change.

(Remember, abusers are very good at controlling and manipulating their victims. People who have been emotionally abused or battered are depressed, drained, scared, ashamed, and confused. They need help to get out, yet they’ve often been isolated from their family and friends. By picking up on the warning signs and offering support, you can help them escape an abusive situation and begin healing http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm#understanding).

Let me know how you are doing,

Michelle

If you need immediate assistance, dial 911. The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).